[KHR Fic] Beauty Queen (Lussuria, Squalo, Kikyo)
Title: Beauty Queen
Rating: PG-13
Prompt: Squalo + Kikyo + Lussuria - Beauty Queen; "Show us some legs" (for khrfest)
Warnings: Squalo's potty mouth; caricatured characters; barely there Lussuria/Hibari; very tiny (unintentional) Xanxus/Squalo depending on interpretation
Summary: It's the Vongola's Men's Beauty Pageant. Who's going to win?
Notes: I wrote this kind of fast, excited to pour out my headcanon of these characters. I think I may have gotten too excited, though. :x
Beauty Queen
If there was one thing Lussuria was born for - okay, scratch that - two things he was born for, it's (1) fighting and (2) looking beautiful.
So when Reborn (God bless him!) sent an invitation to the Varia to a Vongola Beauty Pageant for Men, Lussuria pounced on the chance like cat on milk.
The rules were simple for the contestant application process: fill out a form, submit a picture of yourself in a dress, and get a recommendation letter from a Vongola member. The winner would receive a crown and a cash prize.
Lussuria joyously clutched his completed paperwork and submisssion photo (he borrowed his sister's green, strapless sequined dress) and skipped into his boss's office.
"Boss!" he chirped. "Will you write me a recommendation letter for the beauty pageant?"
Xanxus was hunched over at his desk, furiously writing something.
"I'm busy right now." He briefly put down his pen, chuckled to himself, and resumed writing.
Lussuria sauntered over to his boss and looked over his shoulder. He gasped until he couldn't take in any more air. His boss -- his precious, precious boss -- was filling out the forms to enter Squalo, of all people, in the pagaent. Lussuria sank to his knees, betrayed.
"Boss, you're recommending Squalo? Over me? Why?"
Xanxus raised an eyebrow.
"Why not?"
What could Lussuria say to that? With a heart heavier than a year's worth of his hair products, he left the room and searched for Levi to have him write the letter instead.
+++++++
"Why the fuck am I doing this again?" Squalo asked for the millionth time on the plane to Japan where the pageant was to take place.
"You're going to win the cash prize for us," said Xanxus, gazing blankly out the window.
"... because you're pretty," Bel finished. The way he stretched out the last syllable made Lussuria want to punch a hole in that stupid smile of his.
"But what about me?" whined Lussuria. "I have a good chance of winning, too! You'll see. You'll all see!"
"Fuck you. This is stupid," Squalo grumbled as he sank further down in his seat.
Lussuria honestly couldn't see how they thought Squalo would have a better chance of winning. His eyes traced the outline of Squalo's long white hair (it gets in the way too much) to his pale, delicate face that housed murderous eyes and sharp teeth (an ugly juxtaposition if you ask him) and to his prosthetic hand (beauty should be natural). Squalo's way too revolting to even be considered in the same class of beauty as Lussuria; there's no way he's aesthetically superior.
As they stepped off the plane and were led to the makeshift outdoor stage at the tenth generation Vongola's place, Lussuria crinkled his nose at the lack of extravagance. If this had taken place back in Italy where the real Vongola were, things would be much different. In a good way.
Hibari Kyoya, whom Lussuria hadn't seen in a few years and was looking very fine, showed Lussuria to his dressing room. He presented Lussuria with a set of stapled papers.
"These are your instructions on what to do, where to stand, and everything," said Hibari curtly. "Read the rules and follow them. If you do anything to disrupt the event, I'll personally bite you to death."
Lussuria's lips turned upward. "Maybe I want you to bite me."
In response, Hibari turned on his heels and left the room.
+++++++
It was 11 AM and Lussuria had to meet backstage with the other contestants for some last-minute directions. Thanks to diligent practice a week before the pageant, walking in six-inch stilettos in an off-the-shoulder rhinestone dress wasn’t so painful. Squalo, on the other hand, was as ungraceful as a newborn baby colt in his bubblegum pink short ruffle dress and high heels.
