Loneliness
On June 30th 2005, J.T., the Magister Ludi, wrote:
"Consider...that we might all be alone after all, and there's no hope for not being lonely. What are the consequences...? Rather than struggle to preserve your lie...what if you accepted that you are alone and that you are lonely? How is realizing [it] any different than living in ignorance...? You're alone whether you know it or not. At least by knowing the truth you won't waste so much energy being a false friend to somebody just so you can say, "Yes, I have friends and that means I'm not alone"(my emphasis). Do your friendships have any more value than just having other people around you to make you feel better about yourself?... When a symbiote becomes a parasite, the organism should be killed because it demands more than it gives back... Are you alone, and is that really so bad? What does knowing you're alone really change, if you've been alone this whole time?"
It may also bring me catharsis to tear down the Magister's philosophy. I'm feeling rather iconoclastic, and he's one of the few icons I haven't smashed yet. But not tonight. Tonight, I have something else in mind.
No one is really alone. I believe in God.
Instead, we have this condition of "loneliness."
I am realizing these days how truly lonely I am. Forget women. That's not the half of it. I'm finding that I truly have no friends. I pour my heart out to those closest, and I am not even honored with a "Fuck Off." I get the silent treatment instead. Since you are silent, my prejudices can be affirmed; if no one raises his voice in protest, I must be right.
I think most if not all of you (by You, I mean the world; I am not targeting any of the usual readers of this journal, with the possible exception of one) are as flat, as shallow as pancakes. You look at my philosophical crises, my terrible duels with despair, and you turn your heads in fear. You realize that I live in the REAL WORLD, and your so-called "life" is nothing more than a phony facade designed to please others for material gain that comes to nothing but death anyway. Your happiness is as conditional and childish as you silently assume I am. My raging passion and despair, my exploding romantic heart, my high highs and terrible lows, at least are completely sincere. Maybe the reason I don't seek women out is not because I fear them, but because I want to spare them the chore of knowing me--really knowing me.
None of you want to know me. None of you know me. None of you can know me. I am so far beyond you. This has nothing to do with intelligence; this is a matter of spiritual depth. Good or evil, right or wrong, I am before you like Charybdis with horrible mystery... even mighty Odysseus runs away in terror to preserve his archetypical skin.
I don't know loneliness. I AM loneliness. I am the concept itself. I am alone from other people, alone from my past, alone from my present, even alone from my self. The only thing I am not alone from is God. Because it is impossible to be alone from God, and God is Love, I am ultimately loved and ultimately saved. But because I walk the earth, which knows neither love nor salvation, I am not comforted. I am not comfort. I am discomfort. I'm the sore in your mouth, but my name sure as hell ain't Marla.
I am by no means self-made. People have helped me along the way, and I could never repay them for their gifts of time and patience. Most of all, my parents, and then my siblings, I am eternally debted to you. I am eternally debted to so-called "friends" as well. For even though I know that I have no friends, that I am utterly un-lovable, there have been people (you know who you are) whose generosity and wisdom have been priceless to me. So, this little rant of loneliness doesn't imply that people don't help me. Far from it. Thank you. Thank you times infinity. I can't say it enough.
But there is no one here to comfort me. No shoulder to cry on, no friend waiting on the phone. Maybe once, but not anymore.
"Consider...that we might all be alone after all, and there's no hope for not being lonely. What are the consequences...? Rather than struggle to preserve your lie...what if you accepted that you are alone and that you are lonely? How is realizing [it] any different than living in ignorance...? You're alone whether you know it or not. At least by knowing the truth you won't waste so much energy being a false friend to somebody just so you can say, "Yes, I have friends and that means I'm not alone"(my emphasis). Do your friendships have any more value than just having other people around you to make you feel better about yourself?... When a symbiote becomes a parasite, the organism should be killed because it demands more than it gives back... Are you alone, and is that really so bad? What does knowing you're alone really change, if you've been alone this whole time?"
It may also bring me catharsis to tear down the Magister's philosophy. I'm feeling rather iconoclastic, and he's one of the few icons I haven't smashed yet. But not tonight. Tonight, I have something else in mind.
No one is really alone. I believe in God.
Instead, we have this condition of "loneliness."
I am realizing these days how truly lonely I am. Forget women. That's not the half of it. I'm finding that I truly have no friends. I pour my heart out to those closest, and I am not even honored with a "Fuck Off." I get the silent treatment instead. Since you are silent, my prejudices can be affirmed; if no one raises his voice in protest, I must be right.
I think most if not all of you (by You, I mean the world; I am not targeting any of the usual readers of this journal, with the possible exception of one) are as flat, as shallow as pancakes. You look at my philosophical crises, my terrible duels with despair, and you turn your heads in fear. You realize that I live in the REAL WORLD, and your so-called "life" is nothing more than a phony facade designed to please others for material gain that comes to nothing but death anyway. Your happiness is as conditional and childish as you silently assume I am. My raging passion and despair, my exploding romantic heart, my high highs and terrible lows, at least are completely sincere. Maybe the reason I don't seek women out is not because I fear them, but because I want to spare them the chore of knowing me--really knowing me.
None of you want to know me. None of you know me. None of you can know me. I am so far beyond you. This has nothing to do with intelligence; this is a matter of spiritual depth. Good or evil, right or wrong, I am before you like Charybdis with horrible mystery... even mighty Odysseus runs away in terror to preserve his archetypical skin.
I don't know loneliness. I AM loneliness. I am the concept itself. I am alone from other people, alone from my past, alone from my present, even alone from my self. The only thing I am not alone from is God. Because it is impossible to be alone from God, and God is Love, I am ultimately loved and ultimately saved. But because I walk the earth, which knows neither love nor salvation, I am not comforted. I am not comfort. I am discomfort. I'm the sore in your mouth, but my name sure as hell ain't Marla.
I am by no means self-made. People have helped me along the way, and I could never repay them for their gifts of time and patience. Most of all, my parents, and then my siblings, I am eternally debted to you. I am eternally debted to so-called "friends" as well. For even though I know that I have no friends, that I am utterly un-lovable, there have been people (you know who you are) whose generosity and wisdom have been priceless to me. So, this little rant of loneliness doesn't imply that people don't help me. Far from it. Thank you. Thank you times infinity. I can't say it enough.
But there is no one here to comfort me. No shoulder to cry on, no friend waiting on the phone. Maybe once, but not anymore.