100.01 - March 3, 2013 Resolution
Wow, it's been forever since I've done one of these.
I had to tear down everything myself. I had to remove the foundation, and I had to dig new earth and new ground. I imploded what could no longer stand, and expelled those things that could not be broken. I had to try over and over again during my first two years in Portland to find the people who wouldn't harangue me, and everywhere I looked, I kept finding more of the wrong people.
At the bottom, through the haze of tequila, I remember one being celebrated in their fight against the Abyss, and another being dismissed as "that other one who lives here." These demons are horrible, and the double standard was too much to bear. Even without support, though, I defeated my demons. Again. For the thousandth, ten-thousandth, hundred-thousandth time. The response was unmistakable: it was a response I was all too familiar with.
Silence.
I kept the people who treated me better than emptiness, and I took apart the rest. I would not submit to an enforcement of how other people assumed me to be due to the games we all play. I found my autonomy. I fought back.
This is not to say I wasn't ready for this at any point. Rather, I encountered hatred and aggression far beyond what is reasonable for any person to handle, let along a queer person of color one of the whitest cities in America. There must always be an Other for some, and for those, their insults and arrows no longer need to apply to me.
I am beginning again, for the thousandth, ten-thousandth, hundred-thousandth time. I finally found grounding when it was taken from me--so many times, here in Portland, that I lost count long ago. I have my base of friends: people who appreciate my self without regard for provings or credentials. I need to rebuild my faith in family, now. My parents have been, in the past, destructive, and I need to designate roles and motives in my family unit and social units so that the corruption cannot rot me from within any longer. To get there, I need to be a participant and not a spectacle.
I'm a long way from there. But I have the friends. I have the financial security I need. I'm ready for intimacy again. Let's see where this takes me.
I had to tear down everything myself. I had to remove the foundation, and I had to dig new earth and new ground. I imploded what could no longer stand, and expelled those things that could not be broken. I had to try over and over again during my first two years in Portland to find the people who wouldn't harangue me, and everywhere I looked, I kept finding more of the wrong people.
At the bottom, through the haze of tequila, I remember one being celebrated in their fight against the Abyss, and another being dismissed as "that other one who lives here." These demons are horrible, and the double standard was too much to bear. Even without support, though, I defeated my demons. Again. For the thousandth, ten-thousandth, hundred-thousandth time. The response was unmistakable: it was a response I was all too familiar with.
Silence.
I kept the people who treated me better than emptiness, and I took apart the rest. I would not submit to an enforcement of how other people assumed me to be due to the games we all play. I found my autonomy. I fought back.
This is not to say I wasn't ready for this at any point. Rather, I encountered hatred and aggression far beyond what is reasonable for any person to handle, let along a queer person of color one of the whitest cities in America. There must always be an Other for some, and for those, their insults and arrows no longer need to apply to me.
I am beginning again, for the thousandth, ten-thousandth, hundred-thousandth time. I finally found grounding when it was taken from me--so many times, here in Portland, that I lost count long ago. I have my base of friends: people who appreciate my self without regard for provings or credentials. I need to rebuild my faith in family, now. My parents have been, in the past, destructive, and I need to designate roles and motives in my family unit and social units so that the corruption cannot rot me from within any longer. To get there, I need to be a participant and not a spectacle.
I'm a long way from there. But I have the friends. I have the financial security I need. I'm ready for intimacy again. Let's see where this takes me.