He would’ve laughed right then and there, but then he saw the bomb boy, much taller now, but looking hideously tacky in a red, knee-length lace dress and black platform boots (Hello! Spice Girls are so over). And Lussuria couldn’t stop the grin from stretching across his face.
“Are you sure you should be here?” Lussuria quipped. “I think the street corner over there is waiting for you.”
Gokudera Hayato shot him a glare. “Fuck off. I’m doing this so Tenth wouldn’t have to humiliate himself.”
Squalo shouted for them to shut up, but Lussuria chose to ignore him.
“Hey, it’s Octopus Head!” a familiar voice nearby called out.
Lussuria turned to see the Boxer Boy decked out in a shimmery orange halter top dress and metallic silver peeptoe stilettos. The boxer styled his hair a little differently from the last time they had met, and when Lussuria’s heart stopped beating momentarily, he knew that this kid would be his biggest competition.
“What do you want, Lawn Head?”
“I hope you’re prepared to lose!” Sasagawa Ryohei laughed. He faced Lussuria, and his eyes lightened. “Oh, Lussuria! It’s been awhile. I guess with you and Squalo here, it’ll just be the four of us.”
“Yeah. Reborn-san said that there weren’t very many applicants,” said Gokudera.
Lussuria smirked to himself. Those other people must’ve seen his name and got scared.
The stately click of heels across the floor signaled that someone was coming. The contestants turned around to see the Poison Scorpion in an ivory gown with the infant Reborn in her arms.
“Ciaossu!” the baby greeted. “I’m the host and founder of this event. Every ten years, the Vongola put on a men’s beauty pageant with a cash prize at stake.”
“Is there really a point to this?” Squalo chimed in.
Reborn smiled. “Not really.”
Squalo threw up his hands. “What the-“
“See you guys on stage.” Reborn cut him off.
+++++++
According to the written instructions, the contestants were to walk across the stage as their names were called, stop at the “X” marked on the floor, and pose for five seconds. The judges, Bianchi, Fuuta, and Iemitsu, would score each contestant on a scale of 1 to 100. Then the average of those scores would be displayed on the great Vongola scoreboard with cutouts of each person’s head as markers.
Sasagawa walked out there in a manly-yet-feminine stride that flirted dangerously with Lussuria’s jealousy. To Lussuria’s shock, he received a score of 43. The Sun Guardian raged and fussed, accusing the judges of “extreme conspiracy,” and was subsequently dragged off the stage by a pissed-off Hibari.
Unfortunately, Gokudera had not taken three steps before he collapsed at the sight of his sister. Now that half the competition was knocked out, Lussuria’s win was 100% guaranteed since his remaining competitor was a visual atrocity in drag.
So when it was his turn, Lussuria marched out and seduced the audience with his practiced catwalk (good thing his sunglasses shielded him from the onslaught of photography flashes). For his pose, Lussuria opted for a sexy, pouty smile and hands on his hips with one foot forward. When Reborn revealed his score of 74, Lussuria also wanted to fume and rant at the non-perfect score, but he remembered the fate of the boxer before him so he directed his anger towards blowing kisses to the crowd.
That kiss-blowing didn’t last long, for Squalo’s turn was next. Despite Squalo’s wobbly start, he managed to do absolutely nothing for his pose, and during the hush that fell over the crowd, cameras attacked him like he was meat. So not fair.
And when Squalo posted a score of 89 (by doing nothing!), Lussuria tried with all his might to refrain from introducing his stiletto heel to Squalo’s shin.
During the clothing change for the next round, Lussuria couldn’t resist harassing Squalo who looked oddly radiant.
Lussuria placed his hands on his hips. “How did you get a high score? You’re as ugly as a rock!”
“VOOOIII! I am not! And you’re just jealous because you’re losing!”
A strange voice interrupted them. “Now, boys. Play nice.”
Lussuria wheeled around and saw a man with long, fluffy sea-green hair in a half ponytail and green eye makeup dressed in a suit with a garment bag tossed over his shoulder.
“Who the fuck are you?” Squalo demanded.
The man smiled. “I’m Kikyo. I didn’t make it in time for the first round, but I’m lucky they let me in. They said that it’s still anyone’s game at this point.”
