Night 53: F21-F30 Hallway

[windstwilight]

And that was just a weird jumble of nonsense. She wondered if that Marc guy knew anything about the name that Landel mentioned, or if it was just more bullshit being thrown around. She wouldn't doubt it. The girl shook her head, sighing a bit, and straightened, snagging her sword from its leaning position. Tucking it securely into her waist band,

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F21

[foolishmessiah]

It took a moment for Minato to properly process what he was hearing. He had known about what had happened last night; their notes to each other on the bulletin board had given him a pretty clear picture of what to expect. He had gone through the counseling too, with the evoker at his hip the only lasting physical reminder. It was difficult, knowing what you had done against your will, knowing that you had thought you were in the right state of mind at the time.

Apologizing on the board to those he had harmed. Meeting one of them, Abe, in person to ask for the evoker that had been confiscated from him while he was unconscious. Allowing his mind to be opened up, exposing his Personas to Abe, and watching him react to the monsters in his expansive soul.

Aigis had likely gone through something very similar to that. And on top of that, she had been upset earlier in the day by something he had not had time to ask about. Yet she was reciting what had happened last night like she was giving him a report.

His concern was almost palpable. This was all wrong.

F21

[no_dont_go]

He didn't say anything and for once Aigis wasn't sure if she could read his expression. She knew how he ought to be feeling, but his face contradicted her knowledge.

"Are you not angry?" She looked up from the plushie in her hands and into Minato's eyes. He didn't seem angry. Why wasn't he? "Do you not understand?"

What was the last date he remembered? She couldn't recall, but it had been after Ikutsuki's betrayal, hadn't it? He had already seen her at her worst. She had almost killed him and all the rest of their friends that night. She would have if something hadn't held her back, a flaw in her programming or a virus she hadn't been able to detect. She had fought back then and succeeded, holding strong until Koromaru had take the initiative and stolen the manual controls from Ikutsuki.

After an ordeal like that, fighting against deviant instructions should have been easier, but no. It was not the case. She dropped her gaze from him. Her chest burned. "Can't you see that I failed?"

F21

[foolishmessiah]

She was expecting a certain reaction out of him. Shame? Anger? Disappointment? None of those were on his mind, though. How could they be, when he was thinking about what she had gone through -- not just within the institute, but back in their world, too.

It was like the Moonlight Bridge again, with Aigis bearing her heart and waiting for him to push her over the edge while she was already so destroyed. The physical changes when the situations resonated so similarly to him. The comparison was further bolstered by the recent bombshells he had to deal with. The end of the world. His death. Things that he shouldn't push aside, but did in order to give Aigis as much compassion as he would normally show others.

Minato dipped his head when her eyes averted, and he propped his sword against the wall quietly. Then his arms were up, hands resting on Aigis' even as she held onto the plushie. His eyes were calm and knowing, even as his frown dipped lower with worry.

"You couldn't have done anything." The doctors wouldn't have allowed her to.

That was why he was here. That was why he had come for her. She needed to know before she went further into a downward spiral.

F21

[no_dont_go]

She didn't expect for him to touch her, so it was with surprised that she returned her gaze to his. He seemed upset still. Not angry. And his words, they were too kind.

"I do not understand." She felt that almost painful pressure behind her eyes, like yesterday. She wanted to give in, but she would not allow it. Instead, she rooted herself in her resolve to remain neutral. She could not let it affect her any more. Her feelings could not hurt her if they were not real.

"I cannot help but believe I have become useless. This body is powerless." She hardened her expression. "Scrap metal."

F21

[foolishmessiah]

Minato's face did not change as he listened to how Aigis described herself. He couldn't hope to truly understand the transformation she had gone through, from a robotic body to a human one that apparently was accompanied by a truckload of tangled emotions.

His hands dropped down, but he remained directly in front of Aigis while he shook his head. She had to realized that, while her body had changed, it wasn't useless. She couldn't give up on herself like that and allow her body to be used against her.

"You aren't powerless." This went beyond her body and her physical strength; this was about her mindset and confidence, which he wanted to rebuild as best he could. But how? "You have to adapt."

