Nice Well-Behaved Hobbits...
Title : Nice Well-Behaved Hobbits…
Author : dalehead
Pairing : Monaboyd
Rating : R-ish for swearing
Summary: Dominic and Billy get the wrong end of the stick.
A/N : For hobbit lovers everywhere. I’ve never written this pairing before, I have just popped my MonaBoyd cherry. The inspiration for this fic came from something Ian McKellen said … Nice well-behaved hobbits don't join unions.
This was part of the monaboyd_month that is going at the moment. Lots of lovely Monaboyd yumminess to be found there !
“It’s not bloody fair,” Billy sounded mournful. He stared over to where Ian was sitting with Viggo, Sean and Orlando. They were deep in conversation. Elsewhere other members of the cast were hanging out with their coteries and all, except Billy and Dom, were having a good time.
“Isn’t there a law against treating us like this?” Dom wondered.
“Yeah, we should check with Equity,” Billy replied sarkily.
“Should we?” Dom caught the look Billy was giving him, well he caught the look of exasperation and the eye rolling. “Oh … you’re joking…”
“No shit Sherlock … prat.”
“I’m not a prat.”
“Yes you are.”
“No I’m not.”
“What’s a prat?”
“Fuck off Lij, go hang out somewhere else.”
“Bu I wanna hang with you guys.”
“Huh? A moment ago, you were hobnobbing with …” it occurred to Billy he didn’t know who Lij’d been hobnobbing with.
“I was with Philippa, discussing stuff, I got here as quick as I could.” Lij sounded put out. “I wanted to hang with Vig but he’s talking…” he waved his hand in the direction of Ian and co.
“Yeah, well we’re the poor relations. Second class citizens,” Billy remarked gloomily.
“Second class hobbits even,” Dominic added.
“Eh?” Elijah was lost.
“You’re THE hobbit, we’re just …”
“Second class hobbits,” Dominic repeated.
“And it’s getting old,” Billy added.
“Really old.” Dominic agreed.
“Sounds to me like you’ve both got a chip on your shoulder,” a booming voice interrupted.
Shit. Dominic couldn’t believe Ian had overheard them.
Bollocks. Billy was beginning to think even fate was agin them.
“Hey Ian,” Elijah beamed and bounced up. “Where are you going? Can I come with you?”
Much to Billy and Dominic’s disgust, Ian smiled, nodded, proffering his arm to Lij. “What an excellent idea, darling, these two look like they got out of bed the wrong side.”
Much hurrumphing ensued but Ian paid no attention. He whisked Elijah off and it was rumoured that Lij fucked Ian so hard that Gandalf was unable to ride his Shadowfax the next day but then films sets are always rife with gossip.
~~
Meanwhile Dominic and Billy repaired to the pub, continuing to feel sorry for themselves.
“‘S’not as if bloody Bloom has got tons of experience,” Billy moaned. “Yet he’s always there with the inner circle. They’re so bloody cliquey…”
“Yeah…”
“Fuck ‘em…”
“Yeah …” Dominic was a little the worse for wear.
“Fancy getting a carry out and coming back to mine?”
“Yeah, thought you’d never ask, numpy.”
“Numpty.”
“That’s what I said.”
“C’mon then, you got condoms?”
Billy froze? “Eh?”
“Condoms. Now who’s being a numpty?”
“Who says we need…”
“Well m not coming back to discuss football, everyone knows the Scots can’t play football for toffee, so m assuming there will be shagging.”
Billy realised he really wanted there to be shagging. “Yeah, condoms and KY too.”
“Good, let’s get out of this hell hole then.”
“S’not a hell hole. And whaddya mean? We fucking can play football and how fucking…”
“Artistic licence. Numpty.” Dominic interrupted before Billy really got going.
“You like that word don’t you?”
“Yeah.”
~~~
If either Dominic or Billy expected anyone to look at them differently the next morning, they were wrong.
In fact, no one turned a hair when they showed up in the same car, Dominic wearing the same clothes he’d been wearing the day before. Ian was in a thoroughly bad mood, a bad mood that manifested itself in his scowl and a constant stream of rhetoric in the form of Shakespearean quotes. Sean reckoned he’d quoted most of Macbeth and Othello before lunch.
