(no subject)
It's been brought to my attention lately that I have not at all been going out into life trying to find or do those things that either I enjoy or that I would like to experience. This makes for a strange state of affairs. I'm realizing that I've been very much just going through life just on a very monotonous path for a long time. Of course it doesn't help that I've spent so much of my time trying to clean up the wreckage that I create that I really don't know what else to do, but that's another point entirely. What I'm thinking here is that it's really easy to look as if life isn't worth looking forward to when you haven't put any thought into what you might look forward to in the first place. As someone said to me, being "proactive", instead of waiting for life to happen. I think that to a certain degree things are always going to happen unexpectedly, but that's not all there is to it either.
I've only lived life under the assumption that shit's going to happen and it's not going to be good. That's not only self defeating in so many ways, but it's just no damn fun. It doesn't help that the things that I have spent a whole lot of time thinking about trying to do are rather big undertakings, and by themselves they seem overwhelming. I haven't spent much time thinking about the small kinds of things that could really be somewhat simple, but that I would also enjoy, no matter my status in life. Camping, for instance. doesn't require all that much gear (unless you're on the "gotta have all the cool shit' trip), and it's not like trying to plan it for a weekend or a night is some kind of thing that you need a Ph. D. to be able to do. There's lots of simple things that I do like go to the movies, or rent movies and things like that which I enjoy, but there's something to be said for the idea of going and doing something you don't do very regularly and that you enjoy. I don't know what it is that I enjoy really and that's part of the problem, but I have compiled a list of things that I'd like to experience before my time on this weird little planet is up.
I purposely tried not to put anything on that list that had anything to do with owning things. There's a million things that I'd like to own at some point in my life, but I figure that what I own will never be as important to me as what I do. Hopefully, what I own will always only be a means of helping me to do that which I am resonsible to, and that which I enjoy doing. When the ownership of things becomes the ends to the means, then I could see myself being in quite a bit of trouble. I will probably always have my small luxuries that I indulge somewhat, like books, cd's, and dvd's, but once it goes into what I own defining who I am, I'm screwed.
But I was thinking that I've never been to the Grand Canyon, and as cheesey as that may sound, I want to see it. I want to go skydiving, traveling to various places, graduate from college (and hopefully get a Ph. D. someday), fly a plane, go into a volcano, ride in an actual race car, write a book, make a movie, go scuba diving, learn spanish and italian, go deep sea fishing (sober), see a symphony, see an opera, and on and on and on. Right now, many of those things seem impossible to me. But what about getting to a place where they don't seem impossible, but just unlikely? And then getting to a place where some of them seem possible, and then some more. What about getting to a point in my life, and with myself, where every little hicup doesn't seem to put all of it out of reach?
This has all been rolling around in my brain for a week or two, but it was really brought home this afternoon. I had gone with a friend to go have a cup of coffe at one of the local coffeehouses. We sat and talked for a while, having some really good conversation, and a mutual acquaintance showed up. This person has been prone to unruly, aggitated, and near violent outbursts in the past and for a second I thought, "Shit. I really don't want to listen to this craziness right now." But in realizing that the person sitting across the table from me had very recently seen me at one of my worst moments (not angry, but just a blubbering, deeply depressed mess), I thought it best to give this other person a chance. Well, he joined in and the conversation continued nicely.
Then another aquaintance appeared too. He is someone who even more than the first, is a person whose rants, ravings and general anger, I am not really at all intersted in. He wasn't as surprising as the first gentleman. He went on and on about the ways in which half of the world had wronged him, and the other half was trying to wrong him. Now, in his defense, I know that he is dealing with a level of mental illness that I can not imagine. My only feeling is that he knows what he needs to do to get better and he's not doing it. But on he went and it became clear to me that the circumstances in both of our lives were very much the same, except that I have had a little better of an attitude about things.
Self pitying, yes, I have been. Angry, more inwardly than out for sure. Frightened out of my mind, most definitely. The only difference has been that I have not pointed that anger toward the people that have been trying to help me and I have tried to do what I've needed to do to get better. I am observing here, and doing my best to state this without criticism, so forgive me if it comes across that way. Something in my attitude has been just a little different, allowing people to help me, and now working toward taking more steps to getting better each day. In seeing that our life's circumstances were the same, and that our attitudes were different, it dawned on me that my attitudes about a lot of things could probably be a lot better. I think people have tried to explain that to me in the past, but I've just never seen it, or not been able to bring myself there, and could only have gone through the things I have to get to a point where that makes any practical sense to me. If the difference in my attitude toward a situation so similar can make that much difference, where else can it have the same depth of impact?
