Day 54: Lunch

[full_score]

All things considered, last shift had been pretty low key. After this morning's disaster, though, that was perfectly fine by Claude. Some fresh air and a chance to make sure Guy and Okita were all right weren't things to take for granted. It was also good to have a fairly normal, conversation with Guy that didn't slip off into awkward territory

Comments

[future_games]

"He's...nice," Isaac replied absently. "More talkative than I'm used to."

Of course, everyone was more talkative than Isaac was used to. Snow wasn't even particularly chatty by normal standards and there was nothing about him that particularly bothered Isaac, but he always managed to distance himself so far from other people that "nice and "talkative" were the only words the painter could think to describe his roommate.

He really had to wonder, though, had it always been that way? Had it always been so difficult to let anyone in? He couldn't remember. It wasn't that he thought talking to someone about all these issues wouldn't help, but he could barely recall a time when he could speak about himself and express what he was feeling without forcing himself to bite the more painful details back. It was difficult to describe, but now he felt as though he had been haphazardly reassembled for Landel's alone. He was made up of impossible knots and pieces of a shattered whole that simply didn't fit properly into place anymore. He was absolutely miserable, but there was something in him that wanted to function normally again. He wanted to do something good with the second chance he had been given.

Once again, he turned his gaze uncertainly to Peter. "Do...you think I'm wrong for acting this way?,"he asked, a little guarded. "I mean...going from wanting to die to...this?" Going from suicidal to gaining a massive hero complex, was what he was trying not to say. He shook his head and stabbed at the remains of the fish on his plate. "It's not normal," he continued, forcing himself to put more faith into his trust in Peter and open up just a little, for his own sake. "I barely know what I want to feel anymore."

[human_sponge]

Talkative and nice sounded like good qualities to have in a roommate for someone like Isaac. While Peter didn't know the painter that well, he could tell that he needed people around him who could pull him out of his shell, who could make him act even when all he wanted to do was hide behind the fog of a drug. Peter wondered if the man had gotten sedated since he'd arrived here, and hoped that he hadn't.

The sudden question from the man took Peter off guard, mainly because it was more open than he was used to Isaac being. The man was always so closed off and defensive that it was difficult to even piece together what he was asking. Peter stalled for a second or two by grabbing for another french fry, dipping it in some ketchup before taking a bite.

"What's 'this'?" he asked, since the implication wasn't one that he was able to pick up on. It seemed to him that Isaac was confused and taken aback by this second chance at life, and understandably so. He didn't know how Isaac had died (well, he knew the gritty details, but he wasn't sure what the man had felt at that moment), but he'd obviously expected it to be permanent. And then he'd woken up from death to... a place like this.

"Anyway, I think it's perfectly normal to not know how to deal with this place, especially since... yeah, before this you were..." Peter didn't have any qualms with talking about death, but it was kind of different when it was someone who'd already been through it and hadn't come back instantly the way he and Claire had.

[future_games]

"This," he sighed, putting a little more emphasis on the word. He didn't want to explain. He didn't want to say it like it really was: Trying to be like you. That's exactly what it was. Did Peter even realize what a long shadow he cast? He was a freaking saint, could never do wrong on purpose, and it still made Isaac's stomach turn with jealously. Even though Simone was gone and there was nothing left worth fighting over, there was still part of Isaac that longed to be out of Peter's shadow. To be something more than the washed-out junkie he was always going to be at the end of the day, with or without drugs. He would always crave that rush.

But he had to come up with a way to describe what he was feeling. He could easily drop a subject when it was brought up by someone else, and it was him who had brought this one up--in what he was now thinking was a stupid move. It was only appropriate to follow through it with it, though.

He tried again.

"This...wanting too much." That sounded good. Truthful enough, while still disguising what he was really thinking. "Wanting to be more than I am. Wanting..."

The painted trailed off again, shaking his head. "I was dead." He took the liberty of finishing Peter's sentence. "There's not supposed to be anything afte that. You're not supposed to come back from that. You're not supposed to feel."

[human_sponge]

Even as Isaac tried to honestly explain what it was that he was going through, Peter still had a hard time following along. It was because they were different on such a basic level, and he realized that, but he still struggled to understand. But what was wrong with wanting things? And was there really such a thing as "more than I am"? Peter didn't think so; he felt that everyone had the ability to improve if they really worked at it. But Isaac was a pessimist through and through, so...

The comments about death were a little easier to deal with, and so he focused on that first. "I know you were," he said with a nod. "But you've got to face that that's changed. I know this seems like a pretty bad deal, to come back and be here, but... that doesn't mean you shouldn't even try."

Was he really giving him advice? Peter thought he could be pretty inspirational when he wanted to be, and he'd certainly convinced Isaac to help him assemble the paintings before, but it still felt odd to be giving him a pep talk like this, especially with how things had ended between them.

"I've come back from the dead before." He knew it wasn't the same, but he wasn't going to split hairs over it now. Making a connection was his main goal at that moment. "Maybe it doesn't make sense, but neither does painting the future, right? The first thing you need to do is just... accept that it happened, even if it doesn't make sense. Then you can move on from there."