Having had a spiritual awakening..........
An arrogant bastard I can sure be. If you're not clear on my reason for anouncing this, see my previous post. I've now found myself guilty of one of the things I most disgust in the world of recovery and that people who populate the communities making up that world, spiritual arrogance! Now yes, considering the fact that I've not found it necessary to take a drink in the amount of time I've been sober, the things that have changed about the way I see the world and the change that has come in the way I communicate with and trust in a Higher Power, I believe I've had the kind of spiritual awakening talked about in Step 12. However, said awakening not only gives me no right what so ever to make judgements about what others are doing, it actually puts any more spiritual growth in the deep freeze, slowing it to a crawl or stopping it altogether.
Fear, it seems, that evil and corroding thread that has been woven through so much of my life, is once again tightening around my skinny neck. I've been living in the wreckage of the future when it comes to my homegroup, instead of living in the moment and trusting that my Higher Power will show me what the right thing to do is in the moment I face the situation. I've been looking at what's going on and my fear of future possibilities has been ruling my perspective. Experience has taught me that my perspective has one crucial piece missing, God's will, and that intuition that's talked about in the ninth step promises. Yes, the whole situation baffles me right now, and I don't know what to do with any of it, but this isn't the first time I've felt this way about something in my recovery. What I've done before is rush forward and try to make everything fit into what I think is right or gotten myself so wound up fear has stifled me into inaction. These approaches have had varying degrees of success. Within the past few months though, I've found myself able to look at the situations in my own life and pick a general direction, without being obsessive about it's results, and trust that in the moment I face things, God will give me the hint of intuition or some sign of what is It's will for me. Now it's time for me to practice with my homegroup, taking what I've learned from doing it in my personal life and applying it there.
I've been looking at this whole situation in not only black and white, but also in the purely worldly sense and leaving out the spiritual truth and possibilities I've seen come to fruition so many times in the short period I've been sober. I'm overlooking the fact that it's been the addition of a spiritual openness that's made me feel whole. If I'm open to the spiritual possibilities that may come down the road in my homegroup and God's influence in those events, all will be well. Very simply, it's come back to the ever recurring that the only way to find a Power greater than myself in any of the situations in my life, is to look for it. If I begin to look for it, I've let go of my idea of what things should be and become open to the possibilities It may have in store, no matter what they are. I may not always like them at first, but I have warm, loving experience to show me It's always known best for the long run.
The only thing necessary for me to do right now is to keep showing up at my homegroup, put my hand out to the newcomers, share my experience, strength and hope during meetings, and fulfill the committments I've accepted. As long as I do these things, my side of the street will be clean and I'll be able to find peace of mind with whatever else goes on. I have the sneaking suspicion that God's will is not for me to be the group conscience, but for me to fit myself into the part It would have me play in things. It's a prayer for God to use me, not to do what I think It should with things I'm uncomfortable with. If I'm bothering to pray for God to use me, I might as well try and be useful at the same time. One without the other probably isn't much of a prayer at all. My first sponsor had the same ideas about this my current sponsor has, prayer without some kind of action to back it up is pretty selfish and demanding. It seems the best action I can take here is to keep doing the simple things I've been doing since day one and not take any extra actions unless they seem right in the moment the opportunity arises. The truly humble thing to do is to just try and play the part God would have me and be content in doing It's will.