I've only lived life under the assumption that shit's going to happen and it's not going to be good. That's not only self defeating in so many ways, but it's just no damn fun. It doesn't help that the things that I have spent a whole lot of time thinking about trying to do are rather big undertakings, and by themselves they seem overwhelming. I haven't spent much time thinking about the small kinds of things that could really be somewhat simple, but that I would also enjoy, no matter my status in life. Camping, for instance. doesn't require all that much gear (unless you're on the "gotta have all the cool shit' trip), and it's not like trying to plan it for a weekend or a night is some kind of thing that you need a Ph. D. to be able to do. There's lots of simple things that I do like go to the movies, or rent movies and things like that which I enjoy, but there's something to be said for the idea of going and doing something you don't do very regularly and that you enjoy. I don't know what it is that I enjoy really and that's part of the problem, but I have compiled a list of things that I'd like to experience before my time on this weird little planet is up.
I purposely tried not to put anything on that list that had anything to do with owning things. There's a million things that I'd like to own at some point in my life, but I figure that what I own will never be as important to me as what I do. Hopefully, what I own will always only be a means of helping me to do that which I am resonsible to, and that which I enjoy doing. When the ownership of things becomes the ends to the means, then I could see myself being in quite a bit of trouble. I will probably always have my small luxuries that I indulge somewhat, like books, cd's, and dvd's, but once it goes into what I own defining who I am, I'm screwed.
But I was thinking that I've never been to the Grand Canyon, and as cheesey as that may sound, I want to see it. I want to go skydiving, traveling to various places, graduate from college (and hopefully get a Ph. D. someday), fly a plane, go into a volcano, ride in an actual race car, write a book, make a movie, go scuba diving, learn spanish and italian, go deep sea fishing (sober), see a symphony, see an opera, and on and on and on. Right now, many of those things seem impossible to me. But what about getting to a place where they don't seem impossible, but just unlikely? And then getting to a place where some of them seem possible, and then some more. What about getting to a point in my life, and with myself, where every little hicup doesn't seem to put all of it out of reach?
This has all been rolling around in my brain for a week or two, but it was really brought home this afternoon. I had gone with a friend to go have a cup of coffe at one of the local coffeehouses. We sat and talked for a while, having some really good conversation, and a mutual acquaintance showed up. This person has been prone to unruly, aggitated, and near violent outbursts in the past and for a second I thought, "Shit. I really don't want to listen to this craziness right now." But in realizing that the person sitting across the table from me had very recently seen me at one of my worst moments (not angry, but just a blubbering, deeply depressed mess), I thought it best to give this other person a chance. Well, he joined in and the conversation continued nicely.
Then another aquaintance appeared too. He is someone who even more than the first, is a person whose rants, ravings and general anger, I am not really at all intersted in. He wasn't as surprising as the first gentleman. He went on and on about the ways in which half of the world had wronged him, and the other half was trying to wrong him. Now, in his defense, I know that he is dealing with a level of mental illness that I can not imagine. My only feeling is that he knows what he needs to do to get better and he's not doing it. But on he went and it became clear to me that the circumstances in both of our lives were very much the same, except that I have had a little better of an attitude about things.
Self pitying, yes, I have been. Angry, more inwardly than out for sure. Frightened out of my mind, most definitely. The only difference has been that I have not pointed that anger toward the people that have been trying to help me and I have tried to do what I've needed to do to get better. I am observing here, and doing my best to state this without criticism, so forgive me if it comes across that way. Something in my attitude has been just a little different, allowing people to help me, and now working toward taking more steps to getting better each day. In seeing that our life's circumstances were the same, and that our attitudes were different, it dawned on me that my attitudes about a lot of things could probably be a lot better. I think people have tried to explain that to me in the past, but I've just never seen it, or not been able to bring myself there, and could only have gone through the things I have to get to a point where that makes any practical sense to me. If the difference in my attitude toward a situation so similar can make that much difference, where else can it have the same depth of impact?