Life Anew
So, I've been deliquent on my live journal posts. Not that any of you really give a good god damn about whether or not I post my babble here, but it's been a while.
Things have once again changed. Bob Dylan, of course, wrote the timeless classic "Times, They are a Changin'", but he also wrote a song for the soundtrack to The Wonder Boys called, appropriately, "Things Have Changed." And much like the first song, there was a good amount of time in my life when I was yearning for a change in things. Unlike the second song though, I'm not lamenting these changes not being what I want them to be. I've found a good number of these changes have come around without me realizing it. It's not that the changes are all in my life, some are, but it seems a good number of them have been in me, which I don't realize until something comes along and I act differently in the situation than I would have. It's always quite interesting to walk away from a situation and then realize afterwards, "hey, what just happened there? That was different." It's been on my mind because it's happened a few times lately. I don't know exactly how to say it other than, in my belief I am once again being changed by my HP. It's always both humbling and gratitude inducing when this happens because first off, these are things about myself which I don't think I could have changed by my unaided will. So, it's had to have been something outside of myself, and that's why it's so gratitude inducing.
I had an experience recently which highlights this very well. I was at a concert with a friend, Nine Inch Nails actually (and yes, it was fucking awesome), and we ran into a guy who's hmmm, well I don't know if I'd say he's in the program, but he's at least been around it for a good many years, apparently he's been in the revolving door for ten years or so. To make a long story short, this guy is a sick pup, and because he's angry with my girlfriend (who's also in the program) for telling one of her sponsees to stay away from him, he's was threatening me with a fight. Now, I have no compunction about opening my mouth when it comes to predators in AA. Let's all just face facts, some of us aren't really interested in a spiritual program of action, we're interested in a sexual program of action or some are interested in a social program of action, and I'm not one to beat around the bush when it comes to this stuff. I've often talked about the difference when telling my story or sharing on some "problem" someone's introduced as a topic. But at the same time, I do so with as much tolerance and kindness as I can. "Honesty without compassion is brutality," as my sponsor regularly says. I'm not one to sit back and watch some mumb nuts chase a bunch of young women out of my homegroup and back into the abyss of alcoholism because he can't control his libido. Call it an outside issue, call it none of my business, call it what you want, I call it apathy, and it needs to stop. So, I'll get off of my soapbox now and get back to what I was saying.
Let me give you a little background information here though. My story has a good deal of violence, and it's not something I focus on at all when sharing it because I'm not trying to be some kind of Billy Bad Ass or impress people with just how sick I was. We were all sick, and it's no badge of honor to have so often taken a sick pleasure in hurting people. The thing was though that at one point, the violence got bad. I'd had a long nursed grudge against someone and ran into them one night after a good long day of binge drinking and sniffing coke like it was a damn rose. I left the guy with severe brain damage, short term memory problems and blind in one eye. Now, to be fair, I was sick, but even in sobriety a good number of people whom I've spoken to have commented that this guy got what he deserved, my grudge having come from some really heinous actions on his part, but none of that made me feel any better. It's been the one thing from the first time through the Steps which hasn't been resolved, simply because he won't know what I'm making amends to him for in the first place, might not understand the point I'm trying to get at, and his family who've been taking care of him don't really need all of this brought back up. I spent really the first two and a half years of my sobriety fighting with this thing trying to find out what kind of amends I could make, if any and whether or not this was a case of "injure them or others", because no one seemed to be able to tell me for sure and prayer and meditation weren't bringing me any answers either. I came away from having done that though, from having injured another human being like that, terribly afraid of myself and my reaction to both anger and violence.
That fear, of what might be lurking behind my conscious mind, has been there all through my sobriety, through my life really since this incident first took place. It's one of those things which just kind of hangs out back there, and when you here someone say something like, "I want to beat so and so's skull in," the only thing I can ever think is, "becareful what you wish for." I haven't been comfortable with confrontation, haven't allowed myself to show anger since I've been sober, really just because of this and because I've been afraid of what I might be capable of, and that's it.
