Identity - Shadows
Dear...,
I find myself confessing. Getting drunk. Getting angry. Trying to validate myself through good deeds that no one will ever remember. I don't have any friends here, no one that smile when they see me. Anyone who listens when I'm troubled. Those people are gone, moved away and such. And here I am just trying to grasp onto what ever light I can to keep my from breaking a rule I set for myself.
I went out on a few dates with a girl I met online, brief, and it's obvious she's not looking for a relationship, but for me it's just nice to validate myself by trying to protect her. Help her smile. Help her realize she's special.
This leaves me where? I'm not sure right now. She could care less about getting to know me, a lot of people in my life know nothing about me. I'm just a guy in the background. And oddly enough it's just lonely.
I haven't worked out for a week. I need to get back into it. I'm just sitting here getting fat and miserable.
I stopped a fight between a couple a few nights ago, it's weird. I wish I was in their shoes, just to feel all the passion, the anger, the frustration. I took a hit to the stomach that's still wrecking me, but I didn't fight back. They say the stronger person is the one who doesn't fight back, but takes a breath and continues to try to make things peaceful through words... and it's frustrating because I want to fight back. For what? I don't know...
It's a Saturday I'll make for myself... At least I hope I do.
I keep putting myself in a situation where I get used over and over again. I'll be the emotional venting point for people's grief, the punching bag when people have frustrations and I keep feeling like I deserve it. I'm not sure why at the moment.
But I'll be honest. I wanna drift. Just sort of fade through life and enjoy the flow of it all. I feel lonely and angry. It keeps building. My dream a long time ago was to be remembered. But the reason for how I want to be remembered is becoming concerning.
I'll do my best to keep looking in the mirror and tell myself that I'll keep trying to be a protector. To help people feel secure. To help them smile at any cost.
But shit, it sucks to do all this stuff without validation and I feel like a variable of random events to make things better.
Sometimes it's best to keep doing random acts of kindness because the people need it. Dotheyneedit?
I... hrmph.
I need to think some more about things.
I feel like I'm at a dangerous point in my own sanity. My own validation, my own happiness. I haven't fought back in a long time, for the sake of my own thoughts. My own ideals, and I'm more afraid that I'll lash out at people. Truth is I can't really talk to anyone about this stuff. I want to talk to a psychiatrist but it feels so freakin empty and just a case in the head for them to analyze. I'm not the only one that feels that way though, and for me I keep pushing myself to listen to them. I've messed up once though... and that costed her life. Is it worth it? Trying to listen to people who don't want to reach out to those who are "official"? Argh. Anyways...
Cheers, I'll try to take it easy today. Just drink and be in a floaty mood all day.
Sincerely,
Dalis
I find myself confessing. Getting drunk. Getting angry. Trying to validate myself through good deeds that no one will ever remember. I don't have any friends here, no one that smile when they see me. Anyone who listens when I'm troubled. Those people are gone, moved away and such. And here I am just trying to grasp onto what ever light I can to keep my from breaking a rule I set for myself.
I went out on a few dates with a girl I met online, brief, and it's obvious she's not looking for a relationship, but for me it's just nice to validate myself by trying to protect her. Help her smile. Help her realize she's special.
This leaves me where? I'm not sure right now. She could care less about getting to know me, a lot of people in my life know nothing about me. I'm just a guy in the background. And oddly enough it's just lonely.
I haven't worked out for a week. I need to get back into it. I'm just sitting here getting fat and miserable.
I stopped a fight between a couple a few nights ago, it's weird. I wish I was in their shoes, just to feel all the passion, the anger, the frustration. I took a hit to the stomach that's still wrecking me, but I didn't fight back. They say the stronger person is the one who doesn't fight back, but takes a breath and continues to try to make things peaceful through words... and it's frustrating because I want to fight back. For what? I don't know...
It's a Saturday I'll make for myself... At least I hope I do.
I keep putting myself in a situation where I get used over and over again. I'll be the emotional venting point for people's grief, the punching bag when people have frustrations and I keep feeling like I deserve it. I'm not sure why at the moment.
But I'll be honest. I wanna drift. Just sort of fade through life and enjoy the flow of it all. I feel lonely and angry. It keeps building. My dream a long time ago was to be remembered. But the reason for how I want to be remembered is becoming concerning.
I'll do my best to keep looking in the mirror and tell myself that I'll keep trying to be a protector. To help people feel secure. To help them smile at any cost.
But shit, it sucks to do all this stuff without validation and I feel like a variable of random events to make things better.
Sometimes it's best to keep doing random acts of kindness because the people need it. Dotheyneedit?
I... hrmph.
I need to think some more about things.
I feel like I'm at a dangerous point in my own sanity. My own validation, my own happiness. I haven't fought back in a long time, for the sake of my own thoughts. My own ideals, and I'm more afraid that I'll lash out at people. Truth is I can't really talk to anyone about this stuff. I want to talk to a psychiatrist but it feels so freakin empty and just a case in the head for them to analyze. I'm not the only one that feels that way though, and for me I keep pushing myself to listen to them. I've messed up once though... and that costed her life. Is it worth it? Trying to listen to people who don't want to reach out to those who are "official"? Argh. Anyways...
Cheers, I'll try to take it easy today. Just drink and be in a floaty mood all day.
Sincerely,
Dalis