what's the point?
One minute everything is fine...
the next..
Not at all.
So Im on msn today from 7pm till now cause I HAVE NO FUCKING LIFE. Anyways, at 9 Janette starts to talk to me, I can tell she's upset, but anyways she tells me to stay on tonight. I di, I even promised her I would and when she was gone the phone rang. It was Mike. I tell her to wait one moment so I can say goodbye and bring the phone back downstairs. I come upstairs say "Back" to her and nothing. The sad things are that:
1) I feel I am to blame.
and
2) False Hope
Why did Valentine's Day that started very well end up bad? Why does everything I have almost end up that way? I had hope, I was happy, and I was being cool. Then just like everything else, It's all gone. Im just scared to death right now cause with everything going on I need SOMETHING to maintain that will drive me to do something. I mean, Im serious here, who's the say that my chances to be loved now is just an illusion. Don't get me wrong, Im very hopeful, but look what happened to me the past 12 months. I say 12 months cause I did NOTHING wrong. I swear I cannot stress that enough. I would die for some people...DIE. Yet sometimes I wonder if people actually question my commitments. ME! Someone thatpeople know rarely ever lies about ANYTHING. A person that has fucked up sleep patterns cause of one week helping someone. Someone that even stopped going after someone cause they wanted someone else..not once..BUT TWICE. Someone I love, I don't go over cause she wanted someone else. That's true love. The ability to let go so she can be happy..that's true love. Question My commitment now damnit. I DARE YOU. Still, I can give my right arm and leg and yet I feel like I never did enough. I mean I can list the people I think I could help more and well guess one, everyone that has me on LJ is in that line. Brendan, Janette, Lenny, Kirsten etc. Not only that, but Sora, Scott, Skot, Deedee..the list goes on and on and fuckin on. Now I don't regret anytime that I helped anyone. The only thing is that Im pissed at the fact that I feel like I never do enough for anyone. Especially when they help me through crap. Oh you have no idea how much I wanna return the Favor. For Example, Lenny. He was giving me advice and helping my spirits when it comes to having a realtionship cause he's smart and he know what it takes. For that simple Advice, I wanna give him something in return. Now to Brendan, You've helped me countless times and man you will always be my bro. I just hope I can help you more then I already have. To Janette and Kirsten, you both put up with me and you two are simply amazing for it. You still care no matter how stupid, or moronic I get. Im so glad to have friends like you and I hope to better myself and to be better friends for you both. Sora, No matter what has happen, what has been said and all the grudges that are going on with everyone, I still think your a great person, especially on the inside. Don't ever change that. Scott, dude you never gave up hope in me and that alone is amazing. At least Im a better person then I was last march when I first met you. Im getting there, although it's long way away. Deedee, Your very honest and when I need to be put back in check, you do that. You make me question my motives only to better myself and although I haven't reached my point of bliss, Im at leats in the right direction. Please don't stop any of that. Finally, skot. Your young, your naive but your smart. Don't let things get you so badly cause you have people to help you. Just never give up and stay the way you are and everything will be ok.
Now with that being said, I just hope that everything can be settled and I can FINALLY be content with something. I would do anything to know for A FACT that this year, by my birthday, or spring break, or whatever, that Ill be able to be calm and achieve things that would make me ultimately happy. Im optimistic still but Im also scared. I want everything to be ok. Not only that, but I wanna feel important again. Like I really mean something.
the next..
Not at all.
So Im on msn today from 7pm till now cause I HAVE NO FUCKING LIFE. Anyways, at 9 Janette starts to talk to me, I can tell she's upset, but anyways she tells me to stay on tonight. I di, I even promised her I would and when she was gone the phone rang. It was Mike. I tell her to wait one moment so I can say goodbye and bring the phone back downstairs. I come upstairs say "Back" to her and nothing. The sad things are that:
1) I feel I am to blame.
and
2) False Hope
Why did Valentine's Day that started very well end up bad? Why does everything I have almost end up that way? I had hope, I was happy, and I was being cool. Then just like everything else, It's all gone. Im just scared to death right now cause with everything going on I need SOMETHING to maintain that will drive me to do something. I mean, Im serious here, who's the say that my chances to be loved now is just an illusion. Don't get me wrong, Im very hopeful, but look what happened to me the past 12 months. I say 12 months cause I did NOTHING wrong. I swear I cannot stress that enough. I would die for some people...DIE. Yet sometimes I wonder if people actually question my commitments. ME! Someone thatpeople know rarely ever lies about ANYTHING. A person that has fucked up sleep patterns cause of one week helping someone. Someone that even stopped going after someone cause they wanted someone else..not once..BUT TWICE. Someone I love, I don't go over cause she wanted someone else. That's true love. The ability to let go so she can be happy..that's true love. Question My commitment now damnit. I DARE YOU. Still, I can give my right arm and leg and yet I feel like I never did enough. I mean I can list the people I think I could help more and well guess one, everyone that has me on LJ is in that line. Brendan, Janette, Lenny, Kirsten etc. Not only that, but Sora, Scott, Skot, Deedee..the list goes on and on and fuckin on. Now I don't regret anytime that I helped anyone. The only thing is that Im pissed at the fact that I feel like I never do enough for anyone. Especially when they help me through crap. Oh you have no idea how much I wanna return the Favor. For Example, Lenny. He was giving me advice and helping my spirits when it comes to having a realtionship cause he's smart and he know what it takes. For that simple Advice, I wanna give him something in return. Now to Brendan, You've helped me countless times and man you will always be my bro. I just hope I can help you more then I already have. To Janette and Kirsten, you both put up with me and you two are simply amazing for it. You still care no matter how stupid, or moronic I get. Im so glad to have friends like you and I hope to better myself and to be better friends for you both. Sora, No matter what has happen, what has been said and all the grudges that are going on with everyone, I still think your a great person, especially on the inside. Don't ever change that. Scott, dude you never gave up hope in me and that alone is amazing. At least Im a better person then I was last march when I first met you. Im getting there, although it's long way away. Deedee, Your very honest and when I need to be put back in check, you do that. You make me question my motives only to better myself and although I haven't reached my point of bliss, Im at leats in the right direction. Please don't stop any of that. Finally, skot. Your young, your naive but your smart. Don't let things get you so badly cause you have people to help you. Just never give up and stay the way you are and everything will be ok.
Now with that being said, I just hope that everything can be settled and I can FINALLY be content with something. I would do anything to know for A FACT that this year, by my birthday, or spring break, or whatever, that Ill be able to be calm and achieve things that would make me ultimately happy. Im optimistic still but Im also scared. I want everything to be ok. Not only that, but I wanna feel important again. Like I really mean something.