“I don’t recall seeing you in the Vongola,” said Lussuria.
“I’m in the Millefiore,” said Kikyo. “Got a recommendation to be here so I’m here. Thought it’d be fun to beat the Vongola at their own game. Plus, the cash prize is nice.” He flipped his hair over his shoulder and leered at Squalo. “The money goes back into making sure my hair is at its best.”
Squalo looked beyond displeased. “Watch it, makeup bastard. I’ll slice your throat open!” he snarled.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Your Cloud Guardian’s hellbent on keeping the peace. Plus, it’s not good for you if I go at my full power.”
Reborn appeared before them with a too-large microphone in his hands. “Five minutes until showtime!”
Lussuria retreated to his dressing room to change into a black Versace gown with a plunging neckline for the evening wear competition. He then completed his look with a diamond barrette and diamond sunshades.
When he came out, Kikyo was waiting in the open area in his wedding-white, tiered Grecian dress. His hair was fully down, soft waves caressing the gold hoops dangling from his ears. Lussuria was disgusted, but felt slightly sorry for Squalo.
Squalo emerged from his room in a ruched, gold strapless gown that was embellished with beads. Moreover, his hair was messily pulled back into an updo held together by large butterfly hairpins, exposing large diamond teardrop earrings.
“Stop looking at me,” he growled in a low voice.
“Where did you learn to do your hair like that?” asked Kikyo, echoing Lussuria’s thoughts.
“Shut up. I watched my mom do it when I was younger.”
Lussuria spent the next two minutes thinking of a game plan to move ahead in the second round. If Squalo got high marks for not posing, then Lussuria figured he’d do the same. When he took the stage (and did no pose), the cheering audience made his heart swell with pride. Then his pride was crushed with the hammer of a 70 displayed on the scoreboard.
“No way!” he complained as he quietly took his place at the end of the stage.
As Squalo walked out, he did so with a confidence that wasn’t there in the first round. He strutted like the stage was his red carpet. His hips suddenly looked soft and fluid and unsightly. That was when Lussuria realized that Squalo looked… like a flat-chested woman. He mentally gagged and hoped that his face didn’t betray him.
When Reborn announced Squalo’s score of 80, down 9 points from before, Squalo shook a fist and let loose a train of curses. Out of habit, Lussuria restrained Squalo and got him to calm down before Hibari cleaned things up.
Seconds later, Lussuria kicked himself for not letting Squalo get disqualified.
His guilt was interrupted when the audience oohed and ahhhed at Kikyo’s entrance. The way he floated across the stage with an elegance of a butterfly and the sultriness of a siren, made Lussuria sick to his stomach. Kikyo winked at the judges, and Lussuria saw Bianchi and Iemitsu clutch her swooning hearts. If Squalo was a flat-chested woman, then Kikyo was a flat-chested vixen. Absolutely sickening.
“If he wins, I’m going to fucking shave his head,” said Squalo with a ferocity in his voice that he only showed to the toughest of enemies.
“What about slashing his throat?” Lussuria asked.
“That comes later.”
Lussuria was going to say something, but Kikyo’s newly-announced score of 99 changed things drastically. Next to him, Squalo was clawing at the line of insanity.
“JESUS CHRIST, WHAT THE-”
Lussuria clamped a gloved hand over Squalo’s mouth as Kikyo took his place near them with a smug smile plastered on his face.
“It’s okay,” Lussuria whispered in Squalo’s ear. “We still have the scores from Round 1, so he’s still in last place. As long as we don’t do any worse for the interviewing portion, there’s no way he can win.”
Squalo stilled and nodded. And Lussuria once again kicked himself for keeping Squalo in the competition.
For the last round, the contestants had to line up in the middle of the stage and answer questions posed by the judges by drawing their names out of a box. There would be no announcement of the individual scores for this round; instead, those scores would be tallied with the other ones and the winner crowned at the end.
“Ushishishi, show us some legs!” yelled out a voice that sounded suspiciously like Bel’s. The rest of the audience followed suit and began to chant for legs.
