Night 53: Solitary Room 1

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{Rubedo might come back.}

That was the crux of the matter, wasn’t it? Words said at the break of day, tinged with irony and dramatics. And what had happened that next day? What had accumulated from knowledge and belief

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His mind felt shattered still. He had put forth a solution, had it accepted, stated his understanding of his brother and was told that was enough--was given soft affection in face of his pain, was told all he wanted to hear in reply to his tears. He froze, muscles slacking entirely, body tipping to the side. Any strength he had drained from him. Not eating, living on sedatives, and now all of this, after everything allowed nothing to remain. His chest heaved slowly, the deep breaths of a dying animal.

But he wasn't dying, was he? His existence wasn't one to fade so easily. Despite wants, efforts, attempts.... He was half-laying on Nigredo at this point, reclining without the power to force himself upright. His voice was quiet. "I wanted to die, too, you know."

There was an absence of sound in the space after, as Albedo tried to force his mind to move. "Both of you would leave, and even when... When I... No matter what I did, it still hurt. I couldn't just. Be okay with it. But I couldn't just die, could I?" He gave a strangled laugh. "Not like here. It would have been too easy a few nights ago. To let those things continue eating me and be done with it. To take the shotgun in my closet and end it. It's possible now, right? But things aren't settled... with Rubedo. And I promised you. That I wouldn't leave you alone. That I wouldn't hurt you. And dying would hurt you, wouldn't it? I understand now...."

The rant trailed off into silence, his eyes unfocused to stare at the wall.

[falseblack]

Ice formed in his veins. The flesh on Nigredo's face drained of their color, and he could taste a sensation closest to chalk in his mouth. This reaction was strange, given what he knew. And he knew, just as Albedo did in regards to his own desires. It was not understood, but he knew that Albedo had wanted it. Beneath everything, ever since that day his regeneration had been revealed, Albedo had changed. Had grown obsessed with death.

And here, only a few days before this, Nigredo had learned. Albedo could die. So none of this was that surprising. Yet, it was. It pained to know his brother had thought to follow through because, yes, dying would have hurt him. Would have resulted in things better left outside his imagination. However...

He remained silent for a long time, fingers moving in slower intervals. "You didn't hurt me," he finally whispered. "You didn't leave me alone. So..." It was fine. As it was, it was fine. Even as everything inside came to a halt.

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There was something cooling within him. A quiet settling of emotions. Everything was becoming simple, perhaps in a flawed way. It shouldn't be simple, but his mind had moved too far. Was too exhausted deep in his soul. So it didn't matter. Did it? No. It didn't matter. "You, too," he intoned. "You didn't hurt me like that. But you almost did, didn't you? You almost let him kill you. Don't you understand?"

Understand. Understand what? Oh. Yes. That pain. It had moved from him, dulled. "It's the same. I can't bear to lose you either. That night..." That night. Which night. There were so many. That night. "I was scared. You didn't fight back. You just let... If you died...."

He felt sick again. He didn't know why. He was shivering suddenly, uncontrollably. He wasn't cold, was he? So why?

--Because he had believed he had almost lost Nigredo. In the same hours he realized he loved him. The irony was too precise to be anything but fitting. It was horrible, and he shook harder without knowing.

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Ah. That night. The memory was enough to prompt blood to flow. For a moment, Nigredo saw clarity like it never existed before, and for all his faulty reasoning, he could understand. How that had hurt Albedo. Why the response afterward had proved so damning. The variant, however, could not apologize. They were passed such sentiments now, and words couldn't change what had occurred.

Once again, his chest cavity tightened. And again, his mouth formed the words. "I fought back," he started dryly, "at first. I never liked him. He was..." Too much like a reminder. "I stopped at some point. I couldn't; I don't know why. I gave up." Before he even tried.

That apathy, the one that scared him. It had come out of nowhere, but Nigredo knew now. Its origins were rooted in what was mentioned previously. What Rubedo had said. What Nigredo had recalled. He continued, "But then he asked..." {Is there any way you want to die?} "...and I knew. No one was there to say otherwise."

That's why...

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A response. Did he have any? He didn't believe so. What to say to any of this? Should he fight the words? Deny what had already transpired? He was not as weak as that. Albedo had spoke to share, to be understood. And possibly, Nigredo had done the same. Albedo couldn't tell him, in the ways that mattered, that he had thought of him that night in details, came to conclusions. It was petty in retrospect, meaningless. There was no point to it. Why speak of something nice to look at when there's but blood at your feet?

This passed in bits and pieces in his mind, and he nodded slowly. He was cold again. Things had frozen again. The back and forth would make him ill if nothing else. "And now?" he wondered curiously. "Will you fight back now?"

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Would he? In honesty, Nigredo hadn't truly contemplated the possibilities within the question. He had made attempts at a defense the subsequent nights, but he would admit to faltering for varying reasons. For his brother's sake, however, the boy considered it. Would he fight back should Sync attempt again? Would he allow the same incident to occur a second time? For the breaks to occur and another death wish to settle?

