it is 2:26 am...
do you know where your children are?...
i don't want to go back to school.
i don't want to stay at home.
i think i just wanna disappear and go travel somewhere. like africa.
just selll all my shit and pack what i need and leave.
not warn anybody.
maybe my parents.
maybe if i travel i'll forget all the crap that's bothering me.
maybe i'll find someone to really care about.
maybe i'll go help people and stop being so fucking selfish all the time.
maybe maybe maybe.
i can't even decide wether or not i should make the effort to get up and pee, how can i decide wether to throw my whole life off kilter.
i've just become really unsure of everything lately.
i don't know if i am making the right decisions.
if i am being the right kind of person.
if there is a wrong kind of person to be.
i hated the idea of you today.
it made me nauseus.
i cant spell nauseus.
but thats what happened today with you.
and you had no idea...
i hated seeing you today.
and the fact that you ignored me.
it mademy flesh crawl knowing there was such weird tension.
i hate you for it
and you had no idea...
talking to you almost freaked me out the most.
you sounded errily familiar yet so different.
all i wanted was for it to be over.
and i think you might have figured it out....
its almost like i want to leave here and just start a new life.
just pack up and let go of everyone and everything that is familiar and have a new exciting life full of new people and new adventures.
but i guess i missed my chance with that one. that was supposed to be college.
whoops.
there is no easy way to say this other that, you're suffocating me.
everything you do makes me sick.
everytime you talk i want you to shut up.
everytime something is wrong you make me want to blame myself,
i hate you for it.
i wishi could have fixed all this freshman year.
if i had more courage, everything would be fin now.
but i cant think of it like that.
look forward, right?
whatever.
i just hate being alone. and lonely.
especially when i am surrounded by people.
i have being invisable.
or the only one who will visable show how uncomfortable she is with herself.
i'm so awkward.
the worse part is that it all come down to my weight.
everything has made me feel enormous lately.
and everyone.
i wish you would rub it in my face how much better looking you are than me.
that would be super.
and if you could rub in my face how much better your life is while you're at it, life would just be perfect.
thanks. i'm glad you give a fuck.
maybe next time you can tell me again how perfect your life is and make me feel even more like the lowliest human being ever.
awesome.
i use sarcasm as a defense.
i do hate you.
but mostly i am jealous.
of what i dont know since i'd hate your life.
it's so boring and planned.
where's the adventure?
i want romance.
more than anything...
whatever
night.