Lussuria froze in place, afraid of being disqualified. Kikyo, however, appeased the crowd with his sparkling smile and pulled up his dress to his thigh, revealing perfectly shaved legs. Lussuria shook his head at the unmanliness.
The crowd quickly became a thunderous echo, but was abruptly silenced when Hibari raced up on the stage to give a menacing look and his characteristic threat.
Lussuria kicked off the last round by drawing Bianchi’s name.
Bianchi cleared her throat and put the microphone up to her pink lips. “Lussuria, how would you describe sex appeal?”
Lussuria snorted. What kind of question was that? “That’s easy. I am sex appeal. You see, to be sexy, you have to be yourself. No fake hands,” he looked at Squalo who flipped him off. “No fake hair,” he looked at Kikyo who gasped melodramatically in return. “Just 100% you. With a nice, toned body.”
He bowed to the judges and walked back to his place.
Next, Squalo got Fuuta’s question: “If you were writing an autobiography, what would you title it?”
Squalo took his time thinking, tapping a finger to his mouth once, twice, thirteen times.
“Shark Tale,” he finally answered.
The awkward silence that followed seemed much longer than Squalo’s thinking. Lussuria didn’t think it was a bad answer.
“Is that it?” asked Fuuta.
“Yeah. Got a problem with that?”
“Well, there’s already a movie by the same title,” said Fuuta.
Squalo’s eyes narrowed. “Seriously? What the holy flying daffodil? They took my autobiography, those fuckers!”
This time, Lussuria remembered to stay out of Squalo’s trouble. He just smiled and nodded.
“Fuck this!” muttered Squalo as he returned to his spot between Lussuria and Kikyo.
“Iemitsu,” said Reborn when Kikyo approached the microphone, “what is your question to Kikyo?”
“Just to be clear,” Kikyo interrupted, “my hair is not fake.”
Iemitsu raised an eyebrow. “Uh, okay. So my question is this: if you had an hour everyday to do whatever you wanted, what would you do?”
Kikyo fell silent for a few moments. Then he took a deep breath and answered, “Well, I am in the mafia. And what I want is to serve my Family. Nothing less. I would use that hour to do whatever is needed of me because my Family is my sun, my breath, my life. Forever and beyond.”
“Bullshit, he’s lying,” groaned Squalo. “No one’s going to believe that hunk of crap.”
Lussuria glanced over at the judges’ table where Bianchi and Fuuta were wiping tears away from their eyes and Iemitsu was nodding happily. He didn’t feel like breaking the impending bad news to Squalo just yet.
After a brief judges’ convention, Fuuta handed Reborn an envelope with their decision. Reborn opens it up and smirks.
“The second runner-up, or loser, as we call it, is Squalo.”
Some amongst the crowd booed at the result. Squalo, as Lussuria expected, transformed into a wild tempest. Every curse word in the dictionary rolled off his tongue. Three times. It would have been four times if Hibari hadn’t hauled him out.
Now that Lussuria and Kikyo were left onstage, Lussuria couldn’t shake off the feeling of defeat. Throughout the pageant, the judges seemed to have a different definition of beauty that bordered on disgusting. Perhaps it wasn’t Lussuria’s day.
When the audience quieted down, Reborn continued with the results. “The first runner-up is…"
Lussuria steadied his racing heart and quickly thought of several poses to do when his name was called.
"... Kikyo, which means that Lussuria is the winner.”
“What?” gasped Lussuria. “I… won? I won! Oh, my God, I can’t believe it!” He jumped up and down, not staying still long enough for the former winner to pin the crown on his head.
Kikyo stomped his foot. “No way! I was perfect! I even made the judges cry! I should’ve won!”
Squalo came back on the stage and demanded to know why he was beaten by a makeup bastard with fake hair.
“This is an outrage!” he roared. “Look at this guy - he looks like a mermaid on crack! I demand a recount!”
Reborn shrugged and explained that although non-Vongola members can participate in the pageant for the sake of fun (given they were recommended by someone in the Vongola), only Vongola members can win. After all, it was in the fine print in the application form.
But Lussuria didn’t really care about the fine print or whatever. He was victorious, and he was beautiful.