But at the concert, with this numb skul standing in front of me, threatening me with a physical confrontation, the only thing I was worried about was that I wasn't sure how to navigate the situation without acting contrary to the principles I've come to live by and believe in so deeply, the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was more afraid of acting in a manner not in accodance with the spiritual solution that I've been given than I was anything else. Fighting with this guy was never for one second a viable option. Not during the whole thing, with him yelling and screaming and acting all crazy ass did I think that a fight, won or lost by me, would be the answer to the problem, I wasn't even afraid for my own safety. I was afraid of not acting like in a way that would do justice to what the members of AA taught me. Now realize, I'm not at all looking for a pat on the back here. To have not gotten into a fist fight with a crazy person is something adults do all the time. What I'm saying here is that I was changed somehow, before I realized it because this is not how I have ever reacted in a situation like this. I was still courteous, not a doormat, but just said, "ok, ok, ok, ok, ok," and when he got to finally saying, "do you have anything to say to me?" My reply was, "I hope you enjoy the concert." This is not the person I've known myself to be for the entirety of my life. I don't do things like that. At the very least, I have to be all snide and sarcastic and make things worse. I don't just let things like this go, not of my own will and power. The thing that is so incredible about this for me is that it's actual experiential proof, that I am no longer a violent person.
You know how we all think and say shit like, "I wanted to smack him in the head" or whatever, well since the concert, if that kind of shit comes through my head, the first thing I think is "That's not who you are anymore" and the second thing I think is, "You couldn't even if you wanted to." And that's not me. It's just yet another example that there is some Power greater than myself which is interested in me and my well being and is changing me as it sees fit. I can't tell you what kind of relief it is to know that I don't have to be afraid of what kind of violent urges might be hiding in the back of my mind waiting to jump out at the first opportunity because I haven't had an opportunity for a fight as good as that one was since I've been sober. The guy was a bit bigger than me and everything, just like I used to look for to get into fights with. I have been changed, and to realize that is such an incredible feeling. The longer I keep doing these things and trying as falteringly as I might to live a spiritual life based on the principles and actions outlined by Alcoholics Anonymous, the more freedom I get from myself, my fears and my character defects.
There's some more too, but I've got to jet, so I'll post about it later. Thanks to all of those who were carrying the water and chopping the wood of AA for sixtyj-nine years before I got my chance. Without all of you having done so, not only would I probably not have gotten sober, but even if I had, I know I never would have found the freedom I have, nor been able to become the happy and usefully whole person I am.
Things have once again changed. Bob Dylan, of course, wrote the timeless classic "Times, They are a Changin'", but he also wrote a song for the soundtrack to The Wonder Boys called, appropriately, "Things Have Changed." And much like the first song, there was a good amount of time in my life when I was yearning for a change in things. Unlike the second song though, I'm not lamenting these changes not being what I want them to be. I've found a good number of these changes have come around without me realizing it. It's not that the changes are all in my life, some are, but it seems a good number of them have been in me, which I don't realize until something comes along and I act differently in the situation than I would have. It's always quite interesting to walk away from a situation and then realize afterwards, "hey, what just happened there? That was different." It's been on my mind because it's happened a few times lately. I don't know exactly how to say it other than, in my belief I am once again being changed by my HP. It's always both humbling and gratitude inducing when this happens because first off, these are things about myself which I don't think I could have changed by my unaided will. So, it's had to have been something outside of myself, and that's why it's so gratitude inducing.
I had an experience recently which highlights this very well. I was at a concert with a friend, Nine Inch Nails actually (and yes, it was fucking awesome), and we ran into a guy who's hmmm, well I don't know if I'd say he's in the program, but he's at least been around it for a good many years, apparently he's been in the revolving door for ten years or so. To make a long story short, this guy is a sick pup, and because he's angry with my girlfriend (who's also in the program) for telling one of her sponsees to stay away from him, he's was threatening me with a fight. Now, I have no compunction about opening my mouth when it comes to predators in AA. Let's all just face facts, some of us aren't really interested in a spiritual program of action, we're interested in a sexual program of action or some are interested in a social program of action, and I'm not one to beat around the bush when it comes to this stuff. I've often talked about the difference when telling my story or sharing on some "problem" someone's introduced as a topic. But at the same time, I do so with as much tolerance and kindness as I can. "Honesty without compassion is brutality," as my sponsor regularly says. I'm not one to sit back and watch some mumb nuts chase a bunch of young women out of my homegroup and back into the abyss of alcoholism because he can't control his libido. Call it an outside issue, call it none of my business, call it what you want, I call it apathy, and it needs to stop. So, I'll get off of my soapbox now and get back to what I was saying.
