Great Mysteries and Hopefull Solutions
Well, it's over, officially. My girlfriend and I broke up last night.
It's better than I envisioned it though. I'm not coming apart at the seams, not emotionally distraught. Don't get me wrong, I'm a little sad, but I think I'm more sad because I know this is going to be hard for her right now. It's not that I don't care about her or love her even, just that it's not the right time now. A friend of mine said that maybe I'm just not in the space where I can have that serious of a relationship right now, and I can buy that. I've got a lot going on and so does she, so for right now, it's for the best. She's a good woman though, and weirdly enough, I'm not angry with her at this point. I don't know how that happened, in the past week I was kind of pissed off (see some previous posts), but I think the relief of not having to defend myself or my choices, combined with not feeling any pressure to be responsible for thinking about someone else in that capacity has relieved whatever it was I was really angry about. I can actually say for the first time though that I hope we do remain friends, because I do have a lot of respect for her, and as I said, I do love and care about her, though I don't know that I'm in love with her. I'm just happy it worked out as it has though because we really were good about it and we talked for a while, and actually talked, didn't like throw things or scream, no begging on anyone's part (I've been begged once and begged once, and neither is pretty), and I actually do think she really knows I care about her and I'm not making up some excuses, but that I really don't have anymore I can give right now than what I have and have been giving. I'm actually kind of happy for both of us that it's gone down as well as it has, proud of both of us really. I didn't sleep so hot last night at all, but with me, like another friend of mine, the sleep is the first thing to get disturbed when I'm going through something stressfull. The weird thing is though that in the past I've had a terrible time when my sleep has been screwed up because I sit in bed or walk around or whatever and I just get kind of nuts because I can't sleep and I'm obsessed with the fact that I can't sleep. Today though, it was kind of just like, "Ok, well you know what this is about. It'll probably last a couple of days at most and then you'll be fine." I haven't been freaking out all night and I think because of that, I'm not quite as tired as I usually am after a sleepless night because I end up wasting energy getting all anxious about it. So, once again, all in all, the situation has been resolved with more grace and dignity than I could probably muster on my own.
I didn't get into the whole, "this is why I'm unhappy" kind of thing either, because I really, honestly felt it wouldn't do her any good at this point. She's really big on beating up on herself, and that's just not the point. Really, this relationship is ending because both of us want to see the other be as happy as they can be and it's not in this relationship right now. If for nothing else, she'll always mean something to me because of this, because it's ended with grace and dignity. And because it's sure proof that just because a relationship isn't working out doesn't mean the parties involved are terrible people. We went through a lot together in the short time the relationship lasted, and that too means something to me, and she will always mean something to me because of that. Thank God I'm over being angry about all of this because it's so much nicer when I'm not angry. I guess really the thing is I'll always want her to be happy and to have all that life has to offer her. These days, no matter how angry I get, that doesn't change. I can get angry with someone and not wish them harm, and that's a cool thing because it wasn't always like that either.
I guess the thing now is what can I learn from it and do better the next time? One thing is immediately apparent, don't get involved with someone who I think I will be waiting to see change in some way or another. Part of the way I've come to live my life is to think that people will change, and that's a good thing, much better than the philosophy I had before in which people didn't change, and were therefore liable to be written off by me at any moment. On the other hand though, although I am now looking at people as being in a state of constant change, I should probably look for certain things which have already come to them. For me, and probably for me to ever be happy with someone, a certain amount of spiritual foundation is something I should most definitely look for. If it's not there yet, I can't guarantee I'm going to be able to wait for it to form without getting angry and impatient. I don't know that is necessarily a good thing on my part, but if I'm honest with myself, that's a lot of what the problem for me was in the relationship. My spiritual foundation has afforded me a certain amount of emotional stability I didn't have before, a huge amount really. I don't know if it's right or wrong for me to try and judge that in other people though. It seems kind of arrogant, but I know I have very little clue as to what arrogant is and is not. I know I'm often being arrogant when I think I'm not and I seem to not be being arrogant when I think I am, sometimes, just sometimes though. I guess that's where other people come into my life though because I have to check that kind of thing with someone else because one thing I'm learning from all of this is that my ability for self appraisal isn't where I'd like it to be or even where I've been thinking it might be. There's still different nooks and crannies where selfishness hides and I don't always see it.
