October 10, 2008

Oct 19, 2008 18:42

It was the first time in fifteen years since I had heard his voice. His West Virginian accent was far from unnoticeable, or unforgettable for that matter. The message was abrupt and cold, and could have been mistaken for nerves. "Hey Jo, it's your dad...." he proceeded to leave his number and the time he planned on being around to answer a returning call. As I listened to the remainder of his message, the voice of my lab partner in the background brought me back to reality. "THIS is NOT a dream...Today this is not a dream..." I hung up the phone, and started shuffled around papers in order to ready myself for the major studying I had planned on doing, all the while my heart still pounding, adrenaline rushing through my body, and mind scurrying from his call. As I sat down and started dissecting my cat, I couldn't help but play it over and over again in my head, "Hey Jo, it's your dad..." All focus was lost!
After twenty minutes of the worst anxiety that had ever overcome me, I decided to put down my tweezers and scalpel, pick up my phone, and leave the lab. "I'll be back shortly." I said to Kristen, my lab partner, who was just as eager to get her studying done as I was, "I have to get this phone call out of the way, otherwise I'll be useless!" I left the building and walked out onto the patch of grass in front of the Science Lecture Hall. This patch of grass had comforted me before. I had sprawled out there to catch an uncountable amount of naps before lectures, met Lyle for lunch time hang outs, and sat under the tree just to enjoy the day and the shade the tree produced. This time, would be different, not only for the grass, but for me as well. My hands shook as I dialed the number. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. "What the hell am I supposed to even talk about with this man?" The ringing on the other side of the phone seemed too long, as if time was slowing down. I know he could feel exactly the same way, as I am sure it is harder for him to pick it up, than for me to make the dial. There it was again, the West Virginian voice I heard in the message, "Hello?" In the most cheek biting, grass pulling, awkwardly happy (but more choked up) voice I replied, "Hi it's Joelle!"....the conversation proceeded. It's was uncanny how we both acted like we talk all the time. I think we both new then wasn't the time to answer questions that had developed over a fifteen year period, or a time to ask them...

Two moments of me pinching myself to stop from crying and one hour of shooting the shit later, the West Virginian was gone, and there I was sobbing uncontrollably in the middle of campus. Fifteen years of walls built up so big the Great Wall of China would be jealous, were completely crumbled into dust. My surroundings were gone, all comfort the grassy accommodation had to offer, gone.

After letting myself stay in a complete state of vulnerability for less than a minute, I wiped away my tears, took a deep breath, rebuilt my walls, and walked back into the lab.

There I was, back in lab, the girl with puffy eyes and red cheeks, I could feel the stares of concern looking my way, but I dared to not look them back straight in the eye, confirming their questions of, "Is she crying?" And more so out of fear of those unsteady re-built walls to break once again and prove that I was crying.

The hardest part of breaking fifteen years of silence is over. What will happen next? I'll leave that up to the West Virginian...
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