Identity - Reflection - Part 4
Dear journal,
I think the reason why I keep typing this stuff down is because I need a place to vent. I know the internet in all its glory is just a place where people want to be heard, no matter what the subject. I'll admit I'm no different, and whether or not someone or no one reads these entries is fine by me.
I don't work well with people. It's kind of depressing from time to time, but I also try to twist it to me being me. I've been doing dating sites for... years now? 2 years I think. I'm not entirely sure why I think they'd work for me, but I keep poking at okcupid or gk2gk. I just find myself chatting with people until they eventually lose interest and meet someone else. Hell, I almost never meet anyone from there just because I... really don't know why? Maybe I chat too much, I reply too fast, I'm just not anyone's type. List can go on and on. 2 years of the same routine makes you feel a bit miserable. In the most recent pass I had a chance to meet a really interesting woman and I took her out on a blind date.
Boy did I fuck it up. It really didn't go well as I forced myself to just, not be me. Scrambling to pull out a chair, to open the door for her, etc. Nothing about my movements felt sincere, just forced. It's funny because I do that stuff naturally, but meeting her made me over the top.
It's 3am, I couldn't sleep. I don't know why I'm thinking about all this. I might just be making myself wake up before I start making breakfast and start working out.
I'm anything but ideal, and certainly not stable it seems. Eh, no, that's stating the obvious. I know I make people feel uncomfortable. I have no interest in changing myself so they DO feel comfortable, and I think that's what makes my presence worse.
30 years old. This account's been up since I was in highschool. Damn, I've vented and wiped this thing so many times, and I don't know why I'm back here. Maybe I do it because I feel like I've got nowhere to go and it's kinda like talking to myself. Lately I've stopped talking to myself or to inanimate objects. I think I did it before to make me feel less alone. It worked too! But it seems like I've only exhausted myself.
So. What's next? What am I looking for? People to accept me? To say "Hey Dalis! Want to hang out? We've been waiting for you and can't wait to chill!"
Even I feel uncomfortable around people now, and I've gotten to distrusting people all about me. Kind of a real piece of work since I feel like I've been dumped over and over again. Not just relationship wise, but socially. It's a bit my own fault though.
Do I want to do- what am I looking for in companionship. Hmm no, question.
What's the right question?
I've been losing my ability to talk to my mother again. I should work on that once more.
I have that annuel review coming up.
I want to wander Boulder like I used to, but I need to be careful. I've been drinking a lot lately. I've been working out a lot too, but I've been drinking and it may be off settings things.
Do I want to look for a support group> And what for? Is it just me seeking out attention again?
I don't like me - So how can I live with me?
Naw, a better question just popped in my head.
I used to like me. So what happened? What happened to that strength. Can I recover it? Why am I doing these things to myself?
What is my strength? What did I lose, to make me hate myself so much.
First thing that came to mind was my own self respect. I should think about this some more.
Sincerely,
Dalis
I think the reason why I keep typing this stuff down is because I need a place to vent. I know the internet in all its glory is just a place where people want to be heard, no matter what the subject. I'll admit I'm no different, and whether or not someone or no one reads these entries is fine by me.
I don't work well with people. It's kind of depressing from time to time, but I also try to twist it to me being me. I've been doing dating sites for... years now? 2 years I think. I'm not entirely sure why I think they'd work for me, but I keep poking at okcupid or gk2gk. I just find myself chatting with people until they eventually lose interest and meet someone else. Hell, I almost never meet anyone from there just because I... really don't know why? Maybe I chat too much, I reply too fast, I'm just not anyone's type. List can go on and on. 2 years of the same routine makes you feel a bit miserable. In the most recent pass I had a chance to meet a really interesting woman and I took her out on a blind date.
Boy did I fuck it up. It really didn't go well as I forced myself to just, not be me. Scrambling to pull out a chair, to open the door for her, etc. Nothing about my movements felt sincere, just forced. It's funny because I do that stuff naturally, but meeting her made me over the top.
It's 3am, I couldn't sleep. I don't know why I'm thinking about all this. I might just be making myself wake up before I start making breakfast and start working out.
I'm anything but ideal, and certainly not stable it seems. Eh, no, that's stating the obvious. I know I make people feel uncomfortable. I have no interest in changing myself so they DO feel comfortable, and I think that's what makes my presence worse.
30 years old. This account's been up since I was in highschool. Damn, I've vented and wiped this thing so many times, and I don't know why I'm back here. Maybe I do it because I feel like I've got nowhere to go and it's kinda like talking to myself. Lately I've stopped talking to myself or to inanimate objects. I think I did it before to make me feel less alone. It worked too! But it seems like I've only exhausted myself.
So. What's next? What am I looking for? People to accept me? To say "Hey Dalis! Want to hang out? We've been waiting for you and can't wait to chill!"
Even I feel uncomfortable around people now, and I've gotten to distrusting people all about me. Kind of a real piece of work since I feel like I've been dumped over and over again. Not just relationship wise, but socially. It's a bit my own fault though.
Do I want to do- what am I looking for in companionship. Hmm no, question.
What's the right question?
I've been losing my ability to talk to my mother again. I should work on that once more.
I have that annuel review coming up.
I want to wander Boulder like I used to, but I need to be careful. I've been drinking a lot lately. I've been working out a lot too, but I've been drinking and it may be off settings things.
Do I want to look for a support group> And what for? Is it just me seeking out attention again?
I don't like me - So how can I live with me?
Naw, a better question just popped in my head.
I used to like me. So what happened? What happened to that strength. Can I recover it? Why am I doing these things to myself?
What is my strength? What did I lose, to make me hate myself so much.
First thing that came to mind was my own self respect. I should think about this some more.
Sincerely,
Dalis