He ain's heavy, he's my brother~
Well, I wrote this 'essay' about 3 weeks ago~ a few days after Happi-kun's birthday (26/2). Some of you have heard about him~ i know, it gets scary. but heck, it's nothing bad abt loving your own brother, as a BROTHER right? Maybe thru this essay, u'll the reasons why i always wanted to include him close to my heart, after my twin sister~
I’m now in my 4th week after starting my semi-hiatus~ and also being away from my family. A few nights ago, Happi-kun called me for the first time after I left home. He told me that the whole family (except me, of course) is going to celebrate his birthday, which falls on the next day. I nearly forgot about his birthday, to tell you the truth. I’ve been thinking about his birthday since a few months ago, but after I went back to Johor, I forgot about a lot of things. I wished him, and went on with my life.
As I was happily getting on with my life today, I was suddenly struck by ‘lightning’. Happi-kun has turned ‘hatachi’ a few days ago!!!
Why is that revelation so important to me? It was just after getting caught in the ‘storm’, that I started to feel the importance of that ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ event. It is, after all the symbol of maturity (or in my made up Janglish term; ‘otona’ness) for Japanese and that include our 5 boys, right?
There are a lot of times when I think about how cool it is to be related to one of the boys (e.g: being Sho’s sister, or maybe be one of the boys’ cousins). It’s because I want to see how they were, growing up and being with family members. Then I realized that if I want to switch lives with anyone else just to achieve that ‘impossible’ dream, I will have to live my life not knowing Happi-kun, my only youngest brother. I shuddered at that thought. Sure, he’s not a famous celebrity~ but he does have ‘star qualities’ (which are certainly not inherited from me)
And so I decided to dedicate this entry to his ‘existence in my life’, in conjunction to his ‘coming-of-age’. Some might think that it’s weird for a sister to write about her brother like this. If that is so, then why is it natural to write about other guys that have no relation to us? (Here I blame myself on constant spazzing about Arashi in my previous entries and comments on others’ LJs). Haha~ don’t worry, this entry will still have all those Arashi-related references. As if I’m going to ‘ignore’ them for the sake of my brother. Fat chance~ XD
Er Ist Mein Bruder~
25th February 1986 - I got crowned as ‘big sister’ on this day~ which also means I lose all those special privileges being 7-minutes later than my twin. Shucks, I hated him already~
1986 - 1989 - During the first 3 years, I couldn’t remember most things happening during this time. I was only 4 years younger older than Happi-kun, and so my sisterly instincts weren’t kicking in as it should be. I remembered him as this cute, chubby, wide-eyed Chinese baby. Mom revealed to me much later that I once tried to choke him with small sticks, and then try to ‘piggy-ride’ on his back. Mom couldn’t recall which twin was the culprit, but I’m positively sure it was me. I used to be one of the ‘Kachang’ species, evolving to be a more-behaved (though still a big-mouthed person).
1989 - 1992 - The baby has grown into still cuter munchkin. He’s won so many hearts with his warmth and his generosity with his smiles. I don’t think there’s anybody who’d want to pass the chance to cuddle him. A lot of my parents’ friends said that they wanted to make Happi-kun their future-son-in-law (Haha, he was such a heart-breaker at a very young age, I tell you~). It seemed that nothing could vex him, and he would be contented either in playing with other kids or playing alone quietly. That should be such a good behaviour for kids his age, except the fact he always seemed to disappear under my parents’ nose. He was not afraid of anything, even of the dark. Once the front gate was accidentally left opened, and off he went outside to the pitch black surrounding. On another memorable occasion, Mom and Dad brought him to go shopping in Singapore (without Lina and I =/). There he decided to play ‘hide and seek’. Worried sick, my parents searched high and low for him, till they saw him squatting near one of the shopping carts. I remembered the same happened a few times when we went for night-market outings in Jalan Tunku Abdul Rahman. Apparently he was eyeing things that caught his eyes (like some toys or foods) and he stayed at the same spot, hoping that the seller would give the object of admiration to him.