“See? See?” Billy stormed. “Even after having the best fuck I’ve ever had, still they completely fucking ignore us, I mean what do we have to do, picket them? Strip naked and hold placards?”
“Mmm, nice,” Dominic glanced over at him. “Chill Bill,” he grinned. “That would make the most brilliant title for a film wouldn’t it? Chill Bill…”
Billy wasn’t listening. He saw Viggo and Karl and waved them over.
“Hey,” Karl appeared ill at ease; Viggo sat down. He looked at them expectantly.
“Wanna just hang out later? Maybe play some pool of something?” Dominic grinned.
“You want us to hang out with you?” Viggo queried.
“What’s wrong with us? Bloody hell, we need a union of fucking hobbits,” Billy blushed fiery red when he realised what he’d said. “A union of hobbits, you lot never wanna sit and shoot the breeze with us, you don’t wanna drink with us …”
“But you two are well …” Karl looked hideously embarrassed. “Well … you know…”
“We are what exactly? Hobbits? Not American? Not from South East England? Do you have a problem with Scots and Mancs?” Dominic sounded dangerously polite.
“No you twat,” Elijah swung by. He was on his way to see Ian who was supposed to be resting until he was fit to sit astride a horse once more. “We all thought you were, well you know, you’d just got together and wanted to be…”
“On your own,” Karl grinned at Lij, grateful for his interruption.
“But we only got together last …” Billy stopped, Dom was glaring at him, willing him to shut up. “I mean…”
“What you haven’t spent the last few weeks fancying the arse off me? Dominic was clearly pissed off.
“Well no, I mean yes, I mean, how the fuck do I know, I hadn’t thought about it,” now that he did, he realised he’d fancied Dominic almost from the first time they’d met. He grinned. “Guess we don’t need a hobbit union then?”
“Nice well-behaved hobbits don't join unions.” Ian still sounded grumpy but was looking better than he had earlier in the day.
As everyone begun to laugh, Dominic and Billy moved a little closer together. As Dominic was sure Bilbo would advise, least said, soonest mended.
Fin
Author : dalehead
Pairing : Monaboyd
Rating : R-ish for swearing
Summary: Dominic and Billy get the wrong end of the stick.
A/N : For hobbit lovers everywhere. I’ve never written this pairing before, I have just popped my MonaBoyd cherry. The inspiration for this fic came from something Ian McKellen said … Nice well-behaved hobbits don't join unions.
This was part of the monaboyd_month that is going at the moment. Lots of lovely Monaboyd yumminess to be found there !
“It’s not bloody fair,” Billy sounded mournful. He stared over to where Ian was sitting with Viggo, Sean and Orlando. They were deep in conversation. Elsewhere other members of the cast were hanging out with their coteries and all, except Billy and Dom, were having a good time.
“Isn’t there a law against treating us like this?” Dom wondered.
“Yeah, we should check with Equity,” Billy replied sarkily.
“Should we?” Dom caught the look Billy was giving him, well he caught the look of exasperation and the eye rolling. “Oh … you’re joking…”
“No shit Sherlock … prat.”
“I’m not a prat.”
“Yes you are.”
“No I’m not.”
“What’s a prat?”
“Fuck off Lij, go hang out somewhere else.”
“Bu I wanna hang with you guys.”
“Huh? A moment ago, you were hobnobbing with …” it occurred to Billy he didn’t know who Lij’d been hobnobbing with.
“I was with Philippa, discussing stuff, I got here as quick as I could.” Lij sounded put out. “I wanted to hang with Vig but he’s talking…” he waved his hand in the direction of Ian and co.
“Yeah, well we’re the poor relations. Second class citizens,” Billy remarked gloomily.
“Second class hobbits even,” Dominic added.
“Eh?” Elijah was lost.
“You’re THE hobbit, we’re just …”
“Second class hobbits,” Dominic repeated.
“And it’s getting old,” Billy added.
“Really old.” Dominic agreed.
“Sounds to me like you’ve both got a chip on your shoulder,” a booming voice interrupted.
Shit. Dominic couldn’t believe Ian had overheard them.
