The wind howls without a voice
The card reader beeps and the magnetic lock on the door clicks a sign of release and I step into temporary freedom once again. The warmth of the outside weather begins to seep into my limbs as I cross the parking lot and head towards my car. Why is it always so cold to me inside the building? I think about the warmth for a moment and imagine what it is like to enjoy it just for the day's sake.
This is the point where I just let my mind wander and slip into the same old routine. I pay half attention to All Things Considered on NPR during the brief drive home. I say that because I've been trying to avoid the news as it all seems so depressing. So I turn my mind to things that need to be done once I get home.
I start a load of laundry . . .then feed the animals. I should also empty the dishwasher but I already know that's not going to get done. On to the computer . . . I laugh as I think of how my life is simply a transitory state between workstations. I frown as I remember that a good portion of my time spent there no longer feels enjoyable. I slip further into avoidance as I consider this is something I could control if I could find the motivation to make the effort. Perhaps I even lie as I tell myself that this little temporary freedom is enough to put up with it.
I spend about an hour unwinding with a game of Civ 4 before I get bored. Then I move on to my F-List on LJ. Many of the posts there are simply amazing. A lot of times I would like to comment but my avoidant personality dissuades me. My CBT tells me that I should ask myself what is the worst thing that could happen . . . that's usually where the panic comes in. All the worrying about things that could go wrong when normally the things I worry about simply don't happen.
I fear being an idiot and failing to understand things. I fear missing the point, and somehow through all of the worrying, I think I do.
I try to imagine what life is like for other people, and how they might have similar fears or concerns, but they don't let those fears rule every waking moment. I base a large portion of my security on routines and things that are familiar . . . things where I feel I have the most control. And this really limits my choices in life, because I am afraid of stepping outside of my comfort zone. This is why my life is practically the same day-to-day.
A friend challenged me recently and told me that I should shake things up from time to time by doing things that I am afraid to do. And while I can see the value in doing that, it's something that I just can't bring myself to do, but I suppose it's something I need to do if I want to continue growing as a person.
If nothing else, it should help ease the repetition of a treadmill existence.
This is the point where I just let my mind wander and slip into the same old routine. I pay half attention to All Things Considered on NPR during the brief drive home. I say that because I've been trying to avoid the news as it all seems so depressing. So I turn my mind to things that need to be done once I get home.
I start a load of laundry . . .then feed the animals. I should also empty the dishwasher but I already know that's not going to get done. On to the computer . . . I laugh as I think of how my life is simply a transitory state between workstations. I frown as I remember that a good portion of my time spent there no longer feels enjoyable. I slip further into avoidance as I consider this is something I could control if I could find the motivation to make the effort. Perhaps I even lie as I tell myself that this little temporary freedom is enough to put up with it.
I spend about an hour unwinding with a game of Civ 4 before I get bored. Then I move on to my F-List on LJ. Many of the posts there are simply amazing. A lot of times I would like to comment but my avoidant personality dissuades me. My CBT tells me that I should ask myself what is the worst thing that could happen . . . that's usually where the panic comes in. All the worrying about things that could go wrong when normally the things I worry about simply don't happen.
I fear being an idiot and failing to understand things. I fear missing the point, and somehow through all of the worrying, I think I do.
I try to imagine what life is like for other people, and how they might have similar fears or concerns, but they don't let those fears rule every waking moment. I base a large portion of my security on routines and things that are familiar . . . things where I feel I have the most control. And this really limits my choices in life, because I am afraid of stepping outside of my comfort zone. This is why my life is practically the same day-to-day.
A friend challenged me recently and told me that I should shake things up from time to time by doing things that I am afraid to do. And while I can see the value in doing that, it's something that I just can't bring myself to do, but I suppose it's something I need to do if I want to continue growing as a person.
If nothing else, it should help ease the repetition of a treadmill existence.