My mom didn’t like letting us out of the house to play with other kids, so most of the time we ended playing with each other in the playroom. Happi-kun wanted to hang out with his twin sisters, but not without a price. We often made him wear our baby clothes (the girly ones) and if he agreed, he would be allowed to play with us. Usually he just went along. My gawd, he looked so cute! (He’s lucky that none of us knew how to snap pictures at that time, or he’ll surely face the same murky future like Toshi - having your baby picture wearing opposite gender’s clothing displayed everywhere on the net, hoho~).
1992 - 1995 - I think I had a love and hate relationship with Happi-kun during this time. From the obedient lil’ mutt, he started to become just like ‘Kachang’ (have I ever told minna that he even used to look like ‘chibi Kachang’?). Sometimes I love to be on his good side, because it was great to ‘use’ him (I don’t know why, but it seemed easy to get things from my parents when Happi-kun was the one requesting them). I guess he began to realize his ‘power’ in the family and started to act like a snobbish, pampered brat toward his sisters. Sometimes I felt like choking him all over again again, but I also started to feel the pleasure of being the big sister. After he bathed, I would choose a nice outfit for him to wear, puffed powders on his face and combed his hair, with the sides parted just like an ‘otaku’. When I go to school, I would buy some sweets with the money that I have, put them into a match box, got it wrapped nicely and then gave it to him. Felt a sense of pride when I observed his delighted face receiving that ‘humble offerings’ from me. But life with him during this period is all roses and thorns, and it seemed as if thorns were what it had a lot to offer.
Sometimes when we get into fights, which were almost daily, I just went ahead and torture him emotionally. I would get extra chummy with Lina-neechan, and pretended to ignore him. Let me reveal this one ‘fact’, I didn’t like being a twin because I thought it denied me the right for to be an individual. So I didn’t like having Lina-neechan around just as much I didn’t like having my brother when I was young. I would mostly ignore her at school, and at home I chose when to play with Lina-neechan or Happi-kun at my own convenience. It seemed like if either one of them got on my good side; he or she will be a happier sibling for the day. I know and admit that I was a sad kid with a sick mind. All I know is that I’m currently working hard to make up for all the nasty stuff I did to them during this phase.
1995 - 1997 - Lina-neechan started showing signs of maturity. She didn’t mind being alone and it didn’t matter anymore whether I would hang around with her. So that was when I realized that I had lost my control over one of my siblings. What did I do about that? I became a full-time friend to Happi-kun. Our family moved from the bustling city of Kuala Lumpur to the rustic, ‘I-never-knew-the-place-existed-before’ Karak Town in Pahang because of my dad’s work. We lived inside the drug rehab centre where my dad administered, and there were no other children to play with at home. Between Happi-kun and I, we became inseparable. We would spend a lot of times together outside, creating adventures for ourselves by going to where our feet (or courage) could take us, sometimes to forbidden places. I remembered that Happi-kun once carried me on a bicycle and we rode down a quite steep road which was connected to the big highway. Not sensing any danger at first, we just went ahead. Right in the middle, I realized that there was no way for us to stop the bicycle ‘safely’. I guessed Happi-kun was aware of that too, so both of us screamed at the top of our lungs and put our feet down to create some sort of friction in hopes that we can try to stop the bicycle from heading straight into the busy highway. There was an open-air restaurant near the highway, where some of the trainees (x-drug addicts who’s on rehab at the centre) worked. I believed that those who were working and eating at the restaurant that time must have heard all the screeching and screaming. The trainees would have known that we were ‘anak tuan’ (the master’s children). What a good way of keeping up our dad’s good name. Did we manage to save ourselves? Fortunately, both of us swerved to the left side of the road before we nearly hit the opening of the highway, but ended up in medium-sized drain (it was so like ‘bee-to’, huh?). Dusted ourselves, we laughed heartily thinking of how insane it was. I looked at my soles (It was my mom’s tai chi shoes, actually) and it was ‘shaved’ clean. There were more other encounters such as this, but I prefer to have minna think that I was still a good kid.
