(no subject)
I actually looked in the mirror today and liked what I saw naked. How rare for me.
I am sotr of in awe of how my body is changing the older I get. I think I am not freaking out over it, cause I have always been unhappy with my age. Always the serious one, somewhat passive aggressive, lash out in private, act out in private, away from those who think they know me best. I have always wanted to be older. I am getting there.
And I am not freaking out.
Though I have along ways to go to get my body in tune so that I can feel comfortable in my skin. I want to feel healthy.
And want to be better toned. Stronger.
Its hard to be me and feel attractive day after day. Cause I don't.
I had a bit of a meltdown last week, definately hormonal, but still honest. I told him I do not feel loved or appreciated. That I am not living for myself. he chalked it up to insecurities, and the power is in my own hands to change my life. And he is right. But I just wish he could give me a little more.
An on going dilhema, if I am where I am supposed to be in this world......
Today Lisa and I went to Santa Monica to shop. We ended up having a 3 hour lunch, many cocktails, ahi tuna and shrimp. A little shopping, a cup of winter tea, and headed home to my place for more wine, a ham sandwich, a few great discussions, and now its almost time for bed.
I know when he gets home from work there will be something to argue about. I do my best to stop the fights before theyt start cause I am just to tired for them...
And sex....I am going crazy cause we rarely have sex! But how can I ask for that when a kiss seems like a chore to him. I understand that he is not the most intimate romantic guy, but everyone has needs.
He and i used to be a twice a day every day kinda couple. I guess since I was almost 20 pounds lighter then....
How sad I sound.
I am going to go take a shower and think.....my mind is muddled right now.
But I did mail of my xmas gifts in time this year...yay me!
I am sotr of in awe of how my body is changing the older I get. I think I am not freaking out over it, cause I have always been unhappy with my age. Always the serious one, somewhat passive aggressive, lash out in private, act out in private, away from those who think they know me best. I have always wanted to be older. I am getting there.
And I am not freaking out.
Though I have along ways to go to get my body in tune so that I can feel comfortable in my skin. I want to feel healthy.
And want to be better toned. Stronger.
Its hard to be me and feel attractive day after day. Cause I don't.
I had a bit of a meltdown last week, definately hormonal, but still honest. I told him I do not feel loved or appreciated. That I am not living for myself. he chalked it up to insecurities, and the power is in my own hands to change my life. And he is right. But I just wish he could give me a little more.
An on going dilhema, if I am where I am supposed to be in this world......
Today Lisa and I went to Santa Monica to shop. We ended up having a 3 hour lunch, many cocktails, ahi tuna and shrimp. A little shopping, a cup of winter tea, and headed home to my place for more wine, a ham sandwich, a few great discussions, and now its almost time for bed.
I know when he gets home from work there will be something to argue about. I do my best to stop the fights before theyt start cause I am just to tired for them...
And sex....I am going crazy cause we rarely have sex! But how can I ask for that when a kiss seems like a chore to him. I understand that he is not the most intimate romantic guy, but everyone has needs.
He and i used to be a twice a day every day kinda couple. I guess since I was almost 20 pounds lighter then....
How sad I sound.
I am going to go take a shower and think.....my mind is muddled right now.
But I did mail of my xmas gifts in time this year...yay me!