He had almost slipped 'just' in there. You just have to adapt. But that would make it sound so easy, so simple. And if there was anything he understood from looking at Aigis now, it was that none of this would be easy or simple for her.

F21

[no_dont_go]

Adapt. A reasonable enough goal. It even sounded manageable when he said it that way, but she was unsure. Could she adapt to this kind of situation? This body... She had believed she had come to an understanding about it. But that was before, when even the simplest thing like eating seemed a miracle. Why did this false humanity have to become so stifling?

"I have to overcome..." she muttered under her breath. That's right. She had people who depended on her, no matter how useless she may be at this time. If she could adapt as Minato had said, then she may gain the ability to provide support again. Just as she used to in their battles back home.

"Can you tell me something then, Minato-san?" she asked, regaining a bit more strength in her voice. Not so beat down. Not so emotional. And maybe a bit more mechanical. "What kind of expression should I wear in this instance? What feelings should I portray? I thought I understood before what human emotions really were, but lately... I have begun to doubt."

Heat. Utena. Rei. They all claimed she seemed human but what had really made them think that? She couldn't fathom it.

F21

[foolishmessiah]

Doubt. It was all too common, especially here. Even he had been wrought with doubts here more often than back home, doubting what he was seeing, whether he had even met Mitsuru, whether Souji had been in the institute, whether Yukari had been "discharged" before she was "returned." He shut his eyes momentarily as he thought of an answer.

But what Aigis was doubting was an understanding of what human emotions were. And maybe it was the fact that he was human--perhaps he took his humanity for granted--but he found there was no easy answer this time.

So it is a longer silence than usual. He regards his friend thoughtfully once he opens his eyes again, his voice quiet.

"You shouldn't 'wear' an expression. Everything you feel makes up your expression." Confusion, anger, distress, frustration, grief, self-pity, doubt. Clarity, acceptance, determination, hope. "Feelings are complex."

The understatement of all humanity.

F21

[no_dont_go]

He took his time to answer. Long silences were common with Minato though, so Aigis was not put off but his contemplation. In fact, it was almost fitting to have to wait for an answer. She had been carrying this question for a long time, longer than she probably even realized, perhaps even before she had come here.

Minato's answer wasn't simple at all, but she hadn't expected anything easy. In fact, it made choosing an expression more difficult. Though if she followed his advice, there should be no choosing involved at all. "I agree, it seems complex. As a machine, in my former body, my expression was based on a formula that took many factors into account. However, I believe it was still much more simplified than human emotions."

She nodded a little to herself then smiled ever so slightly. "It was easier being what I was before. This body does not sort information into data or respond in a uniform fashion. It is not a bad thing, but it can be troubling, too."

She looked up at his eyes. She had always adored those eyes. Those eyes that saw her as a friend and not just a tool. So kind and comforting and patient. "Thank you, Minato-san. I feel..." She paused, thinking over her words carefully. "I understand that I may be closer to humanity here than ever before. But it is a hard thing to accept and place faith in, especially after last night."

F21

[foolishmessiah]

Minato nodded as he listened to Aigis think about the process aloud. Emotions could be formulaic in some instances, which was something Aigis could appreciate, but there would be "variables" that made human emotion less predictable and more ... chaotic. Mood swings, strong feelings, resolutions. In his mind's eye, he could still see the physical representations of his friends' growth--the ascension of their Personas.

For a moment, he was distracted by the wayward thought of what had happened to Aigis' Persona. But he quickly dismissed the thought so he could focus on responding. She was looking at him, after all, with a tentative smile.

He wanted to assure her that things would be okay and make that smile a little stronger. So he smiled as he spoke.

"You never stop learning how to be human." He was just sorry this place was where she had to experience so many of the negative aspects, which in turn made his smile wry. "You just received a crash course."

F21

[no_dont_go]

"I see. So it is hard for humans, too?" Such a thing had never really occurred to her before. Her nature as an android must have been rather special--she woke up already understanding all her necessary functions and processes. How did humans cope with everything, then? All the twisting, curving emotions and the unexpected ups and downs that came with everyday interactions, they were all so overwhelming.

