In Need of Padded Room
Remember all the suggestions you all gave? Yes, it helps a little. But it's a pretty pathetic existence to feel like you need to stay glued to the computer with headphones and brown noise. Especially when you came to visit your husband, but you can't even sit on the couch with him for very long and even then, you're tense cuz you wonder when you have to rush back to the computer. And I still have moments of such frustration when I can STILL hear them. I bang the walls because I WILL make it known that there are other people here and they do NOT appreciate their noise.
So as suspected and why I was slow to follow the suggestions: They do NOT make life better. They keep me from throwing TOO much of a fit where it gets to Dave (and my blood pressure), but it is still depressing and pathetic and pisses me off.
And I know my church friends will be offended by that word third from last, but ya know, I'm Christian, but I'm not perfect. I'm human and I get so bothered, I need to express it in a way. I need people to see what this is. This isn't something I can pray away. I have prayed for an attitude change. The only solution is to get away from it. Which is why I live in AR again.
I'm not saying God won't do anything, but His timing to change the situation isn't right now. I just know I can't even get to a place to get in His presence because I am so tense here.
The worst bit is that it is a hopeless situation. I know nothing on Earth will be like Hell, but it feels close. The fact that it drives me mad. And what amplifies that is the feeling that there is no way out. I needed to get a job to help us afford moving and that wasn't happening.
You don't have to understand or anything. You can think that I'm being oversensitive or whatever. Just realize that that doesn't matter. I was going mad. I needed out.
I prayed for a different attitude. I had better days where I could handle more. Either several instances later or the noise got really loud. I had bad days where I threw a fit at the first hint of noise. But every day it got to me. And I got to Dave.
Not that I need to explain myself because I feel you just need to know it got to me that bad. But it was ALL day. Off and on. It feels as if I cannot have 5 minutes of silence. It happens often enough that I DO feel I have to sit at my computer with the headphones on all the time.
But that may not be enough to help you understand. Understand or not. Sympathize or not. I don't care. But do know that it bothered me enough to drive me to move back to AR. To leave my husband behind and deal with judgment from both countries about it. And many have proven me right. Even if it's just with, "Oh, I'd never..."
Well, I'm not you. This is NOT an indication that my love for Dave is weak and whatnot. So I need you all to see it this way. Whether you cannot fathom something bothering someone so bad, this is what it is. You see it in me. It IS THAT bad.
Even visiting fills me with dread so much my stomach turns. I know the visit is almost pointless because I'm spending more than 75% of my time glued to the computer to help me from going too insane. I still go insane, but it still happens. Going deaf MIGHT help (some things can be felt as much as heard) if we stay here, but there're other issues aside from noise that makes me unhappy in the apartment.
You still think I'm being overly sensitive? Well, that's all fine and well, but that's not gonna make this situation any better. You can't change my personality. You can't make things not bother me. I tried.
Lori needs quiet. Peace of mind. Privacy. Her own space. (Own includes Dave, but Dave ONLY.) A santuary. In a word: Home. The most basic need and she can't seem to get there. It's depressing.
Maybe you could handle it. Maybe you would sacrifice peace of mind for your Love. Good for you. But I know it's hard for me to love and it's hard to love me when I'm here and being as tense as being here makes me.
I made a choice and it's how it has to be so Lori doesn't end up losing her mind. Think what you will of me for not being able to handle it. But that's what it is. I can't handle living in this apartment.
I LOVE my friends and family. I love hanging out with people. I know life isn't always easy and won't be completely silent, etc. But my home should be at least most of the time. It should be my sanctuary. At least where I can expect to be able to enjoy at least an evening of quiet. Not come home expecting to sit at my computer with headphones, asking Dave to do stuff for me so I can stay here and avoid getting insane. That sounds pathetic, but again, it's what it is. I shouldn't dread going home.
I can handle occasional disturbances. Even the home situation I have now I have to have brown noise and need to escape, but it's not nearly as often and I know my requests will be acknowledged and most often obliged.
But here, it's all day, MAYBE an hour or two between... but mostly not even that. EVERY day. Especially at night. To where even if I worked, I'd still have to deal with the worst of it. When I'm supposed to be relaxing after a day of work.
I know this was harsh. But one of the things I thought was part of friendship, at least some of them, was sympathy. Even if you don't quite understand what I'm going through or agree to my reaction to it. I am getting some sympathy, but I still don't feel like most (if any) TRULY are openly sympathetic. I still feel that most (if not all) people feel I am just asking too much or over-reacting.