And all was good.
Rating: PG-13
Prompt: Squalo + Kikyo + Lussuria - Beauty Queen; "Show us some legs" (for khrfest)
Warnings: Squalo's potty mouth; caricatured characters; barely there Lussuria/Hibari; very tiny (unintentional) Xanxus/Squalo depending on interpretation
Summary: It's the Vongola's Men's Beauty Pageant. Who's going to win?
Notes: I wrote this kind of fast, excited to pour out my headcanon of these characters. I think I may have gotten too excited, though. :x
Beauty Queen
If there was one thing Lussuria was born for - okay, scratch that - two things he was born for, it's (1) fighting and (2) looking beautiful.
So when Reborn (God bless him!) sent an invitation to the Varia to a Vongola Beauty Pageant for Men, Lussuria pounced on the chance like cat on milk.
The rules were simple for the contestant application process: fill out a form, submit a picture of yourself in a dress, and get a recommendation letter from a Vongola member. The winner would receive a crown and a cash prize.
Lussuria joyously clutched his completed paperwork and submisssion photo (he borrowed his sister's green, strapless sequined dress) and skipped into his boss's office.
"Boss!" he chirped. "Will you write me a recommendation letter for the beauty pageant?"
Xanxus was hunched over at his desk, furiously writing something.
"I'm busy right now." He briefly put down his pen, chuckled to himself, and resumed writing.
Lussuria sauntered over to his boss and looked over his shoulder. He gasped until he couldn't take in any more air. His boss -- his precious, precious boss -- was filling out the forms to enter Squalo, of all people, in the pagaent. Lussuria sank to his knees, betrayed.
"Boss, you're recommending Squalo? Over me? Why?"
Xanxus raised an eyebrow.
"Why not?"
What could Lussuria say to that? With a heart heavier than a year's worth of his hair products, he left the room and searched for Levi to have him write the letter instead.
+++++++
"Why the fuck am I doing this again?" Squalo asked for the millionth time on the plane to Japan where the pageant was to take place.
"You're going to win the cash prize for us," said Xanxus, gazing blankly out the window.
"... because you're pretty," Bel finished. The way he stretched out the last syllable made Lussuria want to punch a hole in that stupid smile of his.
"But what about me?" whined Lussuria. "I have a good chance of winning, too! You'll see. You'll all see!"
"Fuck you. This is stupid," Squalo grumbled as he sank further down in his seat.
Lussuria honestly couldn't see how they thought Squalo would have a better chance of winning. His eyes traced the outline of Squalo's long white hair (it gets in the way too much) to his pale, delicate face that housed murderous eyes and sharp teeth (an ugly juxtaposition if you ask him) and to his prosthetic hand (beauty should be natural). Squalo's way too revolting to even be considered in the same class of beauty as Lussuria; there's no way he's aesthetically superior.
As they stepped off the plane and were led to the makeshift outdoor stage at the tenth generation Vongola's place, Lussuria crinkled his nose at the lack of extravagance. If this had taken place back in Italy where the real Vongola were, things would be much different. In a good way.
Hibari Kyoya, whom Lussuria hadn't seen in a few years and was looking very fine, showed Lussuria to his dressing room. He presented Lussuria with a set of stapled papers.
"These are your instructions on what to do, where to stand, and everything," said Hibari curtly. "Read the rules and follow them. If you do anything to disrupt the event, I'll personally bite you to death."
Lussuria's lips turned upward. "Maybe I want you to bite me."
In response, Hibari turned on his heels and left the room.
+++++++
It was 11 AM and Lussuria had to meet backstage with the other contestants for some last-minute directions. Thanks to diligent practice a week before the pageant, walking in six-inch stilettos in an off-the-shoulder rhinestone dress wasn’t so painful. Squalo, on the other hand, was as ungraceful as a newborn baby colt in his bubblegum pink short ruffle dress and high heels.
He would’ve laughed right then and there, but then he saw the bomb boy, much taller now, but looking hideously tacky in a red, knee-length lace dress and black platform boots (Hello! Spice Girls are so over). And Lussuria couldn’t stop the grin from stretching across his face.
