Don't Panic
I get anxiety over the stupidest little things. Ordering food. Pumping gas. Basically any public action, whether or not I have to interact with people. I'm under a constant fear that I'm going to screw up or do something stupid, and these thoughts are my obsession. In the back of my mind it would be catastrophic for this to happen, but just the thought of it makes the emotion of it real. Because of this I find it extremely difficult to just go with the flow and relax. I feel like I'm always being scrutinized . . . It's ironic that with all the obsessive worrying I do, that at my center is apathy.
I don't like being this way, but I'm not sure how to break out of this cycle. I have years of CBT, but even though I can recognize and admit to most of my negative thought patterns, I'm still stuck when it comes to taking that assertive leap. I find this frustrating to no end. I'm always miserable, and I'm tired of always feeling this way.
I'm also suffering from anhedonia and acedia. I don't look forward to things anymore. Today I could not bring myself to get out of bed, so I took a personal day off of work and all I did was sleep. This is precisely what I am not supposed to do, but I did it anyway.
I'm just going through the motions of life, pretending that I give a damn, and marking time waiting for that point where it either ends or somehow becomes meaningful. I'm just a fool on a dark melancholy journey. And damn I don't want to be or sound emo . . . I certainly don't want that kind of attention, which is why I'm not up to confiding in friends, or bringing the matter up directly very often. But I try to write about it to make myself feel better . . . to air it out.
I don't like being this way, but I'm not sure how to break out of this cycle. I have years of CBT, but even though I can recognize and admit to most of my negative thought patterns, I'm still stuck when it comes to taking that assertive leap. I find this frustrating to no end. I'm always miserable, and I'm tired of always feeling this way.
I'm also suffering from anhedonia and acedia. I don't look forward to things anymore. Today I could not bring myself to get out of bed, so I took a personal day off of work and all I did was sleep. This is precisely what I am not supposed to do, but I did it anyway.
I'm just going through the motions of life, pretending that I give a damn, and marking time waiting for that point where it either ends or somehow becomes meaningful. I'm just a fool on a dark melancholy journey. And damn I don't want to be or sound emo . . . I certainly don't want that kind of attention, which is why I'm not up to confiding in friends, or bringing the matter up directly very often. But I try to write about it to make myself feel better . . . to air it out.