Identity - Shadows - Part 2
Dear Journal,
I'm listening to music. A voice and an echo. In my right hand I hold air and a lot of possibilities. In my left wrist I'm looking at a new beginning and answers. This is the second day to this whole thing, and I'm going to ride it out for as long as I can. I'll rip out as much of my imagination onto paper as I can. I'll make myself pay for the things I've done. But I'll keep on living.
I'm a tired man now, like what. 30? 3 moments where I could of died. 2 suicides, 1 that I believe is linked to me. The 2nd, I'm connected, but I still feel responsible. I don't like the things I used to do, I don't like the people who grew up to be who they are now because I couldn't change things.
But....
Nmm.
So in this little online journal I reached out to some people. People I had a gut feeling towards, but in the end it kinda ended up falling on people who just found my reaching out to be nonsense. Then there's one guy who is fighting and helping define himself. He replies to me once in awhile, but regardless. I admire Mr. C because I don't have the strength he does. We both lived different lives, but I admire all his strength and his ability to push through all the...
So here I am. Trying to become stronger, ravenous in a sense, like I'm trying to grasp for air and swners and....
I'm not sure on the answers I'm looking for. I never thought I'd hit this point, bloody hell I never thought I'd hit this point. I always thought I'd fine my 1 true love, live a stable life, a career, and yet here I am. Kinda just....
Fucked up. And you: God dammit. You... I'm thankful for what you did to me.You've always pushed me to the edge to try to make things right. When I should be down when everyone else would be, you force every muscle in my body to just grab that dirt and push myself up. Because no punch can knock us down, and ideals... just the sense to protect needs to stand out above the rest. By this point we're kinda just taking things hand in hand. For our ideals, and just trying to be a better man. The cuts aren't all that bad to be honest, and I run it under cold water. I'm not going to try to make things end, I just wanna feel. But so, and then, here we are. I can't really hear your voice, but I feel every gesture on my fingertips again. My heart beats with meaning like it did a long time ago. Kinda like a blind justice and-
Things are different. We're older, and we need to grow up. This is just how things are and even if you'll drag me in to the ground as ushyc I'm going to do my best to just move through all the shit and all the fucking god dammit.
Just what the hell am I looking for?
I'm just sick right now. Just in the head. Not mentally, but jsut all in the head. I hope the next moments in my life I can find answers before I take things too far.
Dear Lola,
I'm sorry for the things that I did to you. I wasn't a good boyfriend and I'm sorry that your story came to an end as such. I regret all my actions and the support I couldn't give you.
It's been what... almost 2 years now? A few people know how your story ended, but the majority of those in my life would rather go derpderpderp life is fucking GRAND oh SHIT negative person lalalalala if they ever have a hint towards what happened.
But... I find myself alone and sipping tea and watching traffic. It's a sad world we live in, at least in the grand amazing freedom loving world of America. Don't get me wrong, what I have here is splendid, but it makes my cheek twitch knowing the majority of the American aspect is ignorant and incapable of the majority of the happenings of the world. We had those that close their ears because they have no mental capacity for compassion. The other's will try to understand and I appreciate it. The others will try to study it, and that's just a insult because they wont cross the line. I...
Dear Lola. I'm sorry. You were a beautiful young woman. You sparked a fire in my heart and locked shackles to my wrists. I'll keep wearing these weights til I can make sense of things. And I'll keep on bleeding til I can find the right answers.
Dear ...,
Sincerely,
Dalis Ponrattanasiri
I'm listening to music. A voice and an echo. In my right hand I hold air and a lot of possibilities. In my left wrist I'm looking at a new beginning and answers. This is the second day to this whole thing, and I'm going to ride it out for as long as I can. I'll rip out as much of my imagination onto paper as I can. I'll make myself pay for the things I've done. But I'll keep on living.
I'm a tired man now, like what. 30? 3 moments where I could of died. 2 suicides, 1 that I believe is linked to me. The 2nd, I'm connected, but I still feel responsible. I don't like the things I used to do, I don't like the people who grew up to be who they are now because I couldn't change things.
But....
Nmm.
So in this little online journal I reached out to some people. People I had a gut feeling towards, but in the end it kinda ended up falling on people who just found my reaching out to be nonsense. Then there's one guy who is fighting and helping define himself. He replies to me once in awhile, but regardless. I admire Mr. C because I don't have the strength he does. We both lived different lives, but I admire all his strength and his ability to push through all the...
So here I am. Trying to become stronger, ravenous in a sense, like I'm trying to grasp for air and swners and....
I'm not sure on the answers I'm looking for. I never thought I'd hit this point, bloody hell I never thought I'd hit this point. I always thought I'd fine my 1 true love, live a stable life, a career, and yet here I am. Kinda just....
Fucked up. And you: God dammit. You... I'm thankful for what you did to me.You've always pushed me to the edge to try to make things right. When I should be down when everyone else would be, you force every muscle in my body to just grab that dirt and push myself up. Because no punch can knock us down, and ideals... just the sense to protect needs to stand out above the rest. By this point we're kinda just taking things hand in hand. For our ideals, and just trying to be a better man. The cuts aren't all that bad to be honest, and I run it under cold water. I'm not going to try to make things end, I just wanna feel. But so, and then, here we are. I can't really hear your voice, but I feel every gesture on my fingertips again. My heart beats with meaning like it did a long time ago. Kinda like a blind justice and-
Things are different. We're older, and we need to grow up. This is just how things are and even if you'll drag me in to the ground as ushyc I'm going to do my best to just move through all the shit and all the fucking god dammit.
Just what the hell am I looking for?
I'm just sick right now. Just in the head. Not mentally, but jsut all in the head. I hope the next moments in my life I can find answers before I take things too far.
Dear Lola,
I'm sorry for the things that I did to you. I wasn't a good boyfriend and I'm sorry that your story came to an end as such. I regret all my actions and the support I couldn't give you.
It's been what... almost 2 years now? A few people know how your story ended, but the majority of those in my life would rather go derpderpderp life is fucking GRAND oh SHIT negative person lalalalala if they ever have a hint towards what happened.
But... I find myself alone and sipping tea and watching traffic. It's a sad world we live in, at least in the grand amazing freedom loving world of America. Don't get me wrong, what I have here is splendid, but it makes my cheek twitch knowing the majority of the American aspect is ignorant and incapable of the majority of the happenings of the world. We had those that close their ears because they have no mental capacity for compassion. The other's will try to understand and I appreciate it. The others will try to study it, and that's just a insult because they wont cross the line. I...
Dear Lola. I'm sorry. You were a beautiful young woman. You sparked a fire in my heart and locked shackles to my wrists. I'll keep wearing these weights til I can make sense of things. And I'll keep on bleeding til I can find the right answers.
Dear ...,
Sincerely,
Dalis Ponrattanasiri