“Are you sure you should be here?” Lussuria quipped. “I think the street corner over there is waiting for you.”
Gokudera Hayato shot him a glare. “Fuck off. I’m doing this so Tenth wouldn’t have to humiliate himself.”
Squalo shouted for them to shut up, but Lussuria chose to ignore him.
“Hey, it’s Octopus Head!” a familiar voice nearby called out.
Lussuria turned to see the Boxer Boy decked out in a shimmery orange halter top dress and metallic silver peeptoe stilettos. The boxer styled his hair a little differently from the last time they had met, and when Lussuria’s heart stopped beating momentarily, he knew that this kid would be his biggest competition.
“What do you want, Lawn Head?”
“I hope you’re prepared to lose!” Sasagawa Ryohei laughed. He faced Lussuria, and his eyes lightened. “Oh, Lussuria! It’s been awhile. I guess with you and Squalo here, it’ll just be the four of us.”
“Yeah. Reborn-san said that there weren’t very many applicants,” said Gokudera.
Lussuria smirked to himself. Those other people must’ve seen his name and got scared.
The stately click of heels across the floor signaled that someone was coming. The contestants turned around to see the Poison Scorpion in an ivory gown with the infant Reborn in her arms.
“Ciaossu!” the baby greeted. “I’m the host and founder of this event. Every ten years, the Vongola put on a men’s beauty pageant with a cash prize at stake.”
“Is there really a point to this?” Squalo chimed in.
Reborn smiled. “Not really.”
Squalo threw up his hands. “What the-“
“See you guys on stage.” Reborn cut him off.
+++++++
According to the written instructions, the contestants were to walk across the stage as their names were called, stop at the “X” marked on the floor, and pose for five seconds. The judges, Bianchi, Fuuta, and Iemitsu, would score each contestant on a scale of 1 to 100. Then the average of those scores would be displayed on the great Vongola scoreboard with cutouts of each person’s head as markers.
Sasagawa walked out there in a manly-yet-feminine stride that flirted dangerously with Lussuria’s jealousy. To Lussuria’s shock, he received a score of 43. The Sun Guardian raged and fussed, accusing the judges of “extreme conspiracy,” and was subsequently dragged off the stage by a pissed-off Hibari.
Unfortunately, Gokudera had not taken three steps before he collapsed at the sight of his sister. Now that half the competition was knocked out, Lussuria’s win was 100% guaranteed since his remaining competitor was a visual atrocity in drag.
So when it was his turn, Lussuria marched out and seduced the audience with his practiced catwalk (good thing his sunglasses shielded him from the onslaught of photography flashes). For his pose, Lussuria opted for a sexy, pouty smile and hands on his hips with one foot forward. When Reborn revealed his score of 74, Lussuria also wanted to fume and rant at the non-perfect score, but he remembered the fate of the boxer before him so he directed his anger towards blowing kisses to the crowd.
That kiss-blowing didn’t last long, for Squalo’s turn was next. Despite Squalo’s wobbly start, he managed to do absolutely nothing for his pose, and during the hush that fell over the crowd, cameras attacked him like he was meat. So not fair.
And when Squalo posted a score of 89 (by doing nothing!), Lussuria tried with all his might to refrain from introducing his stiletto heel to Squalo’s shin.
During the clothing change for the next round, Lussuria couldn’t resist harassing Squalo who looked oddly radiant.
Lussuria placed his hands on his hips. “How did you get a high score? You’re as ugly as a rock!”
“VOOOIII! I am not! And you’re just jealous because you’re losing!”
A strange voice interrupted them. “Now, boys. Play nice.”
Lussuria wheeled around and saw a man with long, fluffy sea-green hair in a half ponytail and green eye makeup dressed in a suit with a garment bag tossed over his shoulder.
“Who the fuck are you?” Squalo demanded.
The man smiled. “I’m Kikyo. I didn’t make it in time for the first round, but I’m lucky they let me in. They said that it’s still anyone’s game at this point.”
“I don’t recall seeing you in the Vongola,” said Lussuria.