Within this context, the answer was clear. There were things he could no longer accept--for his own determination if nothing else. "He'll die," he said, almost in a matter-of-fact tone, "before that happens again."

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There was something to be pleased in this, and Albedo thrummed in his throat, quietly, like a content cat. "Good answer," he gave on habit, then rethought, tipping his head into Nigredo's shoulder without realizing. He wouldn't ask if it was possible. Nigredo would not state that clearly if it wasn't. Albedo stayed silent, then glanced up. "So I don't have to be scared then?"

Perhaps it was half-manipulation, but he wasn't aware enough to see it as such. It existed as a fact, spoken more clearly then he would have under sedation's serum. His gaze moved to the ground once more. If he didn't have to be scared... That meant things were settled. Things had been settled before. He had thought at least. He had made decisions to that end. "You're better than me, then, aren't you?" And why was that? What separated them on this subject? "My answer to the threat of both your deaths was to die myself. But I couldn't die. So what was I to do."

The words existed as a story, the question moved as a statement. The pause only for his audience to be engrossed. He did all this without thinking, brain shutting down and habits shifting forward.

[falseblack]

It wasn't that Albedo no longer had to be scared, nor was Nigredo the better creature for his answer. Though one half of the information presented stayed far beyond the younger sibling's comprehension, he at least knew they were dealing death in their own way. Even as the thought persisted as a threat, he could accept the difference. So when Albedo glanced up, Nigredo looked down. When Albedo's gaze fell away, Nigredo watched.

He could have said something--anything, really--but instead, he remained silent. This was not the time to reply.

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There was silence and it was something to regret and be grateful for. Albedo would keep talking, then. Where he shouldn't, perhaps. It wasn't for him to know. The subject has risen and none had moved to shift it. He settled downward, gave in to gravity's hold and curled slightly in Nigredo's lap. "I'll tell you, then. Clues to pieces to puzzles. What are we? A retrovirus. Made to destroy our anti-existence. Right? Of course. There are several facts to consider."

He spoke casually by now, the part of him that existed in emotions slid somewhere far away. He was moving by rote, reciting memories that were facts. It was possible that the fact of Nigredo didn't fall into it at all. It was possible that Nigredo was the only reason Albedo was speaking. "U-DO cannot kill me like it can the Standards. Rubedo is the Red Dragon, the perfect severity of waveform to counter U-DO. Taking those facts...."

Something tensed in his spine, a last resolve to keep what was his. There was no reason to speak this, was there? No reason at all. It was not something untouched--sacred and profane--nor was it the dark earth, but still it was something that was his. A decision he had reached by himself, to hold to as long as he lived. There were reasons for everything he had done, and he refused to be judged on the options left to him. It was what he had saw in front of him. It was all that he saw left. Perhaps the desperate act conceived by a broken boy's desires, but it was a logical deduction all the same. He had seen the facts that he stated. And saw an opening in their surroundings. In that girl's domain.

"There was U-DO near to us at that point, wasn't there? And if someone became tainted by it, Rubedo would have to kill them, wouldn't he? Especially him. Because of the power he held. So it makes sense, doesn't it?" He was shivering again, shaking without his own knowledge. His teeth chattered, catching on words. "It... It makes sense. And then, that person wouldn't...."

The detachment was fading with the clear quality of his memories. This was why Albedo held grudges. This was why he didn't mind forgetting things. Because the memories that were held were so clear, crystalline and perfect. Horrible. Albedo's voice dropped to a whisper. "Then I wouldn't be alone."

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The logic made sense in a way it shouldn't, the final message pristine enough for the little brother to wish desperately for confusion. If he had to explain the words to an outsider, the account given would be the following: Albedo could not die, but Rubedo could kill what was tainted by U-DO. Thus, the solution he had reached in the subconscious domain of Sakura Mizrahi's mind was to be tainted. To allow the Red Dragon to destroy and regeneration to cease.

Had that been why-- No. Nigredo could attest that the happenings in the Conflict were incidental. The bottom line, however, did not change. He could die given the presented logic, and Nigredo was right to fear a confrontation between the two eldest.

Why? There was no reason to tell Nigredo. There was nothing he could do aside from wish for the opposite, and that proved useless at best. Perhaps the middle variant could find a connection in sharing, but all it did for Nigredo was widen the distance. "You want," he began, his voice sounding strange to his ears, "to die so you wouldn't be alone?"

Opposite. It was opposite with him. He wanted to die so he could be alone. That was why he couldn't quite understand the conclusion.

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The question read as obvious to Albedo. He shifted, despite his body's wants, to tip his head to look upward at his brother. "Yes," he answered matter-of-factly. "Of course." Was this not clear? Was there something left to the imagination? He had just said, moments before, hadn't he? That both of them would die. The thought kept still like a shotgun blast to his stomach. No matter how long time would keep. The fact still came harshly each time.

He didn't want to revoice it. He wanted to pretend that it would go away.

