A New Year & A Rebirth Of Peace
Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
The phrase held above has a very simple translation , it is Latin and means the following ...
"If You Want Peace , Prepare For War"
Now to many this statement might carry different connotations. Some know it as one of the mantras that is rhythmically chanted by Marines during exercises while some may merely recognize it as a line spoken in film "The Punisher".
Now before you ask yourself exactly why I started this entry off with that line it is very simple. For the last few years of my life I have found myself searching for peace within my life and soul while all at the same time waging an internal war. Those that know me well can easily say that I've never been one to keep my mouth shut .... even when I need to , however that brutal honesty is one trait of myself that I feel is great to have ... with me your gonna get the truth whether you like it or not.
So please tell me why is it that I can be brutally honest with everyone else but constantly lie to myself?
For a very long time I have done just that , lied to myself about myself .... the direction my life was going ..... and I'm not sure if it's simple New Years nostalgia but when I awoke this morning I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders , as if I just stepped out of the monochrome world I had built around myself and into the color of reality ... yet as I looked around I realized that I was standing there all alone.
By some way or another it seems that nearly just everyyone I love or care about has either vanished from my life or simply decided that I don't exist. I realize that some of these can't be helped due to the physical distance placed between us ...
A prime example of that being Jason , whom sadly I've not really spoken to in so long that I cannot even tell you when the last time was. However I do not blame Jason , I love him ... he is a brother to me and always shall remain one. I wish him all the best in the future and hope that some day fate finds a way to reunite us.
I come to find that my friend Tom is getting married and after all the years that he chose not to contact me yet now he wishes me to attend his wedding , and you know what .... I'm honored to. Tom has had a really hard few years and I understand all he's gone through and if he has now met a woman whom makes him happy and she has inspired him to extend the hand back to me I gladly reach out and take it .... he's always been one of my best friends.
I started to get reaquanited with Marquis but I feel that I must have said or done something to upset him or make him not trust me ... however I am not mad at him , I love Marquis .... he's a pure soul whom has a way about him to keep a person grounded even if he himself is a boiling kettle of nerves. Hopefully we can find a way to hang out sometime as I would really like to sit around and just talk somewhere , share stories and reminisce about the past.
*takes a deep breath before continuing*
I do not believe ever in my life that there have been two woman that had more of an impact on my life than Berri and Amber .... which now that I think about it for all there differences they share a lot of similarities as well. I have loved them both with all the strength of my heart and been both used and rejected by them both at different times .... It used to cause me such pain and frankly fired a few of the shots in my personal war .... but now I can honestly say that I am over it all ... frankly I realize now that it was never meant to be in either case ....but I'll hold a special place in my heart and a certain amount of love for them both always .... there is no need for anger and hatred .... they cloud the mind , dirty the soul and steal your energy .... I wish them both all the luck and happiness this world can bring to them.
Thomas , Tony and Cheryl ..... I miss you guys so bad. I never realized that I was doing this before but now I see it .... I took our friendship for granted Thomas because it was always there .... regardless of anything you were there ..... but one day something happened and we lost each other .... Regardless of all I will never forget what you've taught me and the wars we fought together side by side in .... Thomas you have a beautiful and loving woman there with you whom has given you the greatest gift of all .... a wonderful child. Please always know how lucky you are and cherish every moment you get with them .... and as for Tony , somehow , someway you just up and vanished .... just know my friend that you will always have a brother in me.
Initially I planned to go in a different direction with this entry but after getting started I let my heart flow out ..... this is not very well written and laden with witty metaphors but is a manifesto of my inner most feelings ....
I'll get back to making dumb ass wise cracks soon I promise ;)
HAPPY 2009 ONE AND ALL!