What the shit. WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT!
Holy shit.
I went from here to GreatestJournal, and now I'm back. Sorta. A lot of stuff has been happening to me since April. Mainly the fact that my boyfriend now has cancer, and the doctors aren't sure if he'll survive.
It's been hell on me. I love Quentin like I've not loved anyone else in my life. He's the air I breathe, the food I eat, the bed I lay in, the music that I listen to, the sensible to my irrational. And as much as I try to tell him, it doesn't come out how it should. Instead of saying, "Quentin, I love you more than my life. I would do anything for you," I say, "Quentin...I...I..just...need you!" The idea of never seeing him again kills me.
He was my first, and I wanted him to be my only. I mean, that's how serious that shit is. I love to fuck, but I only wanted him for me. I wanted to be the mother of his kids, and I wanted to move into a house with him. I wanted to wake up to him every morning, knowing full well he would still be asleep when I awoke because he'd prolly have been spinning at some club until the wee hours of the morning. I wanted to grow old with him. Granted, he'd get old before I do....but still! It's SO fucking unfair. I find the guy I've always wanted, and now he might be taken from me.
And it's not like I can do something to take my mind off of it, you know? He's in everything I do and see and listen to. The music. My room. The people I interact with.
Yesterday....he asked if it would maybe be better if we put our relationship on another level, a lesser one. Something not as serious as being girlfriend and boyfriend, but something more than being a friend. What my Quentin doesn't understand is that knowing that he's not mine anymore would kill me. Knowin that I can be "free" to date and fuck other men.............I think that's what brought him to that idea. Sex is important to me, and I kept having these urges to screw guys because Quentin doesn't really want to anymore. I totally understand why he feels that way...but my body doesn't. He doesn't understand that even though I have those urges, there's no other man I'd really want to be with in that way. I don't want anyone else to make me laugh, no one else to make me smile, no one else to hold me, no one else to listen to me after I've had a long day, no one else to tell me about all the new hip hop, no one else to give me THE MOTHERFUCKING FEELING THAT ONLY QUWNTIN CAN GIVE!!!!!!!!!!
God. Quentin, I love you. And it makes me sick to think that you'd want to lessen what we have. If I'm not your girlfriend, I can't be around you as often. But then, I can't be away from you. Not being with you would just put me in limbo. I'd be tortured because I know we're not together and that leaves me open to whoever wants me. But, I honestly don't think anyone could want me the way you do. I actually believe that you want me around, and that I actually do make you smile, in a genuine way. I don't feel like you've ever lied to me, or been deceptive in general. I can't say that about everyone, but it comforts me that I can say it about you. Not being with you is going to hurt me so much. I just want to hold on for as long as I can......but DAMN, you cannot really expect me to call you and come over as much as I do when and if we sever the ties we have now. You can't possibly expect me to kiss you and rub your back and run and do everything for you when I'm only your friend. But, I'll be damned if I don't love to do those things for you......Anything to keep you comfortable, sweetie. That's all it is. You say you're a burden to me, that couldn't be farther from the truth. I do what I have to do when I need to do it, and you've never come in the way of that. I don't want to wake up to anyone else, not yet. And I know you want to have more kids than Amir, but what the hell can I do about that? As much as I would love to be pregnant with your child, and to have you near me when I deliver the precious baby named Quentin the III into this world, I don't know that it will happen. If it causes you so much pain, Quentin, to know that we might not have kids, than...I don't know what to tell you baby. Like I asked you yesterday, you need to ask yourself if the thing is 1) You want to just have kids to keep your line going? or 2) You want to have kids with me? It's starting to seem like you just want to have kids............Oh, but I do want to have a little Quentin running around, thinking as you did, just to hear him (or her) say, "Ma, you're too emotional." I know I'm jumping all over the place, but I'm just writing out my thoughts as they come to me. Try to make sense of it, boy. Please understand one thing: I love you immensely. You mean everything to me. If holding me in your arms pains you...well, maybe I do have to go away. *shrugs* But Quentin, something I don't understand is why you want to lessen our relationship but still see me as frequently as you do now?! Just because I suddenly don't have the title of "girlfriend" all feeling to have kids with me dissipates as well? I don't understand that. I don't know how to turn down all my love and desire to have you around. Yeah, you could say it's because I'm only 19, and I have a long way to go on this road called life...but fuck, I know my heart and my emotions, I don't know HOW to control those. Let's say we do get into that gray area between friendship and relationship, I could smile in your face and tell you, "Yeah, Quentin, I've been great since we've stop being a couple. I screwed a few guys last week. Didn't make love to any of them, in fact, they didn't really mean that much to me. But yeah, I'm doing SWELL." But inside, I'd be a ball of yarn about to come apart. I may seem strong sometimes, Quentin, but I'm really not always that way, baby. Please understand that. You're asking me to do something that would cause me pain....but I'm also asking you to do something that would cause you pain. Where can we go from here? The simplest answer is probably the best one..................