“I’m in the Millefiore,” said Kikyo. “Got a recommendation to be here so I’m here. Thought it’d be fun to beat the Vongola at their own game. Plus, the cash prize is nice.” He flipped his hair over his shoulder and leered at Squalo. “The money goes back into making sure my hair is at its best.”
Squalo looked beyond displeased. “Watch it, makeup bastard. I’ll slice your throat open!” he snarled.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Your Cloud Guardian’s hellbent on keeping the peace. Plus, it’s not good for you if I go at my full power.”
Reborn appeared before them with a too-large microphone in his hands. “Five minutes until showtime!”
Lussuria retreated to his dressing room to change into a black Versace gown with a plunging neckline for the evening wear competition. He then completed his look with a diamond barrette and diamond sunshades.
When he came out, Kikyo was waiting in the open area in his wedding-white, tiered Grecian dress. His hair was fully down, soft waves caressing the gold hoops dangling from his ears. Lussuria was disgusted, but felt slightly sorry for Squalo.
Squalo emerged from his room in a ruched, gold strapless gown that was embellished with beads. Moreover, his hair was messily pulled back into an updo held together by large butterfly hairpins, exposing large diamond teardrop earrings.
“Stop looking at me,” he growled in a low voice.
“Where did you learn to do your hair like that?” asked Kikyo, echoing Lussuria’s thoughts.
“Shut up. I watched my mom do it when I was younger.”
Lussuria spent the next two minutes thinking of a game plan to move ahead in the second round. If Squalo got high marks for not posing, then Lussuria figured he’d do the same. When he took the stage (and did no pose), the cheering audience made his heart swell with pride. Then his pride was crushed with the hammer of a 70 displayed on the scoreboard.
“No way!” he complained as he quietly took his place at the end of the stage.
As Squalo walked out, he did so with a confidence that wasn’t there in the first round. He strutted like the stage was his red carpet. His hips suddenly looked soft and fluid and unsightly. That was when Lussuria realized that Squalo looked… like a flat-chested woman. He mentally gagged and hoped that his face didn’t betray him.
When Reborn announced Squalo’s score of 80, down 9 points from before, Squalo shook a fist and let loose a train of curses. Out of habit, Lussuria restrained Squalo and got him to calm down before Hibari cleaned things up.
Seconds later, Lussuria kicked himself for not letting Squalo get disqualified.
His guilt was interrupted when the audience oohed and ahhhed at Kikyo’s entrance. The way he floated across the stage with an elegance of a butterfly and the sultriness of a siren, made Lussuria sick to his stomach. Kikyo winked at the judges, and Lussuria saw Bianchi and Iemitsu clutch her swooning hearts. If Squalo was a flat-chested woman, then Kikyo was a flat-chested vixen. Absolutely sickening.
“If he wins, I’m going to fucking shave his head,” said Squalo with a ferocity in his voice that he only showed to the toughest of enemies.
“What about slashing his throat?” Lussuria asked.
“That comes later.”
Lussuria was going to say something, but Kikyo’s newly-announced score of 99 changed things drastically. Next to him, Squalo was clawing at the line of insanity.
“JESUS CHRIST, WHAT THE-”
Lussuria clamped a gloved hand over Squalo’s mouth as Kikyo took his place near them with a smug smile plastered on his face.
“It’s okay,” Lussuria whispered in Squalo’s ear. “We still have the scores from Round 1, so he’s still in last place. As long as we don’t do any worse for the interviewing portion, there’s no way he can win.”
Squalo stilled and nodded. And Lussuria once again kicked himself for keeping Squalo in the competition.
For the last round, the contestants had to line up in the middle of the stage and answer questions posed by the judges by drawing their names out of a box. There would be no announcement of the individual scores for this round; instead, those scores would be tallied with the other ones and the winner crowned at the end.
“Ushishishi, show us some legs!” yelled out a voice that sounded suspiciously like Bel’s. The rest of the audience followed suit and began to chant for legs.
