(no subject)
Been a while.
I'm having one of those moments when all I want to do is sleep but my mind won't calm enough so I can. One thing I will never understand and have stopped trying to figure out is why my mind is capable of remembering so many things... but during times of stress it will jump from one memory to the next. None of the memories are pleasant and make for a highlight reel of bad moments and mistakes I've made. Maybe my mind is just trying to add perspective to things or find where the current situation will fit.
Regardless, it still leaves me here unable to sleep and trying to exhaust myself to a point where I can rest without interruption.
Some good news would help. Finding out I didn't get the job earlier today just set me on edge and the smallest little things were being blown out of proportion. I'm just glad I can clamp down before they get out of hand. "Oh no you motherfucker... you are not flying off the handle right now. Won't help. Never helps. Calm the fuck down."
Yes, I am pretty harsh when I talk to myself in my head. The arguments can be epic at times.
Most of all, I'm trying to keep the stress from changing me and, sadly, failing. I'll catch it in retrospect and nip it. Makes you wish for a "Rewind/Delete" button on time. But, I'm keeping the anger in check. That is what bothers me the most. Anger is something I keep in check constantly because I can very easily remember what has happened when I just let go (see above point regarding "Bastard Memory Show" playing near-nightly). When you are angry at intangible objects and situations, there is no point to it. You shrug it off, and it fades away when you realize that.
Stress is like a fucking anchor on that anger. The rational part realizes it's a wasteful emotion so it hits PURGE. The stress flips the rational mind the bird and latches on tight. Meanwhile, the emotional part of the brain is something like a tiger that was just stuffed to the teeth on meth and PCP.
How does one deal with it? I run.
Lifting isn't enough. Regular cardio isn't enough. I do the one exercise I absolutely cannot stand because it leaves me winded, drenched in sweat, and exhausted. Ah hell, I'm metaphorically and literally running away from the problem.
And my knees aren't hurting. Strange.
/end braindump
I'm having one of those moments when all I want to do is sleep but my mind won't calm enough so I can. One thing I will never understand and have stopped trying to figure out is why my mind is capable of remembering so many things... but during times of stress it will jump from one memory to the next. None of the memories are pleasant and make for a highlight reel of bad moments and mistakes I've made. Maybe my mind is just trying to add perspective to things or find where the current situation will fit.
Regardless, it still leaves me here unable to sleep and trying to exhaust myself to a point where I can rest without interruption.
Some good news would help. Finding out I didn't get the job earlier today just set me on edge and the smallest little things were being blown out of proportion. I'm just glad I can clamp down before they get out of hand. "Oh no you motherfucker... you are not flying off the handle right now. Won't help. Never helps. Calm the fuck down."
Yes, I am pretty harsh when I talk to myself in my head. The arguments can be epic at times.
Most of all, I'm trying to keep the stress from changing me and, sadly, failing. I'll catch it in retrospect and nip it. Makes you wish for a "Rewind/Delete" button on time. But, I'm keeping the anger in check. That is what bothers me the most. Anger is something I keep in check constantly because I can very easily remember what has happened when I just let go (see above point regarding "Bastard Memory Show" playing near-nightly). When you are angry at intangible objects and situations, there is no point to it. You shrug it off, and it fades away when you realize that.
Stress is like a fucking anchor on that anger. The rational part realizes it's a wasteful emotion so it hits PURGE. The stress flips the rational mind the bird and latches on tight. Meanwhile, the emotional part of the brain is something like a tiger that was just stuffed to the teeth on meth and PCP.
How does one deal with it? I run.
Lifting isn't enough. Regular cardio isn't enough. I do the one exercise I absolutely cannot stand because it leaves me winded, drenched in sweat, and exhausted. Ah hell, I'm metaphorically and literally running away from the problem.
And my knees aren't hurting. Strange.
/end braindump