Losing my grip, and I'm in this thing alone.....
Once again my Dad is in the hospital. He's bleeding internally, they're not sure where from. Right now they're just giving him blood, trying to stabilize him. He'd been feeling cruddy since probably the first, but we just assumed it was the flu. On Thursday he was a terrifying shade of grey, and started throwing up. Sunday my Mom and I kept having to help him up off the floor, because he'd either roll off the bed or try to get up to go to the bathroom and collapse. Finally today, while I was watching my nieces, she and my uncle tried to get him out of the house to get him to the hospital. They had to call an ambulance. When he got there, they said he only had enough blood to keep him alive. I started shaking when I heard that.
I'm an absolute wreck, so is my mom. I just don't know what to do. I keep wandering the house, intent on doing something, then deciding against it. I feel like I'm about to snap and just lose it entirely. There's only so much one can take, and I'm reaching the point where I can't smooth over the cracks to pretend I'm okay. I'm so not okay.
Wanna know a secret? Part of me just wants to give up; to let go of sanity and finally do what I've been fighting my whole life against. I sort of want to just go insane, because insanity is easier than real life.
I'm such a fucking coward.
I'm an absolute wreck, so is my mom. I just don't know what to do. I keep wandering the house, intent on doing something, then deciding against it. I feel like I'm about to snap and just lose it entirely. There's only so much one can take, and I'm reaching the point where I can't smooth over the cracks to pretend I'm okay. I'm so not okay.
Wanna know a secret? Part of me just wants to give up; to let go of sanity and finally do what I've been fighting my whole life against. I sort of want to just go insane, because insanity is easier than real life.
I'm such a fucking coward.