1997 - 1999 - Slowly but surely, I began to ‘mature’ too (did u realized that I took more than 3 years to catch up with my twin? I was a late bloomer, u see~). And so it was no more enticing to play with kid brother in the public. I started to get interested in boybands (from everywhere else besides Japan, of course =P). I became closer to Lina-neechan because we share the same interest, and it’s easier to make a ‘joint account’ with our pocket moneys to buy albums and pop magz. Our room (Happi-kun had a room to himself while ‘the twins has to share’~) was our haven and sanctuary. The room had this unwritten rule, “Non twin siblings keep out!!” I pretty much ignored Happi-kun for these few years. I guessed that he pretty much killed time being more spoiled and playing with the family’s cats. All I cared was, it should be better with him outta my sight. Yeah, blame Backstreet Boys for sending my family’s boy to da back of da street~ I thought about it now, and figured that he must have felt really lonely then, that poor guy.
1999 - 2001 - He went to a boarding school. It wasn’t too far from home, about 20-minute drive to get there every time he requested (more like demanded) us to give him a visit, usually bringing him foods and picking up his dirty clothes for laundry (now, what’s the use of sending him to a boarding school, anyway?). He was so unbearable during this time. Both Lina-neechan and I felt as if he was looking down at us just because he went to a boarding school, making us more detached than ever. I was not that close to Lina-neechan either. During this time, mom pointed out that Lina-neechan and I switched roles, and I became a ‘goody-goody’. Whatever did she mean?
2001 - 2002 - He wanted to transfer to a daily school, after 2 years in the boarding school. There was only so much a guy can tell his family members, but I knew he was experiencing some difficulty at the boarding school and advised my parents to take his request seriously. He started daily school, and became some sort of ‘decoration’ at home. He mostly kept to himself and became extra quiet. It was hard getting him to talk or communicate with us. He would rather hang out with his friends. Then he started getting interested in hip-hop music and break dancing. He listened to Linkin Park and some other groups too, and began to learn English diligently. He used to be the in the last rank in the family when it comes to English, but he caught up with me. I was studying up north during this time for pre-uni studies, so our relationship was kinda stagnant. I pretty much let him on to his own devices, but he made our parents worry all the time. That sucked, because they expected me to be a big sister and give advices to him or whatever.
2002 - 2004 - Our family moved from Pahang to Putrajaya. I finished my pre-uni and was preparing for university. Lina-neechan was already in university and Happi-kun transferred to a school nearby. At first Happi-kun was still in his “leave me alone” mode. I preferred to ignore him most times. Then one day we got into this nasty dispute, and his response left me speechless. I was so angry at him for not respecting me, and declared that I would ‘disown’ him, that he should find another replacement for a sister. I genuinely believed that he was born to annoy me, and my patience was tried to the limit. What he did after that totally opened my eye to see the person he really is beneath that “I’m-so-cool” attitude. He wrote me an apology letter, saying that he deserved to be disowned because of what he did. He also wrote that it was okay if I never wanted to forgive him, but he will still love me as his big sister. I don’t know if any of you felt that it was overly dramatic, but what he wrote was really heartfelt. I read the letter when he was in school, and that time I felt like going to him and hugging him tightly, saying that I forgave him. When he came home from school, I got too embarrassed to acknowledge that I’ve read the letter, and I went on with my ‘silent treatment’. He was understanding and tried to get out of my way the whole day. That night I was watching Ally McBeal alone. It was one of the episodes when Josh Groban made his first appearance. Looking at his geeky face, I didn’t expect him to be much of a singer. I was so immersed in watching it, that I didn’t realize Happi-kun was also watching behind me (the light was dim). Then he moved to the sofa and sat beside me, as he was also absorbed in the story. I pretended I don’t mind him at all, and both of us watched in silence. In the end, when Josh opened his mouth and let out his angelic voice, I nearly swooned. I absent-mindedly turned to look at Happi-kun, and he did the same too; with the same expression I was wearing on my face. Our eyes met, and we made truce. Like nothing bad has ever happened between us, we chatted animatedly about what we have just watched. About how moving the episode was and whether Josh was really a singer. For the first time in so many years or maybe the first time ever, I had a heart-to-heart conversation with Happi-kun as he was accompanying me in the kitchen while I washed dishes