The Villain
I thought I'd found a near unshakable way to find my way to the will of the God of my understanding. Again though, I find my hubris to have been astounding as I look at it from the perspective of hindsight. I do believe I have picked up a key of some kind, the belief that God's will is found more through an attitude than anything else, but it's insufficient I see, and though I knew there would always be more to learn, I find myself now at a kind of crossroads I'd thought I'd left behind some time ago. It is a fundamental question of my own conception of right, wrong, my understanding of my God, a kind of question I would not have wished to have to answer. I would have been much more content to have to answer those lofty questions of what it is which ills our society, even the world, and what are the solutions. I would have thought there was no more noble a cause to devote myself, my thought and time to. Now I see the immaturity of this way of thinking. I see the truth in my arrogance, and the questions left by those answers are astonishingly hard to answer.
I deal now with something which begs the question as to whether or not I am even a man. The truth is exposed then, that I am still but a child, lost in the way of the world around me, clutching to the robe of a God I don't very well understand. I have been shown new things in my search for Him, have been changed, but I have some how still fallen short. Some would say the falling short is important because it is what keeps us striving, and to a degree, I believe that. To another, I'd ask them to stand in my shoes and accept their shortcomings for these kinds of consequences and how gravely they will affect others. I thought I'd found a truer humility, and that thought within itself was only a deception of myself. "To thine own self be true," is a thing I've come to find a deeper meaning in these last few months, and now, I find I don't know what it is to be true to myself in some things, nor do I know what it is to be true to the God I find myself so grateful to.
No matter the direction I turn, the possibility I envision, I see selfishness looming large, and know well it's pains and it's destructive results. It's a feeling of being in a more impossible place than I should ever have found myself, and is as much a result of my own selfishness as anything else I'm sure. What is to be done when your God gives you no answer, no direction at all, with a thing you know to be hefty enough to weigh in the path of your entire life, maybe the lives of others? I feel as if when I need guidance most, I've not been given any. It would be a foolish God to trust me so blindly, and am I a foolish man to have trusted God so blindly up to now?
I am being shaken now as I thought would no longer be possible because of this faith I've found. My entire foundation is rumbling now as I ask myself what it is I really have to give? What is it I can really be an example of? If I have no God, what is it I have been trying to give all this time? Am I a fool for having throwm myself so blindly into all of this? Am I a fool for doubting, for questioning? Again, I am a fool no matter the landing of the coin. This is something I'd thought I'd gotten enough used to as to not have it shake me so strongly. But I am shaken, thoroughly. Frightened to my core, not because I do not trust my God, but because I can not find my way to what my God would have me be, what It would have me do. I am not in the guessing veign on this subject. I am then once again, lost and afloat without an idea as to what life is all about. I feel as if I have somehow failed. It's a feeling as if I missed something vital which would have prepared me mroe thoroughly for this time, and because I've missed it, I can not see it. It's a feeling I somehow failed at something which would have prepared me for all of this, and I missed it or disregarded it as unimportant. I somehow stepped too far from the beam, lost my way on the path, so far I didn't know it any longer because I couldn't even see the path. How do you miss something you never had? How do you lose something you were never given or didn't posess? I don't know the how or why of it, but I know now that you can. Because whatever it was, I miss it now, and am forced into an impossible position with impossible decisions I truly feel I am in no way qualified to make.
It is in the selfishness all of this comes. I have known my purpose now for some time and chosen to ignore some part of it. Had I not, I would have been elsewhere in my journey. But willfulness and pride have led me again to a place where I have placed myself before my God and have made myself unreachable by doing so. Some of you may read this and think it to be ramblings of a man going mad, you may be right, and if you are or if you are not, fuck off all the same. I've tried everything else I can summon to tap into what ever it is I'm missing, and here I am. I've no sage wisdom here to share, no experience to proffer, no strength to keep me still, and hope only I can be through all of this with the least damage to all others. This is me as I am, weakness, fear and all. It is me as I am with myself right now, and there seems to have been some denial of who was here with myself for a while now. All doubt has been removed. Yet I can not believe my God would put all of this in front of me as some kind of lesson in humility, only a petulant angry child would do this. Maybe that's the point, I'm a petulant angry child, who has no place to judge, no place to tell anyone theirs. Fuck all, why am I bothering lookng for rhyme and reason to any of this anyway? History is what gives life context, and this moment, these days are not yet history at all, they are very present, very real and not yet had the time to spread some positive sheen on them because the outcome is still so black, not mention bleak from where I stand. It's just to be the court jester in that lofty Kingdom Come then? I would be a villain all the same for what I would do on either side. A villain to myself at least, no matter the decision made or direction turned.