It's been a tumultuous few months for me. In thinking back, I'm shocked that I'm still with it to any degree, and in thinking about it, I'm grateful. I just wonder though if I'm doing as well as I feel like I am. I certainly have some very big chunks of truth to swallow about myself, and I guess the thing is, I'm getting used to that. I read this thing in "The Spirituality of Imperfection," and it was actually an excerpt from the book "Lonesome Dove" by Larry McMurtry (?). These two cowboys are sitting there talking and one is commenting on how the other just hates like hell to be wrong at all. He says something along the lines of he likes to be wrong at least once a day. When the other asks why the hell he'd want to be wrong at least once a day, he responds saying "that way being wrong doesn't hurt much more than a cold shave. It's easier to take," and I'm starting to understand that more and more. If I'm just up front about when I'm wrong all the time, it's not so hard to get used to, but if I'm never wrong, then those rare times I am are just a bitch to swallow. I have just never been one to like admitting I am wrong, no matter what the circumstances. Hand in the cookie jar and all, it's just not something I've aquired much pratice with and it's probably about time I start to. There's a lot of humility in being able to admit when you're wrong, no matter what, and as it was explained to me and something else I'm coming to understand more and more is that the more humility I have, the less painful life is. I'm not big on pain, probably never have been though you'd never tell by the way I lived for the first twenty-six years. If humility is the way to lessen it, that's just fine with me at this point, because at the same time, humility might be kind of tough to come by and tough to hold onto, but humiliations a whole lot worse and these days I know they're not the same thing.
Kindness requires a lot of humility, and really I'd like to become the kindest person I can become, I've seen how much strength there is in kindness, even before AA. My great grandmother used to say that true strength need not be anything but kind. I understood her on an intelectual level, but it's sinking in deeper and deeper as time goes on. Besides which, something I may have gotten a little bit away from here lately is the idea which helped me get sober. I've just been wanting to be the kind of person she was trying to show me how to be through her example, and the example of some others, even outside AA (don't tell the AA nazi's I'm identifying with earth people). It used to be something which seemed so far beyond my reach though, and I think now the difference is that because of what my experience has already shown me is possible, very little in the way of kindness, tolerance and love seem beyond my reach. I just have to do my best to remember that, ask for it in my prayers to Whatever It Is Out There, and be really willing to let go of the way I am used to dealing with things and use what It has to offer me.
It's better than I envisioned it though. I'm not coming apart at the seams, not emotionally distraught. Don't get me wrong, I'm a little sad, but I think I'm more sad because I know this is going to be hard for her right now. It's not that I don't care about her or love her even, just that it's not the right time now. A friend of mine said that maybe I'm just not in the space where I can have that serious of a relationship right now, and I can buy that. I've got a lot going on and so does she, so for right now, it's for the best. She's a good woman though, and weirdly enough, I'm not angry with her at this point. I don't know how that happened, in the past week I was kind of pissed off (see some previous posts), but I think the relief of not having to defend myself or my choices, combined with not feeling any pressure to be responsible for thinking about someone else in that capacity has relieved whatever it was I was really angry about. I can actually say for the first time though that I hope we do remain friends, because I do have a lot of respect for her, and as I said, I do love and care about her, though I don't know that I'm in love with her. I'm just happy it worked out as it has though because we really were good about it and we talked for a while, and actually talked, didn't like throw things or scream, no begging on anyone's part (I've been begged once and begged once, and neither is pretty), and I actually do think she really knows I care about her and I'm not making up some excuses, but that I really don't have anymore I can give right now than what I have and have been giving. I'm actually kind of happy for both of us that it's gone down as well as it has, proud of both of us really. I didn't sleep so hot last night at all, but with me, like another friend of mine, the sleep is the first thing to get disturbed when I'm going through something stressfull. The weird thing is though that in the past I've had a terrible time when my sleep has been screwed up because I sit in bed or walk around or whatever and I just get kind of nuts because I can't sleep and I'm obsessed with the fact that I can't sleep. Today though, it was kind of just like, "Ok, well you know what this is about. It'll probably last a couple of days at most and then you'll be fine." I haven't been freaking out all night and I think because of that, I'm not quite as tired as I usually am after a sleepless night because I end up wasting energy getting all anxious about it. So, once again, all in all, the situation has been resolved with more grace and dignity than I could probably muster on my own.