Fine. Maybe I am. But someday, I will have a sound-proof (studio-grade) room. I will have at least ONE room I can escape all noise. I don't even care what country. I don't care what neighborhood. I WILL have a silence room.
If that's a padded room in an insane asylum, that's fine too. I don't -really- want that, but when I'm here, I have that thought very, very often.
So as suspected and why I was slow to follow the suggestions: They do NOT make life better. They keep me from throwing TOO much of a fit where it gets to Dave (and my blood pressure), but it is still depressing and pathetic and pisses me off.
And I know my church friends will be offended by that word third from last, but ya know, I'm Christian, but I'm not perfect. I'm human and I get so bothered, I need to express it in a way. I need people to see what this is. This isn't something I can pray away. I have prayed for an attitude change. The only solution is to get away from it. Which is why I live in AR again.
I'm not saying God won't do anything, but His timing to change the situation isn't right now. I just know I can't even get to a place to get in His presence because I am so tense here.
The worst bit is that it is a hopeless situation. I know nothing on Earth will be like Hell, but it feels close. The fact that it drives me mad. And what amplifies that is the feeling that there is no way out. I needed to get a job to help us afford moving and that wasn't happening.
You don't have to understand or anything. You can think that I'm being oversensitive or whatever. Just realize that that doesn't matter. I was going mad. I needed out.
I prayed for a different attitude. I had better days where I could handle more. Either several instances later or the noise got really loud. I had bad days where I threw a fit at the first hint of noise. But every day it got to me. And I got to Dave.
Not that I need to explain myself because I feel you just need to know it got to me that bad. But it was ALL day. Off and on. It feels as if I cannot have 5 minutes of silence. It happens often enough that I DO feel I have to sit at my computer with the headphones on all the time.
But that may not be enough to help you understand. Understand or not. Sympathize or not. I don't care. But do know that it bothered me enough to drive me to move back to AR. To leave my husband behind and deal with judgment from both countries about it. And many have proven me right. Even if it's just with, "Oh, I'd never..."
Well, I'm not you. This is NOT an indication that my love for Dave is weak and whatnot. So I need you all to see it this way. Whether you cannot fathom something bothering someone so bad, this is what it is. You see it in me. It IS THAT bad.
Even visiting fills me with dread so much my stomach turns. I know the visit is almost pointless because I'm spending more than 75% of my time glued to the computer to help me from going too insane. I still go insane, but it still happens. Going deaf MIGHT help (some things can be felt as much as heard) if we stay here, but there're other issues aside from noise that makes me unhappy in the apartment.
You still think I'm being overly sensitive? Well, that's all fine and well, but that's not gonna make this situation any better. You can't change my personality. You can't make things not bother me. I tried.
Lori needs quiet. Peace of mind. Privacy. Her own space. (Own includes Dave, but Dave ONLY.) A santuary. In a word: Home. The most basic need and she can't seem to get there. It's depressing.
Maybe you could handle it. Maybe you would sacrifice peace of mind for your Love. Good for you. But I know it's hard for me to love and it's hard to love me when I'm here and being as tense as being here makes me.
I made a choice and it's how it has to be so Lori doesn't end up losing her mind. Think what you will of me for not being able to handle it. But that's what it is. I can't handle living in this apartment.
I LOVE my friends and family. I love hanging out with people. I know life isn't always easy and won't be completely silent, etc. But my home should be at least most of the time. It should be my sanctuary. At least where I can expect to be able to enjoy at least an evening of quiet. Not come home expecting to sit at my computer with headphones, asking Dave to do stuff for me so I can stay here and avoid getting insane. That sounds pathetic, but again, it's what it is. I shouldn't dread going home.
I can handle occasional disturbances. Even the home situation I have now I have to have brown noise and need to escape, but it's not nearly as often and I know my requests will be acknowledged and most often obliged.
But here, it's all day, MAYBE an hour or two between... but mostly not even that. EVERY day. Especially at night. To where even if I worked, I'd still have to deal with the worst of it. When I'm supposed to be relaxing after a day of work.
I know this was harsh. But one of the things I thought was part of friendship, at least some of them, was sympathy. Even if you don't quite understand what I'm going through or agree to my reaction to it. I am getting some sympathy, but I still don't feel like most (if any) TRULY are openly sympathetic. I still feel that most (if not all) people feel I am just asking too much or over-reacting.
Fine. Maybe I am. But someday, I will have a sound-proof (studio-grade) room. I will have at least ONE room I can escape all noise. I don't even care what country. I don't care what neighborhood. I WILL have a silence room.
If that's a padded room in an insane asylum, that's fine too. I don't -really- want that, but when I'm here, I have that thought very, very often.