Let me give you a little background information here though. My story has a good deal of violence, and it's not something I focus on at all when sharing it because I'm not trying to be some kind of Billy Bad Ass or impress people with just how sick I was. We were all sick, and it's no badge of honor to have so often taken a sick pleasure in hurting people. The thing was though that at one point, the violence got bad. I'd had a long nursed grudge against someone and ran into them one night after a good long day of binge drinking and sniffing coke like it was a damn rose. I left the guy with severe brain damage, short term memory problems and blind in one eye. Now, to be fair, I was sick, but even in sobriety a good number of people whom I've spoken to have commented that this guy got what he deserved, my grudge having come from some really heinous actions on his part, but none of that made me feel any better. It's been the one thing from the first time through the Steps which hasn't been resolved, simply because he won't know what I'm making amends to him for in the first place, might not understand the point I'm trying to get at, and his family who've been taking care of him don't really need all of this brought back up. I spent really the first two and a half years of my sobriety fighting with this thing trying to find out what kind of amends I could make, if any and whether or not this was a case of "injure them or others", because no one seemed to be able to tell me for sure and prayer and meditation weren't bringing me any answers either. I came away from having done that though, from having injured another human being like that, terribly afraid of myself and my reaction to both anger and violence.
That fear, of what might be lurking behind my conscious mind, has been there all through my sobriety, through my life really since this incident first took place. It's one of those things which just kind of hangs out back there, and when you here someone say something like, "I want to beat so and so's skull in," the only thing I can ever think is, "becareful what you wish for." I haven't been comfortable with confrontation, haven't allowed myself to show anger since I've been sober, really just because of this and because I've been afraid of what I might be capable of, and that's it.
But at the concert, with this numb skul standing in front of me, threatening me with a physical confrontation, the only thing I was worried about was that I wasn't sure how to navigate the situation without acting contrary to the principles I've come to live by and believe in so deeply, the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was more afraid of acting in a manner not in accodance with the spiritual solution that I've been given than I was anything else. Fighting with this guy was never for one second a viable option. Not during the whole thing, with him yelling and screaming and acting all crazy ass did I think that a fight, won or lost by me, would be the answer to the problem, I wasn't even afraid for my own safety. I was afraid of not acting like in a way that would do justice to what the members of AA taught me. Now realize, I'm not at all looking for a pat on the back here. To have not gotten into a fist fight with a crazy person is something adults do all the time. What I'm saying here is that I was changed somehow, before I realized it because this is not how I have ever reacted in a situation like this. I was still courteous, not a doormat, but just said, "ok, ok, ok, ok, ok," and when he got to finally saying, "do you have anything to say to me?" My reply was, "I hope you enjoy the concert." This is not the person I've known myself to be for the entirety of my life. I don't do things like that. At the very least, I have to be all snide and sarcastic and make things worse. I don't just let things like this go, not of my own will and power. The thing that is so incredible about this for me is that it's actual experiential proof, that I am no longer a violent person.
You know how we all think and say shit like, "I wanted to smack him in the head" or whatever, well since the concert, if that kind of shit comes through my head, the first thing I think is "That's not who you are anymore" and the second thing I think is, "You couldn't even if you wanted to." And that's not me. It's just yet another example that there is some Power greater than myself which is interested in me and my well being and is changing me as it sees fit. I can't tell you what kind of relief it is to know that I don't have to be afraid of what kind of violent urges might be hiding in the back of my mind waiting to jump out at the first opportunity because I haven't had an opportunity for a fight as good as that one was since I've been sober. The guy was a bit bigger than me and everything, just like I used to look for to get into fights with. I have been changed, and to realize that is such an incredible feeling. The longer I keep doing these things and trying as falteringly as I might to live a spiritual life based on the principles and actions outlined by Alcoholics Anonymous, the more freedom I get from myself, my fears and my character defects.
There's some more too, but I've got to jet, so I'll post about it later. Thanks to all of those who were carrying the water and chopping the wood of AA for sixtyj-nine years before I got my chance. Without all of you having done so, not only would I probably not have gotten sober, but even if I had, I know I never would have found the freedom I have, nor been able to become the happy and usefully whole person I am.