I'M SO SORRY..PLEASE FORGIVE ME
I'm drowning in this filthy sea of a lie. I'm about to explode. Theres moments when I just wana scream and let it out and fucking say "you know what. fuck it. I'm sorry. I lied. I'm not ok. I couldn't fucking do it. So fucking roll your eyes and go ahead and say your I told you so..you knew I wasn't really fully better...well congratufucking lations
It's supposed to help me control my life not fuck it over even more. It was so embarrasing...having to leave the room and not being able to do my report. And hearing them whisper "shes sick again." Every good thing I had, acomplished, or built is rapidly turning into shit...its unreal..the one thing that was supposed to be my salvation was my demise. I´m so dizzy, dehydrated, my throat burns, my vision is blurry, I´m exhausted and emotionally drained.
The way she looked at me today with tears in her eyes...I couldn´t tell what that look meant...was she disgusted of me? Feels sorry for me? Sick of me? Angry? All of the above? I can put up with a lot of horrible shit from a lot of ppl I care about but I can't handle hurting my mom and I can't handle her hurting me. So I got a little dizzy...so I haven't eaten in two days...why does she have to go and order me to go eat? Why does she have to take away the one thing I have control over in my life right now? I never say no to my mom but I just couldn't let her have this..not this..I can't let anyone have this..not until I'm ready. I need this right now.
I can't control who comes in and out of my life but I can control what comes in and out of my body
It´s not about me wana be pretty
It´s about I fucking want control
This sickness has it´s advantages
But it also takes its toll
Down on my knees carecing porcelain
Like balls of fire I spew out blood
If I can control my body than just maibe
I can take control
But what if I go to far?
What´s scary is I don´t know how sick I am
Would I know if I was dying?
It's supposed to help me control my life not fuck it over even more. It was so embarrasing...having to leave the room and not being able to do my report. And hearing them whisper "shes sick again." Every good thing I had, acomplished, or built is rapidly turning into shit...its unreal..the one thing that was supposed to be my salvation was my demise. I´m so dizzy, dehydrated, my throat burns, my vision is blurry, I´m exhausted and emotionally drained.
The way she looked at me today with tears in her eyes...I couldn´t tell what that look meant...was she disgusted of me? Feels sorry for me? Sick of me? Angry? All of the above? I can put up with a lot of horrible shit from a lot of ppl I care about but I can't handle hurting my mom and I can't handle her hurting me. So I got a little dizzy...so I haven't eaten in two days...why does she have to go and order me to go eat? Why does she have to take away the one thing I have control over in my life right now? I never say no to my mom but I just couldn't let her have this..not this..I can't let anyone have this..not until I'm ready. I need this right now.
I can't control who comes in and out of my life but I can control what comes in and out of my body
It´s not about me wana be pretty
It´s about I fucking want control
This sickness has it´s advantages
But it also takes its toll
Down on my knees carecing porcelain
Like balls of fire I spew out blood
If I can control my body than just maibe
I can take control
But what if I go to far?
What´s scary is I don´t know how sick I am
Would I know if I was dying?