Five Years
I don't even know why i'm posting to this journal...Other than it probably gets the most visability among my friends... If they are even still around. I didn't want to post it to Facebook...and it's too long to disappear on Twitter. I could have posted it to my Sevillad Journal... but it doesn't seem fitting there either because it is something from a past life. (wow I still remember how to do LJ HTML...)
So This is the first year I completely forgot about her... It's funny this weekend I was wandering around the house thinking I should post something to her Wall on Facebook cause I missed her... it was random and had nothing to do with today. Today someone posted to the group "Lauren Mccain beat me to heaven" and I was like awww that's sweet... but even then it didn't click. Then on the side of the group I saw one of my friends had changed her profile pic to the ribbon... and even then it didn't click... I thought facebook must be screwy since I was on a VA Tech memorial page.. it KIND of made sense... but then Clicking over to my friend's profile I realized she had actually changed her pic to the ribbon and suddenly I felt horrible... Not sad cause I miss Lauren but sad that I completely forgot.
This is the FIRST year I haven't planned the night before to wear the SAME ribbon I wore 5 years ago... I have kept it in near mint condition and it makes me feel closer I guess.. In fact this weekend while cleaning off my dressor the ribbon was buried under some clothes and I looked at it without much thought at all. Was it trying to remind me?
I have a doctor's appointment today and when I made the appointment two weeks ago I consciously remember telling myself that it was an important day, but not remembering why... I almost didn't make the appointment cause I could have SWORE there was something I had to do.
It has been Five years... and I can not really remember how I felt that day... It's been five years and I suddenly realized I was a 19 year old lost at the first REAL loss of my life. I had lost grandparents and seen friends lose friends, but I never quite got it until Lauren. Not only that but she led to the death every year afterwards. Brent came the next year and my pastor the next.. and my Grandfather the next. She paved the way for me to experience loss. I was 19... I spent two days in hell... I spent a week in Mourning... The next year I spent two days in mourning and slowly it's just been a little prayer that I haven't forgotten her... Only this time.... I have. I was 19 years old... and somehow it shaped me.
I was so grateful that it wasn't some others I knew who went there yet we have all fallen apart since. Would I have stayed around if she were still here? Would I be married to Philip Z by this point? Or Max? Who knows... I don't know.
I could have gone to Tech... i SHOULD have gone to Tech... that Wait list letter pissed me off SOOO much that I felt inadequete. I didn't even resubmit my application.. instead I burned it and pretended I never applied...
It's been five years... and I forgot... Somehow I feel like this is suppose to be a good omen or something about me letting go finally... but part of me wonders if I stopped caring... Everyone else forgot after one year.... I just forgot after 5.... Part of me feels empty without that ribbon... part of me feels free.
So This is the first year I completely forgot about her... It's funny this weekend I was wandering around the house thinking I should post something to her Wall on Facebook cause I missed her... it was random and had nothing to do with today. Today someone posted to the group "Lauren Mccain beat me to heaven" and I was like awww that's sweet... but even then it didn't click. Then on the side of the group I saw one of my friends had changed her profile pic to the ribbon... and even then it didn't click... I thought facebook must be screwy since I was on a VA Tech memorial page.. it KIND of made sense... but then Clicking over to my friend's profile I realized she had actually changed her pic to the ribbon and suddenly I felt horrible... Not sad cause I miss Lauren but sad that I completely forgot.
This is the FIRST year I haven't planned the night before to wear the SAME ribbon I wore 5 years ago... I have kept it in near mint condition and it makes me feel closer I guess.. In fact this weekend while cleaning off my dressor the ribbon was buried under some clothes and I looked at it without much thought at all. Was it trying to remind me?
I have a doctor's appointment today and when I made the appointment two weeks ago I consciously remember telling myself that it was an important day, but not remembering why... I almost didn't make the appointment cause I could have SWORE there was something I had to do.
It has been Five years... and I can not really remember how I felt that day... It's been five years and I suddenly realized I was a 19 year old lost at the first REAL loss of my life. I had lost grandparents and seen friends lose friends, but I never quite got it until Lauren. Not only that but she led to the death every year afterwards. Brent came the next year and my pastor the next.. and my Grandfather the next. She paved the way for me to experience loss. I was 19... I spent two days in hell... I spent a week in Mourning... The next year I spent two days in mourning and slowly it's just been a little prayer that I haven't forgotten her... Only this time.... I have. I was 19 years old... and somehow it shaped me.
I was so grateful that it wasn't some others I knew who went there yet we have all fallen apart since. Would I have stayed around if she were still here? Would I be married to Philip Z by this point? Or Max? Who knows... I don't know.
I could have gone to Tech... i SHOULD have gone to Tech... that Wait list letter pissed me off SOOO much that I felt inadequete. I didn't even resubmit my application.. instead I burned it and pretended I never applied...
It's been five years... and I forgot... Somehow I feel like this is suppose to be a good omen or something about me letting go finally... but part of me wonders if I stopped caring... Everyone else forgot after one year.... I just forgot after 5.... Part of me feels empty without that ribbon... part of me feels free.