Bollocks. Billy was beginning to think even fate was agin them.
“Hey Ian,” Elijah beamed and bounced up. “Where are you going? Can I come with you?”
Much to Billy and Dominic’s disgust, Ian smiled, nodded, proffering his arm to Lij. “What an excellent idea, darling, these two look like they got out of bed the wrong side.”
Much hurrumphing ensued but Ian paid no attention. He whisked Elijah off and it was rumoured that Lij fucked Ian so hard that Gandalf was unable to ride his Shadowfax the next day but then films sets are always rife with gossip.
~~
Meanwhile Dominic and Billy repaired to the pub, continuing to feel sorry for themselves.
“‘S’not as if bloody Bloom has got tons of experience,” Billy moaned. “Yet he’s always there with the inner circle. They’re so bloody cliquey…”
“Yeah…”
“Fuck ‘em…”
“Yeah …” Dominic was a little the worse for wear.
“Fancy getting a carry out and coming back to mine?”
“Yeah, thought you’d never ask, numpy.”
“Numpty.”
“That’s what I said.”
“C’mon then, you got condoms?”
Billy froze? “Eh?”
“Condoms. Now who’s being a numpty?”
“Who says we need…”
“Well m not coming back to discuss football, everyone knows the Scots can’t play football for toffee, so m assuming there will be shagging.”
Billy realised he really wanted there to be shagging. “Yeah, condoms and KY too.”
“Good, let’s get out of this hell hole then.”
“S’not a hell hole. And whaddya mean? We fucking can play football and how fucking…”
“Artistic licence. Numpty.” Dominic interrupted before Billy really got going.
“You like that word don’t you?”
“Yeah.”
~~~
If either Dominic or Billy expected anyone to look at them differently the next morning, they were wrong.
In fact, no one turned a hair when they showed up in the same car, Dominic wearing the same clothes he’d been wearing the day before. Ian was in a thoroughly bad mood, a bad mood that manifested itself in his scowl and a constant stream of rhetoric in the form of Shakespearean quotes. Sean reckoned he’d quoted most of Macbeth and Othello before lunch.
“See? See?” Billy stormed. “Even after having the best fuck I’ve ever had, still they completely fucking ignore us, I mean what do we have to do, picket them? Strip naked and hold placards?”
“Mmm, nice,” Dominic glanced over at him. “Chill Bill,” he grinned. “That would make the most brilliant title for a film wouldn’t it? Chill Bill…”
Billy wasn’t listening. He saw Viggo and Karl and waved them over.
“Hey,” Karl appeared ill at ease; Viggo sat down. He looked at them expectantly.
“Wanna just hang out later? Maybe play some pool of something?” Dominic grinned.
“You want us to hang out with you?” Viggo queried.
“What’s wrong with us? Bloody hell, we need a union of fucking hobbits,” Billy blushed fiery red when he realised what he’d said. “A union of hobbits, you lot never wanna sit and shoot the breeze with us, you don’t wanna drink with us …”
“But you two are well …” Karl looked hideously embarrassed. “Well … you know…”
“We are what exactly? Hobbits? Not American? Not from South East England? Do you have a problem with Scots and Mancs?” Dominic sounded dangerously polite.
“No you twat,” Elijah swung by. He was on his way to see Ian who was supposed to be resting until he was fit to sit astride a horse once more. “We all thought you were, well you know, you’d just got together and wanted to be…”
“On your own,” Karl grinned at Lij, grateful for his interruption.
“But we only got together last …” Billy stopped, Dom was glaring at him, willing him to shut up. “I mean…”
“What you haven’t spent the last few weeks fancying the arse off me? Dominic was clearly pissed off.
“Well no, I mean yes, I mean, how the fuck do I know, I hadn’t thought about it,” now that he did, he realised he’d fancied Dominic almost from the first time they’d met. He grinned. “Guess we don’t need a hobbit union then?”
“Nice well-behaved hobbits don't join unions.” Ian still sounded grumpy but was looking better than he had earlier in the day.
As everyone begun to laugh, Dominic and Billy moved a little closer together. As Dominic was sure Bilbo would advise, least said, soonest mended.
Fin