afterwards. After that, we discovered so many similarities between us, especially in our choice of music. Up till now, he loves listening Josh Groban~ to me Josh was kinda special, because somehow he ‘patched’ my relationship with Happi-kun. He would usually come up to me if he had any ‘girl problems’. He never had any serious love relationship, but he valued his girl pals at school. From our conversations, I viewed him as a thoughtful and quite matured for someone his age. Come to think of it, he never talks bad about other people. I had never even heard him complained about his teachers, as most of us would be so happy doing. There were times when he would tell me about things which were ‘slightly-less’ than good which happened to him, but he would always add the phrases, “I know I was in some ways responsible for causing it…” or “…but I think I should also blame myself for that”. Nobody else can be held full responsible for anything that made him angry or sad. Or so he thought. I could just cry. I didn’t think that he was popular as a cutie, sport jock, academic top scorer or even a class clown. But I knew he was a good friend, and his friends loved to have him around. He used to be called Mr. Bean when he was younger, but in the new school, the nickname got upgraded to ‘Rowan’. Most referred him as ‘Rowan’, not even knowing his real name, thus jeopardizing his chance to be crowned as the ‘Prom King’ even though he was nominated for it. People from other classes went up to him afterwards and told him they were all waiting to vote for him, but the name ‘Rowan’ never showed up. This was no joke; I cracked up like crazy when I heard it.
2004 - Up till now à after getting his SPM result, it was proven that my brother will have to take up a much different path than which Lina-neechan and I went through. He decided to work and got a job as a sales assistant in Watson. Through his job, he brushed his communication and people’s skills. He was friendly and not as clammed as he used to be. He was still especially close to me, and I would often defend him whenever anyone in the family misunderstood any of his actions. Lina-neechan and I started taking up a new interest starting the middle of 2004, and that was of course, anything that concerned Japan. I know I kinda bugged him with all the wakarannai lingos that we used at home, and I thought he was genuinely ignoring us. Then one day he told us that there was a Japanese customer when he was doing his duty as a cashier. He used all the Japanese phrases that he heard from us (I know he couldn’t have gotten it any other way) and made the ‘okyaku-san’ very delighted. I had a shock, because I didn’t realize that he was paying any attention to our Japanese conversations. From then on, I continued ‘bugging’ him without any guilt. The same goes for Arashi fandom. Whenever we got the chance, we would ask him to watch Arashi-related bangumis with us. Though I could not declare that he’s completely Arashi-fied, but when he’s watching them, it seemed like he’s having fun. He also took note from some of our Arashi-spazzes and to our delight; he would make references to them whenever possible. Like whenever he saw anyone who looked like any of the Arashi members where he worked, he would go home and tell us about it. He even considered secretly snapping pictures to show proofs. It never happened, but the thought is all that matters. He changed his job after a while, and he became a salesman in a watch shop. The watches sold here are the genuine kinds which the prices ranging from hundreds to thousands. He got so absorbed with the job that he did his own research about watches and the latest technologies associated with them. His income also ‘boleh tahan’ and he would often buy his sisters treats and gave pocket moneys when we went out. Sometimes we told him that it was kind of embarrassing, but he explained that it was just one of a way for him to say thanks for all those time we gave him money from our allowances. Ah well, as the Malay saying goes~ “Rezeki jangan ditolak, musuh jangan dicari” (Do not decline offerings and don’t find yourself your own enemies). Accepted them I did. Nyaaa~
After constant nagging from mom, he recently resigned in order to find an apparently better future for himself. Dad, who was just retired, set up a company with some of his x-colleagues. He offered Happi-kun to help him out, and pursue tertiary studies at the same time. I thought he would be interested in taking up something technical and engineering-related, but turned out that he’s more interested in journalism. Right now he’s still considering his options, and while he’s at it, he’s been following my dad around (as his assistant I think). I am happy to know that he has so many things going on with his life right now, and I wished him all the best.
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A few days ago he called me up~ and we talked for quite some time. and then when he we hung up, he said "Lov ya~" I nearly forgot abt our 'ritual'. he would say this in a bashful way, as not to make it obvious-sounding. but it warms my heart. I lov ya too, dear Bro~