Reflection on My Life...
WARNING: Included in this letter is a rather dark and serious contemplation upon my own personal thoughts and feelings surrounding my life and the people in it. If you don't care to hear about such serious matters, then don't read it. I'm not trying to sound emotional or suicidal. I am simply reflecting.
I like to think I understand much of the world. I like to think that I understand why things are the way they are. What I sometimes find myself wondering is why things need to be the way they are. Many people call it the Divine Plan, or simply the Way Things Are. But do we ever truly know? And can we ever really change things, or does history really just keep repeating itself in one form or another?
I always wondered what my brother felt before he killed himself. I always wondered how hopeless a person must truly be to willingly do themselves physical harm. Granted, my brother was ill...but there was more to it. Something more than just post-teenage angst.
And now, I finally understand...because I feel that hopelessness too. I feel like I'm immersed within the world, feeling too much, and yet separate from it somehow. Like walking through a tide, and if you're not careful, it will drown you. I remember what he said before he died, "I just don't think I'm meant to live in this world. I'm not strong enough." I finally see what he meant.
I wish I could change the world, but I am only one little person. My friends joke about how small I am, and I laugh, but the truth is that I am limited in most of what I do because of my size and appearance. Not many people take me seriously, and the reach of my good deeds extend only so far; what matters is that I still try. No matter how cold I wish I could be, and no matter how much I suffer for caring for others. I still do it, because too many people are afraid to, and because it's the right thing to do. Sometimes, we all have to choose between what is easy, and what is right. I try and do the right thing. I may not always succeed, but I try. I put my needs and wants aside, and keep them hidden away. I forsake them for others.
However, this only gets harder with each passing day. Especially when others use me, crush my dreams, or simply don't care that I'm giving up a piece of my soul for them. I feel that I'm losing myself in the current...maybe even losing the will to live as I struggle to keep my head above the water. But I fight. I carry on. Feeling weak and without purpose...slowly dying of a broken heart.
I like to think I understand much of the world. I like to think that I understand why things are the way they are. What I sometimes find myself wondering is why things need to be the way they are. Many people call it the Divine Plan, or simply the Way Things Are. But do we ever truly know? And can we ever really change things, or does history really just keep repeating itself in one form or another?
I always wondered what my brother felt before he killed himself. I always wondered how hopeless a person must truly be to willingly do themselves physical harm. Granted, my brother was ill...but there was more to it. Something more than just post-teenage angst.
And now, I finally understand...because I feel that hopelessness too. I feel like I'm immersed within the world, feeling too much, and yet separate from it somehow. Like walking through a tide, and if you're not careful, it will drown you. I remember what he said before he died, "I just don't think I'm meant to live in this world. I'm not strong enough." I finally see what he meant.
I wish I could change the world, but I am only one little person. My friends joke about how small I am, and I laugh, but the truth is that I am limited in most of what I do because of my size and appearance. Not many people take me seriously, and the reach of my good deeds extend only so far; what matters is that I still try. No matter how cold I wish I could be, and no matter how much I suffer for caring for others. I still do it, because too many people are afraid to, and because it's the right thing to do. Sometimes, we all have to choose between what is easy, and what is right. I try and do the right thing. I may not always succeed, but I try. I put my needs and wants aside, and keep them hidden away. I forsake them for others.
However, this only gets harder with each passing day. Especially when others use me, crush my dreams, or simply don't care that I'm giving up a piece of my soul for them. I feel that I'm losing myself in the current...maybe even losing the will to live as I struggle to keep my head above the water. But I fight. I carry on. Feeling weak and without purpose...slowly dying of a broken heart.