the children of the revolution
it is good to be in germany, though i could have waited another day easilly, after all, it is only a train ride from home, but it was good to be here and be on the ice.
some how i have managed to clam up and not talk to anyone. it is...sad since i am seeing all of my friends around me and i cannot say anything. it is like everyone is speaking a foreign language and i do not wish to call attention to myself.
alright, so everyone is speaking a foreign langauge, but that is not the point.
i spent the day on ice and have been in the hotel since, mostly staring at the ceiling and wondering why i cannot seem to approach anyone, not even my teammates. like brian smiled and waved at me today and i just shyed away like...like i was mad or hurt by him or something and i'm not...
i'm jealous i think.
non, i know i am, because i see...i see everyone around me in happy relationships, even those in turbulant ones are somehow still happy and then there's...me. And it was fine...until Elodie left...until i see her sitting in the stands with vincent...watching the practice, see stanick sitting next to her and my mind construes him as flirting with her even though i know that would never be the case, but still i see it and...i feel betrayed. and, well, i have been. not by my childhood comrade, non not him, he has been a perfect angel throughout all of this which amazes me and gladdens me. i would've started ignoring me a long time ago...but by my teammate. if the spineless wretch was competing, he'd be out in the quals...as it is, he isn't and i'm tempted to go after him barehanded. but...i won't. so i sit here and stare at the screen and contemplate the satisfaction i'd get from feeling his face underneath my fist.
and if you're surprised by that statement, you should be. it's not a very me thing to say...not a very me thing to think...but then again right now i'm not very me.
mon dieu, why did she have to come here...why did she have to collapse me like this...it's too soon for me to be strong in her presance...
i'm afraid...
i want to curl up and cry but there is no one here.
everyone with their other half
and me...
staring at an empty space next to me...
some how i have managed to clam up and not talk to anyone. it is...sad since i am seeing all of my friends around me and i cannot say anything. it is like everyone is speaking a foreign language and i do not wish to call attention to myself.
alright, so everyone is speaking a foreign langauge, but that is not the point.
i spent the day on ice and have been in the hotel since, mostly staring at the ceiling and wondering why i cannot seem to approach anyone, not even my teammates. like brian smiled and waved at me today and i just shyed away like...like i was mad or hurt by him or something and i'm not...
i'm jealous i think.
non, i know i am, because i see...i see everyone around me in happy relationships, even those in turbulant ones are somehow still happy and then there's...me. And it was fine...until Elodie left...until i see her sitting in the stands with vincent...watching the practice, see stanick sitting next to her and my mind construes him as flirting with her even though i know that would never be the case, but still i see it and...i feel betrayed. and, well, i have been. not by my childhood comrade, non not him, he has been a perfect angel throughout all of this which amazes me and gladdens me. i would've started ignoring me a long time ago...but by my teammate. if the spineless wretch was competing, he'd be out in the quals...as it is, he isn't and i'm tempted to go after him barehanded. but...i won't. so i sit here and stare at the screen and contemplate the satisfaction i'd get from feeling his face underneath my fist.
and if you're surprised by that statement, you should be. it's not a very me thing to say...not a very me thing to think...but then again right now i'm not very me.
mon dieu, why did she have to come here...why did she have to collapse me like this...it's too soon for me to be strong in her presance...
i'm afraid...
i want to curl up and cry but there is no one here.
everyone with their other half
and me...
staring at an empty space next to me...