(no subject)
Here it is. I'm an ego maniac with an insecurity problem, I certainly am. I had a good weekend, and a good date on Saturday. We went down to Byrd Park and walked around the whole park for a few good hours. It was nice. I was given some interesting revelations which took me a minute or two to find a place for in my head, but place found, all good. I had a good day, it was nice being with her, the time went too fast though. I feel like a rock star when she smiles at me. It's like confidence and humility in the same second, because it's me she's smiling at, but without her smiling, the feeling wouldn't have come across anyway. I say like a rock star because it feels like a crowd of people cheering for me, but knowing I wouldn't be there without people who liked what I was doing. Weird, I know, but it's the only way I can explain it.
There are some striking similarities in our pasts, which is interesting to me, because most of the people I've known who've had these same experiences have grabbed on to some kind of strange, almost noncomformist ethos which really doesn't make sense because it's just conforming to what people see as nonconformist. You know what I mean, you've seen it, the people who have just jumped into something which is commonly accepted as the accepted form of being different. She hasn't done that though, much like me, she somehow has navigated the idea that the only true nonconformity is to be standing in the middle, able to travel through any circle she wants, but to still be able to stand back, and be an individual, with her own set of ethics, morals, and values, which make sense to her as an individual, not which make sense to her as opposite of conformity, or within some group she's assigned herself to. Interesting considering I was writing about that recently. In some ways, we did internalize some of those same experiences differently. I fought some things pretty hard which she didn't. Then again, I was always given fighting a battle if there was one. Also interesting because it's one of those things where I have to put my money where my mouth is, and make my decisions based on someone's character, not what I percieve of them from the outside.
Some of my own insecurities and stuff came up to the surface too. There's been this kind of "why me?" feeling. I just realized I've spent so much of my life presenting myself, that when considering how other people recieve me, I'm not seeing the fact that I don't present myself that way anymore. I'm pretty good at just being me at this point with no facades or any of that bullshit. I came to the realization that probably what people are attracted to is exactly that, the fact that I'm not acting like I'm something or someone I'm not. I don't just mean women either, but probably in the guys I work with and other people in my life too. It's not really anything so much about me, just the fact that I'm comfortable without presenting a facade, comfortable just being me, warts, defects, shortcomings and all.
It's coming for me more easily now, I think because I've pretty much completely realized that I'm absolutely no different than anyone else. I'm no more screwed up than anyone else, no more well adjusted than anyone else, no better, no worse, just exactly the same. Maybe some of my assets and shortcomings are a little different in their compliation than some other folks, but we've all got the same shit going on, no matter how you cut it. In that light, I don't feel like I have anything to hide. If anything it's kind of a responsibility to just be me, to let it all hang out and see how it plays. It's the only way I know that people get close to each other, and given my last year, it's really for me all about how I let people into my life. Recently, I've been trying to do a little better job and be more aware of letting people in, taking a little more risk than I would have in the past.
Funny enough, my own insecurities aren't something I really can hide anyway, even though I used to try so hard. They come out in my actions and my behavior pretty much no matter what, so I might as well just acknowledge them and be comfortable that they're going to be out there, no matter what I do. In that way, at least the fear of them isn't not running my life anymore. I'm sure, actually, she picked up on some of it, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I guess I caused no more trouble than in the name of trying to project some perfect image in my past relationships. She's been honest with me (as far as I know lol) and I can only do the same in return. It's not a big rushing, "this is me and my life story" kind of thing either. It's been slow in getting to know each other so far, and that's probably good. I need a slow start on things probably, I've got some things I just don't know her well enough to dump out there on the floor at this point. I have no fear or regret about my past at this point, but I'm not going to lead with the chin either, I've made that mistake in the past. I guess I think that was a function of trying to impress people with how far I've come. I don't give two dried up turds about how people feel about how far or not I've come. That's between me and my god. I'm probably about as appropriately unhappy about some of the things I've done as I've ever been, they don't own me, but I don't use them to get attention or to push people away either, and I'm capable of doing both.
In the long run, all I know at this moment is that I really like this girl very much. I'm hopeful about things, much because of how much we have in common. It lends itself to giving us room to be able to relate to each other a lot and lends itself to things like respect and compromise (the two things being very much interconnected). I can definitely say that as I get to know her the more respect I have for her. Really, I think that's the most important thing for me to want to continue to get to know more about anyone, actively anyway. In people I don't respect, I may want to know more about them and why I don't respect them, but it's always more passive, watching instead of really interacting with them. With Jessica, I look forward to our continued interactions.