"Things have been quite difficult to process in the last few days." Aigis lifted Schrodinger and presented the stuffed cat doll to Minato. "I believe it all began when Heat, a dear friend, gave me Schrodinger-san. That night I also gained Yukari-san's Evoker, so I showed him Athena."

She stopped speaking for a moment and just... breathed. It was hard to talk about these things--having acquired their missing friend's Evoker, her last time seeing Heat--but she felt they needed to be said. "The next morning, I found myself not only in possession of Schrodinger-san but also a set of weapons I was unfamiliar with. I believe... Heat left them to me." And now he was gone. That part didn't need to be said.

F21

[foolishmessiah]

A dear friend. She had trusted this Heat enough to show him her Persona as soon as she had the capability. It answered his own silent question about her ability to summon a Persona, and now he had an explanation for Aigis' weeping the other day.

She had made a new friend. She had been hurt. She had felt loss. And with Yukari's disappearance, and the institute being what it was... Aigis had reacted just as anyone else would have under the pressure, unfamiliarity with emotions or not.

He looked over the stuffed cat as he thought, vaguely wondering where this Heat had found a stuffed animal to give to Aigis. Part of him wanted to try and soften the blow of Heat's disappearance by rationalizing that there had been a lot of "discharges" lately. Another part wanted to comfort her on the emotional front, since she was obviously still learning how to cope with loss.

Another part simply wanted to state the obvious. "It sounds like he cared about you a lot." ...He should probably say a little more than that. "He wanted to protect you even when he was gone."

F21

[no_dont_go]

Aigis hugged the plushie to herself, feeling marginally more comforted by holding it close. She nodded at Minato's words slowly, taking them all in. So few words, but saying so very much.

"I would like to believe that is true." She didn't want to give herself too much credit, but she knew neither Heat nor Minato were ones to lie about how they felt. Heat had always said he would help them, too, offering to join them in the fight against Nyx. That, she felt, could not have been a lie either. It made her hate this place all the more. She had lost a potential ally and friend. But it conflicted. She had met Heat here. Without this place, she would never have known him either. "He often said things I did not understand, but he made it quite clear that he wished to help me."

She moved to sit back down on the bed, still keeping Schrodinger held close to her. "I wish I could have spoken with him more. Though it is strange. I never believed I would make connections outside of S.E.E.S. before now."

F21

[foolishmessiah]

"We had to protect your secret." There was a slight apologetic tone to his voice. While he was sure that Aigis' programming or responsibilities bore part of the blame for her lack of human interaction, he also knew that they could have had added to the perception that Aigis could not make connections outside of their group.

Would it have helped her, interacting with other students and people in Iwatodai? He did not know much about her life with the Kirijo Group besides some vague details, but Aigis still approached many things with a certain ... naivety. They could shield her by shuttling her from the dorms to the school, but here...?

The more he thought about it, the more it seemed like they had not really prepared Aigis for proper human interaction. He could only encourage her to be curious and hope it would not hinder her too much inside the institute -- while keeping tabs on her as best he could.

"You should make friends. Even if it may hurt." Friends were a source of strength and motivation.

F21

[no_dont_go]

"Yes, it was vital that my nature remain a secret." She had understood the reasoning, true, but now she wondered whether all the worry had been needed. Time and time again here she had been told by others that she seemed utterly human. Then again, she certainly hadn't been very human until shortly before she obtained Athena. She remembered that had been the day everyone had told her she had changed. But had she really? Perhaps it was as she feared and they had only said it to give her false hope.

She looked up, surprised by his words. She almost expected him to tell her to be more discreet, or to return to only speaking to S.E.E.S. members. But he did not. And that made her undeniably, indescribably happy. "I can... keep making friends? That is fine with you?"

He warned it might hurt, but she didn't care. Not when she felt... how did one describe it? So... warm? Warm. That was the only would she could think of to explain it. She clutched Schrodinger in her arms again, but this time it wasn't out of misery but elation. "I believe I would like that."