But Albedo was too true to his own nature. Masochistic, unconsciously or not, he would always pick at scabs. Never allow anything to heal. Perhaps that spoke unwell of the strange half-agreement the two had just made moments before. "You two will die." Somehow the tone was even, the sentence firm. Somehow he said this without shattering more. Perhaps strain had pressed his mind into submission; numbness swallowing anything his own survival wouldn't allow. "And I'll be left alone.

"But if I die," he went on. "I'll be with you both. Right?" The question was a mistake--he instantly regretted it. It allowed room for doubt in a situation that needed to be solid. In a sentence that encompassed his existence and allowed him motion. He spoke in a rush. "There's no way I could... Still be... I can't be without you. So I'll stay with you if I can." If. Wrong. A frantic kind of madness moved to dance in the edges of his eyes. "If I die, I won't be alone."

He had spoke too much. He knew this even as he was. It sounded too much... Like he was trying to convince himself. But that was already done. His being had focused on that information. It was only this night.... This night, this night. It was so wretched and broken. He had half a mind to ask what day it was. Yes. That was more than true. He only had half a mind left at this point, didn't he? He could laugh.

He was too exhausted to make the effort.

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To counter a series of statements rooted in death was folly. Nigredo understood: despite the apparent uncertainty in tone, these seated far beyond the surface for casual dismissal. Yet every fiber of his being rejected the words. He could relate, more than most and certainly more than his brothers, to the aftermath of death. Between escaped brain matter and morning's light lay nothing. No memory of transition, no awareness. You couldn't be together in a state where no bonds held. Albedo was wrong. When you died, you died alone.

In the end, however, it couldn't be said. For one, such a thing had tendencies for misunderstandings or arguments. For another, regardless of knowledge, Nigredo did not want to pick apart the nature of death. It was not for them. Perhaps in the future, but not now. Not when tenacity and comprehension were lacking.

His eyes slid to a nearby wall, their focus distant and unrefined. The child would not argue one aspect, but the other was worth giving away. He never intended to do so, and yet his mind started to turn. {Isn't that the same?} Did Albedo not realize? {As wanting me to die. Wanting to Rubedo to die.} As desiring murder and violence.

The fingers in his brother's hair trembled, the source unknown. {It's the same for me,} he continued quietly, mental voice weakening in the sending. {I can't be without you. That's why when you were taken that night, I--} Had felt the absence. Nigredo paused, breaths heaving. The temptation to press into his chest at this point was too great. Somehow, he remained as he was.

"I want us to be together. You do, too." {So why is it different?}

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Isn't it the same?

There was nothing similar in the words. Albedo had no place there, and if he died, then finally, when they eventually did, they would all be reunited. Wasn't it the same? How could it be the same? He would wish his own deaths, not theirs, despite past actions. "It's not the same at all," he answered. "I want you to live."

A generic you, the term general. His mind couldn't place Rubedo, couldn't decide yet if a punishment of death was enough, or should it be drawn-out, or if he should beg on bended knee for affection, or just walk away, like he was told once, and live his own life without thinking of his twin. The last was pure folly, absolute lies, and whatever way there was before him, Albedo wasn't thinking about it.

And yet Nigredo spoke again. The same? The same as... Being unable to exist without the other? The fact of that night being spoken about was enough to pull Albedo's attention forward, but Nigredo allowed no point of interruption and continued further.

Was it fact? Truth to be told? It's the same, Nigredo had said--I can't be without you. There was something warm moving within Albedo despite the loss still flowing through him, and he made an effort to straighten, move, shift beneath his brother's hand to reach an arm up to touch the fingers in his hair--run them down the arm to the face not too far. Fingertips graced skin. Warm. Alive. This is what that meant. "Because..." There was a pause, some motion like a half-hearted shrug. "We are only ourselves."

{But if you can't be without me...} Albedo continued in another form. There was a question behind this, a wary caution. It was too difficult to believe that something ended up being exactly as you had wanted. {If it's the same.} What did that mean? How to move to clarify correctly. How to understand if it meant the same as what he felt. Albedo didn't know how to move with this, and it was shown expertly in an allowed confusion. "Do you love me, Nigredo?"

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Denial formed on automatic, and instantly, he felt ashamed. Differences always registered as poignant in the child's observations, enough to overwhelm promises. Therefore, it was easier to say he still wanted to die than accept Albedo's want for his life. Therefore, he kept quiet, pushing the thoughts to the furthest corner of his mind. Like a grudging acceptance. It marked progress and stagnation all at once.

But Albedo shifted, hand and words touching on memories Nigredo held of the twins in the past. Back before the Conflict, before their special patient, when they were closer to each other in blood and bonds while their youngest lived in contentment-- When everything seemed unchanging in the world. The pain in his chest blossomed, and the child shuddered at the beginning signs of a migraine.

This place made it difficult to send through the link, he remembered. He should have saved the effort; he still had an answer to give, and now, his voice was utterly useless for no reason at all. There was a long stretch of silence, green eyes now finding the floor.

Finally, Nigredo nodded slowly, as if confessing a sin. As if his answer wouldn't make sense. {I have always...} He swallowed, the taste in his mouth turning bitter. Thought finishing on the obvious. ...loved you.