I went from here to GreatestJournal, and now I'm back. Sorta. A lot of stuff has been happening to me since April. Mainly the fact that my boyfriend now has cancer, and the doctors aren't sure if he'll survive.
It's been hell on me. I love Quentin like I've not loved anyone else in my life. He's the air I breathe, the food I eat, the bed I lay in, the music that I listen to, the sensible to my irrational. And as much as I try to tell him, it doesn't come out how it should. Instead of saying, "Quentin, I love you more than my life. I would do anything for you," I say, "Quentin...I...I..just...need you!" The idea of never seeing him again kills me.
He was my first, and I wanted him to be my only. I mean, that's how serious that shit is. I love to fuck, but I only wanted him for me. I wanted to be the mother of his kids, and I wanted to move into a house with him. I wanted to wake up to him every morning, knowing full well he would still be asleep when I awoke because he'd prolly have been spinning at some club until the wee hours of the morning. I wanted to grow old with him. Granted, he'd get old before I do....but still! It's SO fucking unfair. I find the guy I've always wanted, and now he might be taken from me.
And it's not like I can do something to take my mind off of it, you know? He's in everything I do and see and listen to. The music. My room. The people I interact with.
Yesterday....he asked if it would maybe be better if we put our relationship on another level, a lesser one. Something not as serious as being girlfriend and boyfriend, but something more than being a friend. What my Quentin doesn't understand is that knowing that he's not mine anymore would kill me. Knowin that I can be "free" to date and fuck other men.............I think that's what brought him to that idea. Sex is important to me, and I kept having these urges to screw guys because Quentin doesn't really want to anymore. I totally understand why he feels that way...but my body doesn't. He doesn't understand that even though I have those urges, there's no other man I'd really want to be with in that way. I don't want anyone else to make me laugh, no one else to make me smile, no one else to hold me, no one else to listen to me after I've had a long day, no one else to tell me about all the new hip hop, no one else to give me THE MOTHERFUCKING FEELING THAT ONLY QUWNTIN CAN GIVE!!!!!!!!!!
God. Quentin, I love you. And it makes me sick to think that you'd want to lessen what we have. If I'm not your girlfriend, I can't be around you as often. But then, I can't be away from you. Not being with you would just put me in limbo. I'd be tortured because I know we're not together and that leaves me open to whoever wants me. But, I honestly don't think anyone could want me the way you do. I actually believe that you want me around, and that I actually do make you smile, in a genuine way. I don't feel like you've ever lied to me, or been deceptive in general. I can't say that about everyone, but it comforts me that I can say it about you. Not being with you is going to hurt me so much. I just want to hold on for as long as I can......but DAMN, you cannot really expect me to call you and come over as much as I do when and if we sever the ties we have now. You can't possibly expect me to kiss you and rub your back and run and do everything for you when I'm only your friend. But, I'll be damned if I don't love to do those things for you......Anything to keep you comfortable, sweetie. That's all it is. You say you're a burden to me, that couldn't be farther from the truth. I do what I have to do when I need to do it, and you've never come in the way of that. I don't want to wake up to anyone else, not yet. And I know you want to have more kids than Amir, but what the hell can I do about that? As much as I would love to be pregnant with your child, and to have you near me when I deliver the precious baby named Quentin the III into this world, I don't know that it will happen. If it causes you so much pain, Quentin, to know that we might not have kids, than...I don't know what to tell you baby. Like I asked you yesterday, you need to ask yourself if the thing is 1) You want to just have kids to keep your line going? or 2) You want to have kids with me? It's starting to seem like you just want to have kids............Oh, but I do want to have a little Quentin running around, thinking as you did, just to hear him (or her) say, "Ma, you're too emotional." I know I'm jumping all over the place, but I'm just writing out my thoughts as they come to me. Try to make sense of it, boy. Please understand one thing: I love you immensely. You mean everything to me. If holding me in your arms pains you...well, maybe I do have to go away. *shrugs* But Quentin, something I don't understand is why you want to lessen our relationship but still see me as frequently as you do now?! Just because I suddenly don't have the title of "girlfriend" all feeling to have kids with me dissipates as well? I don't understand that. I don't know how to turn down all my love and desire to have you around. Yeah, you could say it's because I'm only 19, and I have a long way to go on this road called life...but fuck, I know my heart and my emotions, I don't know HOW to control those. Let's say we do get into that gray area between friendship and relationship, I could smile in your face and tell you, "Yeah, Quentin, I've been great since we've stop being a couple. I screwed a few guys last week. Didn't make love to any of them, in fact, they didn't really mean that much to me. But yeah, I'm doing SWELL." But inside, I'd be a ball of yarn about to come apart. I may seem strong sometimes, Quentin, but I'm really not always that way, baby. Please understand that. You're asking me to do something that would cause me pain....but I'm also asking you to do something that would cause you pain. Where can we go from here? The simplest answer is probably the best one..................