The cross between fate and fantasy is a costly one.
For those who remember this account from the beginning. Lenny, Brendan, etc. You all know I only Resort to the land of LiveJournal when I want to really get to the crux of my problems. However, their's no pending problem, but something that could lead to a pain I never felt before. Fragility. I'm very Fragile person cause I'm in a transition that'll either end up to a period of absolute greatness or a level of deeper uncertainty and insecurity that could be harder to get out of.
Let me get into the root of it. I'm with this great girl named Janette. However, to say our relationship is rocky would be an understatement. It's mostly my attitude which gets me in trouble, but if things go as plan then she'll be up here within a matter or mere weeks. Finally being able to show that love that I've desired and fueled myself over the top with is something that makes me happy, but a problem is that if this falls out, then That looming question of "What If" comes back to haunt me.
Before I got with Janette, it took me a whole 13 months of asking that question of "What if" because of the things I would see with my eyes that would make me think. For you see, ex g/fs of mine (some whom I'm still close friends with to this day) would get with guys that would treat them worse then anything. I'm talking Violence, emotional and mental abuse, etc. Yet these guys who from what I saw (in some cases knew) didn't have that much more to offer, especially if the risk was that high and witness on a fairly frequent basis. These guys would get further and would reep whatever rewards I never got and it kinds bothers me to this day. Whatever happened to Karma?
Now, I'm a massive believer in the concept of Karma and "You get what you deserve." Well, for someone who's never EVER laid a hand on a woman in a violent manner, or abused them emotionally and mentally with terms and phrases like "Slut" "Whore" "Bitch" "Your worthless"; I still haven't gotten as far as pricks who do those same things and it's nothing short of..well...pathetic quite frankly. Everyone stresses respect and how everyone gets what they deserve yet if everyone does that, then isn't this world committing hypocrisy? I mean I've heard myths and rumors that women subconsciously desire guys who are dominant and aggressive, but still that's a little much wouldn't you say? Nice guys don't necessarily finish last cause I know people who are absolutely amazing to say the least and have achieved that level of greatness that I desire; but it's those humble guys, those nice guys who are too laid back for their own good that seem to have to work alot harder and rely on blind luck to get what they want.
Now back to the "What If" factor. This is the most common question I ask myself to this day. "What if I did better?" "What if I had more charisma?" "What if I did this better?" "What if I did that better?" It all ends twofold. On the one hand it's about me and my ability to be a good boyfriend, which at times I feel I am, and other times that I don't. I mean, I'm not rich, not flamboyant, not out-going; but I have great qualities that I figure for the time being at least, that I'd be able to overcome flaws in which seem to doom me to this vary day. I'm honest, I'm real, I'm loving and I'm caring. Those Qualities (although seemingly uncommon in society) I figure would be enough to at least be ok. Yet what do I find myself being? Jealous. I'm jealous of those who has that love that they can actually, truly show. I'm jealous of those who don't deserve the greatness they are getting. "What if I began to act like an Asshole?"
So it brings to today. As I see others I know get that love, mostly all deserving so, I sit back to think: "In two weeks will it all come to ahead?" For you see, if not, if this impending "Fate" turns out to be a fantasy, with how easy things were becoming, how should I believe for one moment that I'll visit those I wanna see? Who's to say that everything will end up being ok in the end? At 21, with a job (a good one might I add) and a level of commitment that only strengthens with each day, I have one question that I'll ask myself to the very end of time:
"Is it me? Or is it fate that's fucking with me."
I love Janette. I pray to god all ends well very soon.
Song of the day: Brand New- Am I Wrong?
"Am I Wrong"
Well I talk
Too much
To myself
And I turn my back on my faith
It's like glass
When we Break
I wish no one in my place
And I've seen
You don't need their seeds
When the cut goes in deep
And I'm lost in sleep
I can't stay
In this place
I can't stand
When the room turns round
On my fate
You give no guarantees
There's no promise
I can keep
I can't stand
I can't see my way
I feel blind
On my feet
I can't stay too long
Am I wrong?
