(no subject)
i feel like i have already lived my life. everyone around me seems to be happy & normal.
i will never meet anyone like me. because i'll never be able to figure anyone out. i can't say who i am, i just don't know how to describe it, but i can feel it. i haven't met anyone yet that sees things the way i do or feels as deeply about things. maybe its because i dont really ask anyone. i dont really care anyway. ive been so close so many times to just saying fuck it with this world and just leave forever. everything i am doing seems to lead up to one thing. yah i want to work at a job i like, but its still work, and i can make money and buy things to make myself feel better about the way i look, but if i'm alone whats the point. like getting really dressed up and not going anywhere and no one sees you. its wasted effort. i have a sinking feeling i will be alone for the rest of my life. i try so hard to open up but how can i expect anyone to like me if i dont always like myself. nothing comes out of my mouth the way i want. i'm never the center of anyones focus. every guy i have been with, i was never first. there was always someone else they wanted more. i learned to deal with it because i am on a different planet anyway. i can't do it anymore. i would rather be alone than put myself through that again. and the biggest problem is i dont know how to act and what to say and i will never know if i'm the first, people lie. i'm always afraid. i never wanted to get married and live for a long time, until this semester. but no matter the situation, if i care about someone, i will want to see them even if i am not their first girl. and i will be a mess because of it, but i can't give up someone that i want. if that happens again i am going to fight over the person i want. if i am happy i refuse to just let it go to another girl. because i want to be first. i want to be with someone i care about who wants me more than anyone else. i can't explain how i feel, its as if i'm 10 years older. because i don't know how to act i think i come off in a negative way. no boy i have cared about has ever made any effort to simply be nice to me, except for recently. i don't know how to react if someone is nice to me. i hope i dont come across as boring. most things i used to say i dont talk about anymore. noone is really listening. i know because i myself wouldnt listen. freshman year i cannot even believe how opposite i was then to what i am now. i don't write anymore. now i feel like, if i draw or write, it needs to be for some purpose, enjoyment isnt enough. i simultaneously want someone to read the stories i write, but that would mean the reader would be able to visualize what my mind is like, and i'm afraid to have someone see that deep into my personality.
i have to document everything. whenever i'm feeling like i'm not going to make it. its a timeline of my life, and how i am a completely different person each time.
nostalgia is powerful, and love is dangerous. and its reminiscent combination could be enough to send someone to an asylum.
i will never meet anyone like me. because i'll never be able to figure anyone out. i can't say who i am, i just don't know how to describe it, but i can feel it. i haven't met anyone yet that sees things the way i do or feels as deeply about things. maybe its because i dont really ask anyone. i dont really care anyway. ive been so close so many times to just saying fuck it with this world and just leave forever. everything i am doing seems to lead up to one thing. yah i want to work at a job i like, but its still work, and i can make money and buy things to make myself feel better about the way i look, but if i'm alone whats the point. like getting really dressed up and not going anywhere and no one sees you. its wasted effort. i have a sinking feeling i will be alone for the rest of my life. i try so hard to open up but how can i expect anyone to like me if i dont always like myself. nothing comes out of my mouth the way i want. i'm never the center of anyones focus. every guy i have been with, i was never first. there was always someone else they wanted more. i learned to deal with it because i am on a different planet anyway. i can't do it anymore. i would rather be alone than put myself through that again. and the biggest problem is i dont know how to act and what to say and i will never know if i'm the first, people lie. i'm always afraid. i never wanted to get married and live for a long time, until this semester. but no matter the situation, if i care about someone, i will want to see them even if i am not their first girl. and i will be a mess because of it, but i can't give up someone that i want. if that happens again i am going to fight over the person i want. if i am happy i refuse to just let it go to another girl. because i want to be first. i want to be with someone i care about who wants me more than anyone else. i can't explain how i feel, its as if i'm 10 years older. because i don't know how to act i think i come off in a negative way. no boy i have cared about has ever made any effort to simply be nice to me, except for recently. i don't know how to react if someone is nice to me. i hope i dont come across as boring. most things i used to say i dont talk about anymore. noone is really listening. i know because i myself wouldnt listen. freshman year i cannot even believe how opposite i was then to what i am now. i don't write anymore. now i feel like, if i draw or write, it needs to be for some purpose, enjoyment isnt enough. i simultaneously want someone to read the stories i write, but that would mean the reader would be able to visualize what my mind is like, and i'm afraid to have someone see that deep into my personality.
i have to document everything. whenever i'm feeling like i'm not going to make it. its a timeline of my life, and how i am a completely different person each time.
nostalgia is powerful, and love is dangerous. and its reminiscent combination could be enough to send someone to an asylum.