Today I went walking and don't know what I found

[dakodasan]

Today I walked to the football stadium and climbed up the bleachers at sunset. I could see far and clearly in every direction. I looked to the west at the setting sun and saw the death of something beautiful, for it was the end of a beautiful spring day. I looked to the east at the coming darkness and felt a great ominous force. I looked to the north, and saw all my friends and everything in my life right now, and I felt that something was missing. So I looked to the south and saw all that I left behind. I could feel it right over the horizon. Just far enough that I couldn't see it but close enough that I could feel it. I felt very alone and very confused. I thought to myself, if I threw off the ties to my friends and left them all behind, and walked towards the south I could be reunited with my love and everything my life is missing right now. But then, I know that if I did then sometime down the road I would look to the north and long for everything I left behind and feel this same kind of disparity. Right now my life is very dualistic. It's like I'm trying to live two lives. All in all it makes me a very despairing man. Perhaps this is what wabi feels like. A cold desolate despair that makes you see a certain beauty in what could be. Right now I don't know what I want or who I am. I feel like a lost soul who longs for home, but doesn't know where home is, so instead just longs for something. Something indefinable.

I love you Meemee. I love life. I love this world. I love everyone. But somehow that isn't enough. I don't know what it is my life is missing.... Perhaps I'm just homesick...Perhaps I just miss my beloved.... Perhaps....