....
this past week has been so awesome. like insanely good. everything was absolutely wonderful until about 11 last night. wow. its funny how one person can fuck up your mind and say such things that make you want to just die on the spot. its actually not funny. just insane. and painful.
and it made me think.
i suck as a person.
apparently i have too much fun in life becuase i go out there and try things and dont sit in a shell and never try anything new.
im sorry that i've had sex, thats my own fault i admit. i was sweet talked into it. and i hate myself already for it. thanks for making me feel better about it asshole.
and im also sorry that i smoked. because apparently i have the ability not to. when you have NO IDEA what i have and dont have. you dont even know me. or any of the curcumstances in which ive done anything. so thats just too damn bad for you.
and im sorry i ever started to talk to you. you are vain, and arrogant, and as shallow as anyone i have ever met.
i knew you were like that and yet i still pursued your friendship. what was i thinking?!? everything you are hates everything i am!
your vainity and shallowness makes someone who has never seen someone else still able to think they are disgusting.
and you think because you've never done anything you're a better person then me. thats nice. maybe you are.
its just all my own fault i guess.
i jsut wish dave had answered his phone last night. becuase i needed someone who doesnt think im a terrible person so badly that it hurt last night. maybe thats why i laid in bed all today imagining how nice things would be if i was different. if i was beautiful. and small. and a better person. but im not those things. so i guess all i can do now is deal with what i really am. no matter how much it makes me want to die.
its just not fair that one person who doesnt really even know me could make me feel so hurt.
and its not fair that anything that goes right, instantly goes wrong after.
and i wish he would realize i dont have cooties and that all i want is to be friends and that what happened wasnt a big deal. it was one night. and nothing bad even happened. and i just think its stupid to make it a big deal. so what if i like you and kinda instigated it. you went along with it....
oh well.
sorry about this post guys. i just needed to get it all out.