I didn't get into the whole, "this is why I'm unhappy" kind of thing either, because I really, honestly felt it wouldn't do her any good at this point. She's really big on beating up on herself, and that's just not the point. Really, this relationship is ending because both of us want to see the other be as happy as they can be and it's not in this relationship right now. If for nothing else, she'll always mean something to me because of this, because it's ended with grace and dignity. And because it's sure proof that just because a relationship isn't working out doesn't mean the parties involved are terrible people. We went through a lot together in the short time the relationship lasted, and that too means something to me, and she will always mean something to me because of that. Thank God I'm over being angry about all of this because it's so much nicer when I'm not angry. I guess really the thing is I'll always want her to be happy and to have all that life has to offer her. These days, no matter how angry I get, that doesn't change. I can get angry with someone and not wish them harm, and that's a cool thing because it wasn't always like that either.
I guess the thing now is what can I learn from it and do better the next time? One thing is immediately apparent, don't get involved with someone who I think I will be waiting to see change in some way or another. Part of the way I've come to live my life is to think that people will change, and that's a good thing, much better than the philosophy I had before in which people didn't change, and were therefore liable to be written off by me at any moment. On the other hand though, although I am now looking at people as being in a state of constant change, I should probably look for certain things which have already come to them. For me, and probably for me to ever be happy with someone, a certain amount of spiritual foundation is something I should most definitely look for. If it's not there yet, I can't guarantee I'm going to be able to wait for it to form without getting angry and impatient. I don't know that is necessarily a good thing on my part, but if I'm honest with myself, that's a lot of what the problem for me was in the relationship. My spiritual foundation has afforded me a certain amount of emotional stability I didn't have before, a huge amount really. I don't know if it's right or wrong for me to try and judge that in other people though. It seems kind of arrogant, but I know I have very little clue as to what arrogant is and is not. I know I'm often being arrogant when I think I'm not and I seem to not be being arrogant when I think I am, sometimes, just sometimes though. I guess that's where other people come into my life though because I have to check that kind of thing with someone else because one thing I'm learning from all of this is that my ability for self appraisal isn't where I'd like it to be or even where I've been thinking it might be. There's still different nooks and crannies where selfishness hides and I don't always see it.
It's been a tumultuous few months for me. In thinking back, I'm shocked that I'm still with it to any degree, and in thinking about it, I'm grateful. I just wonder though if I'm doing as well as I feel like I am. I certainly have some very big chunks of truth to swallow about myself, and I guess the thing is, I'm getting used to that. I read this thing in "The Spirituality of Imperfection," and it was actually an excerpt from the book "Lonesome Dove" by Larry McMurtry (?). These two cowboys are sitting there talking and one is commenting on how the other just hates like hell to be wrong at all. He says something along the lines of he likes to be wrong at least once a day. When the other asks why the hell he'd want to be wrong at least once a day, he responds saying "that way being wrong doesn't hurt much more than a cold shave. It's easier to take," and I'm starting to understand that more and more. If I'm just up front about when I'm wrong all the time, it's not so hard to get used to, but if I'm never wrong, then those rare times I am are just a bitch to swallow. I have just never been one to like admitting I am wrong, no matter what the circumstances. Hand in the cookie jar and all, it's just not something I've aquired much pratice with and it's probably about time I start to. There's a lot of humility in being able to admit when you're wrong, no matter what, and as it was explained to me and something else I'm coming to understand more and more is that the more humility I have, the less painful life is. I'm not big on pain, probably never have been though you'd never tell by the way I lived for the first twenty-six years. If humility is the way to lessen it, that's just fine with me at this point, because at the same time, humility might be kind of tough to come by and tough to hold onto, but humiliations a whole lot worse and these days I know they're not the same thing.
Kindness requires a lot of humility, and really I'd like to become the kindest person I can become, I've seen how much strength there is in kindness, even before AA. My great grandmother used to say that true strength need not be anything but kind. I understood her on an intelectual level, but it's sinking in deeper and deeper as time goes on. Besides which, something I may have gotten a little bit away from here lately is the idea which helped me get sober. I've just been wanting to be the kind of person she was trying to show me how to be through her example, and the example of some others, even outside AA (don't tell the AA nazi's I'm identifying with earth people). It used to be something which seemed so far beyond my reach though, and I think now the difference is that because of what my experience has already shown me is possible, very little in the way of kindness, tolerance and love seem beyond my reach. I just have to do my best to remember that, ask for it in my prayers to Whatever It Is Out There, and be really willing to let go of the way I am used to dealing with things and use what It has to offer me.