Lussuria froze in place, afraid of being disqualified. Kikyo, however, appeased the crowd with his sparkling smile and pulled up his dress to his thigh, revealing perfectly shaved legs. Lussuria shook his head at the unmanliness.
The crowd quickly became a thunderous echo, but was abruptly silenced when Hibari raced up on the stage to give a menacing look and his characteristic threat.
Lussuria kicked off the last round by drawing Bianchi’s name.
Bianchi cleared her throat and put the microphone up to her pink lips. “Lussuria, how would you describe sex appeal?”
Lussuria snorted. What kind of question was that? “That’s easy. I am sex appeal. You see, to be sexy, you have to be yourself. No fake hands,” he looked at Squalo who flipped him off. “No fake hair,” he looked at Kikyo who gasped melodramatically in return. “Just 100% you. With a nice, toned body.”
He bowed to the judges and walked back to his place.
Next, Squalo got Fuuta’s question: “If you were writing an autobiography, what would you title it?”
Squalo took his time thinking, tapping a finger to his mouth once, twice, thirteen times.
“Shark Tale,” he finally answered.
The awkward silence that followed seemed much longer than Squalo’s thinking. Lussuria didn’t think it was a bad answer.
“Is that it?” asked Fuuta.
“Yeah. Got a problem with that?”
“Well, there’s already a movie by the same title,” said Fuuta.
Squalo’s eyes narrowed. “Seriously? What the holy flying daffodil? They took my autobiography, those fuckers!”
This time, Lussuria remembered to stay out of Squalo’s trouble. He just smiled and nodded.
“Fuck this!” muttered Squalo as he returned to his spot between Lussuria and Kikyo.
“Iemitsu,” said Reborn when Kikyo approached the microphone, “what is your question to Kikyo?”
“Just to be clear,” Kikyo interrupted, “my hair is not fake.”
Iemitsu raised an eyebrow. “Uh, okay. So my question is this: if you had an hour everyday to do whatever you wanted, what would you do?”
Kikyo fell silent for a few moments. Then he took a deep breath and answered, “Well, I am in the mafia. And what I want is to serve my Family. Nothing less. I would use that hour to do whatever is needed of me because my Family is my sun, my breath, my life. Forever and beyond.”
“Bullshit, he’s lying,” groaned Squalo. “No one’s going to believe that hunk of crap.”
Lussuria glanced over at the judges’ table where Bianchi and Fuuta were wiping tears away from their eyes and Iemitsu was nodding happily. He didn’t feel like breaking the impending bad news to Squalo just yet.
After a brief judges’ convention, Fuuta handed Reborn an envelope with their decision. Reborn opens it up and smirks.
“The second runner-up, or loser, as we call it, is Squalo.”
Some amongst the crowd booed at the result. Squalo, as Lussuria expected, transformed into a wild tempest. Every curse word in the dictionary rolled off his tongue. Three times. It would have been four times if Hibari hadn’t hauled him out.
Now that Lussuria and Kikyo were left onstage, Lussuria couldn’t shake off the feeling of defeat. Throughout the pageant, the judges seemed to have a different definition of beauty that bordered on disgusting. Perhaps it wasn’t Lussuria’s day.
When the audience quieted down, Reborn continued with the results. “The first runner-up is…"
Lussuria steadied his racing heart and quickly thought of several poses to do when his name was called.
"... Kikyo, which means that Lussuria is the winner.”
“What?” gasped Lussuria. “I… won? I won! Oh, my God, I can’t believe it!” He jumped up and down, not staying still long enough for the former winner to pin the crown on his head.
Kikyo stomped his foot. “No way! I was perfect! I even made the judges cry! I should’ve won!”
Squalo came back on the stage and demanded to know why he was beaten by a makeup bastard with fake hair.
“This is an outrage!” he roared. “Look at this guy - he looks like a mermaid on crack! I demand a recount!”
Reborn shrugged and explained that although non-Vongola members can participate in the pageant for the sake of fun (given they were recommended by someone in the Vongola), only Vongola members can win. After all, it was in the fine print in the application form.
But Lussuria didn’t really care about the fine print or whatever. He was victorious, and he was beautiful.
And all was good.