(no subject)
What do I say?
I have no idea.
How about this:
I just want to do what I have to do to take care of the shit that's bugging me. Financial stress is a bitch, and though I don't feel it nearly as acutely as I once did, I still feel it, and over the long haul, it's just tiring and annoying more than anything else. I'm tired of bitching about it in my own head, even though I don't really bitch about it to others. I'm shot on this shit, and damned ready for things to change somehow.
Also, I've stumbled across an idea for a story/novel/whatever that I'm intrigued about, interested in. I've also stumbled across some new ideas about stories, storytelling, writing and the rest which I think can be helpful in alleviating or eliminating the larger obstacles I've had for a long time. I want to sit down and write. I have been actually sitting down and writing more than I have in a good while, and not just journaling and ferreting out the things in my own head which cause me trouble, but writing. It feels good. I'm enjoying it. The normal torture session I've gone through for so long when I try to focus on writing something in the creative sense is gone or going away quickly anyway. I'm happy about this. I like this.
Time. Time is the great enemy of all men. I've come to decide this recently. I don't have enough time for everything. I also, coincidentally, don't have enough energy or focus for everything. I'm strapped in that sense right now, very much becoming aware of my limitations.
I'm also thoroughly frustrated with a few things. I'm finding something to be true once again I found to be true as a child, and either wasn't mature enough or was already too angry to be able to see. In the world in which I have spent most of my time for some years now, there is a marked difference between what people say is right and what they do. Mixed with it is a hugely apathetic streak of either narcissism or straight up, no holds barred, no whip cream on top, selfishness. There's lots of talk of what's good and right, and very little done. I'm frustrated with this, quite thoroughly. I, personally, never get so crazy as when I sit and do little or nothing. Unfortunately, in the way things are, it is quite hard to do anything of substance without others joining in. I am a creature of enthusiasm, more so than I've ever realized. The things I like, I like enthusiastically. The things I dislike, I dislike enthusiastically. I like to be able to express that enthusiasm. I like to be able to use it as a lever for progress. It's been one of the best things I've found in the last few years. It may have been essential to saving my life. Now, it's either my enthusiasm or the lack of enthusiasm in others which may be threatening to kill me. I'm not quite sure yet. What I do know is my patience have run to a low they have not been in a long time.
I feel like I've been playing a game by the rules the other players outlined, except I'm just starting to realize they haven't been playing by them at all. I have somehow swallowed whole some rambling madness they swear to be the truth with their lips, but show to not be truthful enough for them to follow.
Am I insane? Yes, this is a question I ask myself often, and in this particular subject and regard, I've begun to wonder. Have I been insane all this time? Have I convinced myself of things which have never been true because I so badly wanted or needed to believe them? I'm not sure at this point.
What I do know is there are going to be some drastic changes coming very, very soon. Some of them may be of a variety I never would have bet my life on. Now though, I just might, because I think, without fully realizing it, I've been betting my life all along.
I don't know whether or not to be afraid of the fact that I am coming once again to the kind of place where I'm willing to lay it all on the line. In the past, this has been a bad thing. But, at the same time, I was laying it all on the line with a very poor bet, for sure. Selling drugs and general thievery and delinquency are poor bets indeed. Now, I'm thinking that betting on that enthusiasm, and not only my own sense of what's right and wrong, but also my own drive to follow it are the only real lights I've got to follow. Everything else is just illusions, essentially.
I know all of this might sound a little on the high minded, philosophical, metaphysical side, and I'm sorry to put you through that if you have read this. Maybe, it won't be this way next time I check in with this blog. Who knows? All I really do know is that things are going to change, very drastically, very soon.
I have no idea.
How about this:
I just want to do what I have to do to take care of the shit that's bugging me. Financial stress is a bitch, and though I don't feel it nearly as acutely as I once did, I still feel it, and over the long haul, it's just tiring and annoying more than anything else. I'm tired of bitching about it in my own head, even though I don't really bitch about it to others. I'm shot on this shit, and damned ready for things to change somehow.
Also, I've stumbled across an idea for a story/novel/whatever that I'm intrigued about, interested in. I've also stumbled across some new ideas about stories, storytelling, writing and the rest which I think can be helpful in alleviating or eliminating the larger obstacles I've had for a long time. I want to sit down and write. I have been actually sitting down and writing more than I have in a good while, and not just journaling and ferreting out the things in my own head which cause me trouble, but writing. It feels good. I'm enjoying it. The normal torture session I've gone through for so long when I try to focus on writing something in the creative sense is gone or going away quickly anyway. I'm happy about this. I like this.
Time. Time is the great enemy of all men. I've come to decide this recently. I don't have enough time for everything. I also, coincidentally, don't have enough energy or focus for everything. I'm strapped in that sense right now, very much becoming aware of my limitations.
I'm also thoroughly frustrated with a few things. I'm finding something to be true once again I found to be true as a child, and either wasn't mature enough or was already too angry to be able to see. In the world in which I have spent most of my time for some years now, there is a marked difference between what people say is right and what they do. Mixed with it is a hugely apathetic streak of either narcissism or straight up, no holds barred, no whip cream on top, selfishness. There's lots of talk of what's good and right, and very little done. I'm frustrated with this, quite thoroughly. I, personally, never get so crazy as when I sit and do little or nothing. Unfortunately, in the way things are, it is quite hard to do anything of substance without others joining in. I am a creature of enthusiasm, more so than I've ever realized. The things I like, I like enthusiastically. The things I dislike, I dislike enthusiastically. I like to be able to express that enthusiasm. I like to be able to use it as a lever for progress. It's been one of the best things I've found in the last few years. It may have been essential to saving my life. Now, it's either my enthusiasm or the lack of enthusiasm in others which may be threatening to kill me. I'm not quite sure yet. What I do know is my patience have run to a low they have not been in a long time.
I feel like I've been playing a game by the rules the other players outlined, except I'm just starting to realize they haven't been playing by them at all. I have somehow swallowed whole some rambling madness they swear to be the truth with their lips, but show to not be truthful enough for them to follow.
Am I insane? Yes, this is a question I ask myself often, and in this particular subject and regard, I've begun to wonder. Have I been insane all this time? Have I convinced myself of things which have never been true because I so badly wanted or needed to believe them? I'm not sure at this point.
What I do know is there are going to be some drastic changes coming very, very soon. Some of them may be of a variety I never would have bet my life on. Now though, I just might, because I think, without fully realizing it, I've been betting my life all along.
I don't know whether or not to be afraid of the fact that I am coming once again to the kind of place where I'm willing to lay it all on the line. In the past, this has been a bad thing. But, at the same time, I was laying it all on the line with a very poor bet, for sure. Selling drugs and general thievery and delinquency are poor bets indeed. Now, I'm thinking that betting on that enthusiasm, and not only my own sense of what's right and wrong, but also my own drive to follow it are the only real lights I've got to follow. Everything else is just illusions, essentially.
I know all of this might sound a little on the high minded, philosophical, metaphysical side, and I'm sorry to put you through that if you have read this. Maybe, it won't be this way next time I check in with this blog. Who knows? All I really do know is that things are going to change, very drastically, very soon.