F@#$ The World!
I know what rock bottom can be. I know this isn't it. Like a bad roller coaster ride, I keep praying the bottom doesn't drop out again. I just want to coast back into the station.
Two of my uncles and my grandmother are going through some medical issues. As callous as it may sound, that doesn't affect me so much. I've been distanced from my family for some time. I don't get them and they don't get me. My immediate family sees very little of me...the larger whole knows me from childhood. Do I feel for them, yes...but I'm not on pins and needles over it.
More immediately, I am still worried for ronninfernum and jetgirlcomet. I am very sad with and for them. While I can't possibly fathom or imagine their pain and feelings, I feel what any healthy human would. I feel a sense of loss. I feel deep sadness for my friends, and some sadness for myself as well. I feel a need to do something to help heal their pain. I'm certain I'm not alone in this.
A little over a week ago I visited compassrosek8's Flickr site to show a co-worker pictures of cakes and the pictures of Henry Stewart swearing fealty. Let's not start all the arguments about visiting K8's Flickr site just now. What's important is that I found pictures of my ex-wife and the waste of human fucking flesh that seduced her away from me celebrating their recent marriage. That brings all sorts of rage to the surface for various reasons. That makes me sick. It leads down many nasty roads. The stain of it hasn't washed off yet.
I want to rail and rage and express so much about this, but I don't find the timing or the audience is right. Many of you know K8 and associate with her. That's part of it...all of my friends making happy with the villains; people I call friends celebrating the tainted fruit that grew from my tragedy. Everyone is too connected. I don't feel I can speak without alienating people...and I'm not sure what I want yet.
My ex-wife called last week. Kairo is old. He was aging when we got him from the pound. The vet estimated him at 11years in 2005. He has kidney failure. He also has (I found out yesterday) a thyroid condition. My boy is sick. I left him in the care of villains and he is ill. The vet swears there's no chance this illness stems from neglect of any kind. He's just old. Still...I have been missing him since I had to let him go, and now this.
I want my kittens to come home. I want them out of the hands of the people I despise so much. I'm looking forward to moving back into the house because it means my babies get to come home.
It's hard not to just spit bile and poison right now. I'm still very angry over my divorce. I'm still...I don't know...grieving. I have no closure...no resolution...my wounds are open and infected. Feelings and thoughts revolving around it tend to dominate my mood and mental focus when they come up.
The medical issues don't stop there! No, no, no! My friend, Bill (not related to S.A.P.A.), passed out last Tuesday. When he came 'round he couldn't remember anything. He has amnesia. This shit only happens in soaps! So a long-time friend and his wife are going through some heavy shit. I met with them last night. We had dinner. It was interesting. It was painful. There's a lot there, too. I haven't fully processed everything yet.
stacieswindow is ill again. She doesn't like to share details, but she was almost hospitalized yesterday. In some ways that was helpful. While being strong for her and helping her I didn't have time to dwell on my own issues. I took her kids with me to run errands yesterday, giving her time to rest. We had a lot of fun.
On a material level, I awoke yesterday to find my home computer is a paperweight. The motherboard fried...smell of burning electronics and all. My car radio simply stopped working as well. I've been complaining that I wanted to replace the stereo. I suppose it heard and obeyed. There's no telling how long it will take to replace either.
There it is. The universe is persecuting me and those that I love. Many of you have posted your own ill fortune or turns of fate lately. I think of you all regularly. A complete list would be difficult. Some of you are injured. Some are dealing with pet helath issues. Some are out of work. Some are dealing with major life events. The world sucks.
I just needed a moment to release the pressure and scream...
FUCK THE WORLD!
Two of my uncles and my grandmother are going through some medical issues. As callous as it may sound, that doesn't affect me so much. I've been distanced from my family for some time. I don't get them and they don't get me. My immediate family sees very little of me...the larger whole knows me from childhood. Do I feel for them, yes...but I'm not on pins and needles over it.
More immediately, I am still worried for ronninfernum and jetgirlcomet. I am very sad with and for them. While I can't possibly fathom or imagine their pain and feelings, I feel what any healthy human would. I feel a sense of loss. I feel deep sadness for my friends, and some sadness for myself as well. I feel a need to do something to help heal their pain. I'm certain I'm not alone in this.
A little over a week ago I visited compassrosek8's Flickr site to show a co-worker pictures of cakes and the pictures of Henry Stewart swearing fealty. Let's not start all the arguments about visiting K8's Flickr site just now. What's important is that I found pictures of my ex-wife and the waste of human fucking flesh that seduced her away from me celebrating their recent marriage. That brings all sorts of rage to the surface for various reasons. That makes me sick. It leads down many nasty roads. The stain of it hasn't washed off yet.
I want to rail and rage and express so much about this, but I don't find the timing or the audience is right. Many of you know K8 and associate with her. That's part of it...all of my friends making happy with the villains; people I call friends celebrating the tainted fruit that grew from my tragedy. Everyone is too connected. I don't feel I can speak without alienating people...and I'm not sure what I want yet.
My ex-wife called last week. Kairo is old. He was aging when we got him from the pound. The vet estimated him at 11years in 2005. He has kidney failure. He also has (I found out yesterday) a thyroid condition. My boy is sick. I left him in the care of villains and he is ill. The vet swears there's no chance this illness stems from neglect of any kind. He's just old. Still...I have been missing him since I had to let him go, and now this.
I want my kittens to come home. I want them out of the hands of the people I despise so much. I'm looking forward to moving back into the house because it means my babies get to come home.
It's hard not to just spit bile and poison right now. I'm still very angry over my divorce. I'm still...I don't know...grieving. I have no closure...no resolution...my wounds are open and infected. Feelings and thoughts revolving around it tend to dominate my mood and mental focus when they come up.
The medical issues don't stop there! No, no, no! My friend, Bill (not related to S.A.P.A.), passed out last Tuesday. When he came 'round he couldn't remember anything. He has amnesia. This shit only happens in soaps! So a long-time friend and his wife are going through some heavy shit. I met with them last night. We had dinner. It was interesting. It was painful. There's a lot there, too. I haven't fully processed everything yet.
stacieswindow is ill again. She doesn't like to share details, but she was almost hospitalized yesterday. In some ways that was helpful. While being strong for her and helping her I didn't have time to dwell on my own issues. I took her kids with me to run errands yesterday, giving her time to rest. We had a lot of fun.
On a material level, I awoke yesterday to find my home computer is a paperweight. The motherboard fried...smell of burning electronics and all. My car radio simply stopped working as well. I've been complaining that I wanted to replace the stereo. I suppose it heard and obeyed. There's no telling how long it will take to replace either.
There it is. The universe is persecuting me and those that I love. Many of you have posted your own ill fortune or turns of fate lately. I think of you all regularly. A complete list would be difficult. Some of you are injured. Some are dealing with pet helath issues. Some are out of work. Some are dealing with major life events. The world sucks.
I just needed a moment to release the pressure and scream...
FUCK THE WORLD!