Goodbye, lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, lay the blame on luck
I'm so tired
Of my mood
And sleep comes
With a knife, fork and a spoon
You're so pale
In your face
You let life
Get in your way
And I've seen
You don't need their seeds
When the cut goes in deep
And I'm lost in sleep
Am I wrong?
Goodbye, lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, lay the blame on luck
Let me get into the root of it. I'm with this great girl named Janette. However, to say our relationship is rocky would be an understatement. It's mostly my attitude which gets me in trouble, but if things go as plan then she'll be up here within a matter or mere weeks. Finally being able to show that love that I've desired and fueled myself over the top with is something that makes me happy, but a problem is that if this falls out, then That looming question of "What If" comes back to haunt me.
Before I got with Janette, it took me a whole 13 months of asking that question of "What if" because of the things I would see with my eyes that would make me think. For you see, ex g/fs of mine (some whom I'm still close friends with to this day) would get with guys that would treat them worse then anything. I'm talking Violence, emotional and mental abuse, etc. Yet these guys who from what I saw (in some cases knew) didn't have that much more to offer, especially if the risk was that high and witness on a fairly frequent basis. These guys would get further and would reep whatever rewards I never got and it kinds bothers me to this day. Whatever happened to Karma?
Now, I'm a massive believer in the concept of Karma and "You get what you deserve." Well, for someone who's never EVER laid a hand on a woman in a violent manner, or abused them emotionally and mentally with terms and phrases like "Slut" "Whore" "Bitch" "Your worthless"; I still haven't gotten as far as pricks who do those same things and it's nothing short of..well...pathetic quite frankly. Everyone stresses respect and how everyone gets what they deserve yet if everyone does that, then isn't this world committing hypocrisy? I mean I've heard myths and rumors that women subconsciously desire guys who are dominant and aggressive, but still that's a little much wouldn't you say? Nice guys don't necessarily finish last cause I know people who are absolutely amazing to say the least and have achieved that level of greatness that I desire; but it's those humble guys, those nice guys who are too laid back for their own good that seem to have to work alot harder and rely on blind luck to get what they want.
Now back to the "What If" factor. This is the most common question I ask myself to this day. "What if I did better?" "What if I had more charisma?" "What if I did this better?" "What if I did that better?" It all ends twofold. On the one hand it's about me and my ability to be a good boyfriend, which at times I feel I am, and other times that I don't. I mean, I'm not rich, not flamboyant, not out-going; but I have great qualities that I figure for the time being at least, that I'd be able to overcome flaws in which seem to doom me to this vary day. I'm honest, I'm real, I'm loving and I'm caring. Those Qualities (although seemingly uncommon in society) I figure would be enough to at least be ok. Yet what do I find myself being? Jealous. I'm jealous of those who has that love that they can actually, truly show. I'm jealous of those who don't deserve the greatness they are getting. "What if I began to act like an Asshole?"
So it brings to today. As I see others I know get that love, mostly all deserving so, I sit back to think: "In two weeks will it all come to ahead?" For you see, if not, if this impending "Fate" turns out to be a fantasy, with how easy things were becoming, how should I believe for one moment that I'll visit those I wanna see? Who's to say that everything will end up being ok in the end? At 21, with a job (a good one might I add) and a level of commitment that only strengthens with each day, I have one question that I'll ask myself to the very end of time:
"Is it me? Or is it fate that's fucking with me."
I love Janette. I pray to god all ends well very soon.
Song of the day: Brand New- Am I Wrong?
"Am I Wrong"
Well I talk
Too much
To myself
And I turn my back on my faith
It's like glass
When we Break
I wish no one in my place
And I've seen
You don't need their seeds
When the cut goes in deep
And I'm lost in sleep
I can't stay
In this place
I can't stand
When the room turns round
On my fate
You give no guarantees
There's no promise
I can keep
I can't stand
I can't see my way
I feel blind
On my feet
I can't stay too long
Am I wrong?
Goodbye, lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, lay the blame on luck
I'm so tired
Of my mood
And sleep comes
With a knife, fork and a spoon
You're so pale
In your face
You let life
Get in your way
And I've seen
You don't need their seeds
When the cut goes in deep
And I'm lost in sleep
Am I wrong?
Goodbye, lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, lay the blame on luck