Death and Defeat are not yet the end of me!
It's been so long since I've needed someone to talk to. Taia has always been there to fill the gap, but no longer. I am alone. I am now cut loose. It's okay, though. She's happy with this Tom guy who's a major alcoholic. If she wants to get with him and just be dissapointed, that's her deal. He's not going to give up his addiction for her like she thinks he will. Sorry, Taia, but people will not change their entire lives for someone like you. I tried. It didn't turn out.
Taia left me because she claimed I wasn't "mature" enough. Let me ask you this. How am I the one who is immature when I'm ready to settle down and have a life with someone, and she still doesn't know half of her own feelings? I know, or rather, KNEW, who I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. She's changed. When we first starting going out, she was so caring and compassionate. Now she's all about herself. She's become a selfish little brat who wants everything done for her exactly when she wants it. Today is my birthday, and she has yet to even give me the courtesy of calling and saying happy birthday. That's okay, though. She says she wants me in her life, but obviously it's only when it's convienant for her. Three years I gave to that woman while she thought nothing for me and only about herself. She tore my heart in two over John without a second thought. Now she's torn my heart in half again over Tom, the raging alcoholic. She obviously cares nothing for me, or else why would she knowingly hurt me so? I dunno. Everyone tells me I'd be a complete fool to take her back, and I agree. I would be. But what can you say to love? Whether she abuses me or not, I still care about her. Even now, I'm content sitting back and letting her sleep with this Tom guy because it makes her happy. Whatever.
I'll say this, though. When she's finally broken and alone, crying in the dark, she's going to wish I were there to talk to her. I doubt I will be. The other day, I message her and she tells me about how she's hurt because Tom went out drinking again. I said "Sounds like fun." and she tells me not to be sarcastic to her, that she's "fucking hurt.". The only thing I could think of right then was "Aww! Poor baby! Now you fucking know about a fraction of the pain you put me through. Eat it up, bitch. You're going to have a lot more where that came from." And you know? It made me feel good. It's sad that I find comfort in the pain of the one I love. But, she wronged me. She wronged me bad. She deserves pain, and a lot of it. She could never know how bad I felt the night she was telling me about good ol' Tom. I wanted to shoot myself right then and there. In fact, if I had a gun, I would have. I have a sword, and that would be a bit painful, plus it wouldn't even be guaranteed to kill me. She says that she'd rather hurt me than him because he's likely to kill himself. Oh, and I'm not? Thanks Taia. You really care. Sometimes, I wish I could just backhand that girl...Slap some fucking sense into her. She says she has no common sense. Well, now I beleive her. She doesn't.
But yet, here I am. Still clawing at her ankles. It's pathetic. It's demeaning. I wish I wasn't doing this, but my feelings won't leave me alone. Day in, day out, she's all I think about. It sucks. I wish we had never met now. I wouldn't be in such pain. "It's better to have love and lost then never to love at all." Not true. A better quote to counter that would be "Ignorance is bliss." I don't even know how long she's been with this Tom guy. All her talk about her trying to "help" him is bullshit. I see through her fragile lie like it were glass. She's not good at lying. She tries, but I'm better. I see the signs. She's lying to me. I don't know why I continue to bitch about her when I should just leave, but I can't. I can't pry myself off her no matter what I do. I want to be with her still, and it hurts. I'm desperately trying to rush getting my drivers license because she said that she'd want to be with me again if I got my license. But that's not even a guarantee. She might be with someone else. God, why me? Why is it always me that has to be punished all around? I get the short end of the stick everytime.
*sighs* On a happy note, somewhat. I'll be going to CCSN on the 17th to sign up for college classes. Yes, me. College. Funny, eh? I'll be taking programming and computer tech with my buddy Daron. I'll also be moving out soon to my own place. Yay! I can be ALONE finally! Heh, for such a lovesick person, I can't believe I long to be alone so much. I want to just shut the world out of my life. Fuck this world. It's full of pricks and selfish kids. If you think about it, the earth does actually have a brain and thoughts. It's us as a whole. Humanity, when looked at from afar, actually acts like a single sentient being. I seem to be the outcast of that little system. I don't really fall into any catagory other than "The nice guy who is uglier than Michael Jackson." Yep, that's me. Everyone says I can get another girl. A nice girl who'd treat me nice. Yeah? Who in the hell would want to be around this stick body and ugly face 24/7? I can't name one person. Sure I have friends. Female friends. But none of them would ever think to look at me in any way other than friend. I guess it's for the best, though. Love can kiss my ass. I'm flying solo for a bit.
Well, thank you Don for not letting me have my birthday off! I have 30 minutes before I have to get going. On my birthday! Thank you! I love you, too, FUCKHEAD! *sighs* Okay, enough of my depressing rant. I'm gonna be posting in this thing a lot more often. I need a vent, and for a while, this will be it. Later.
Brandon
Taia left me because she claimed I wasn't "mature" enough. Let me ask you this. How am I the one who is immature when I'm ready to settle down and have a life with someone, and she still doesn't know half of her own feelings? I know, or rather, KNEW, who I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. She's changed. When we first starting going out, she was so caring and compassionate. Now she's all about herself. She's become a selfish little brat who wants everything done for her exactly when she wants it. Today is my birthday, and she has yet to even give me the courtesy of calling and saying happy birthday. That's okay, though. She says she wants me in her life, but obviously it's only when it's convienant for her. Three years I gave to that woman while she thought nothing for me and only about herself. She tore my heart in two over John without a second thought. Now she's torn my heart in half again over Tom, the raging alcoholic. She obviously cares nothing for me, or else why would she knowingly hurt me so? I dunno. Everyone tells me I'd be a complete fool to take her back, and I agree. I would be. But what can you say to love? Whether she abuses me or not, I still care about her. Even now, I'm content sitting back and letting her sleep with this Tom guy because it makes her happy. Whatever.
I'll say this, though. When she's finally broken and alone, crying in the dark, she's going to wish I were there to talk to her. I doubt I will be. The other day, I message her and she tells me about how she's hurt because Tom went out drinking again. I said "Sounds like fun." and she tells me not to be sarcastic to her, that she's "fucking hurt.". The only thing I could think of right then was "Aww! Poor baby! Now you fucking know about a fraction of the pain you put me through. Eat it up, bitch. You're going to have a lot more where that came from." And you know? It made me feel good. It's sad that I find comfort in the pain of the one I love. But, she wronged me. She wronged me bad. She deserves pain, and a lot of it. She could never know how bad I felt the night she was telling me about good ol' Tom. I wanted to shoot myself right then and there. In fact, if I had a gun, I would have. I have a sword, and that would be a bit painful, plus it wouldn't even be guaranteed to kill me. She says that she'd rather hurt me than him because he's likely to kill himself. Oh, and I'm not? Thanks Taia. You really care. Sometimes, I wish I could just backhand that girl...Slap some fucking sense into her. She says she has no common sense. Well, now I beleive her. She doesn't.
But yet, here I am. Still clawing at her ankles. It's pathetic. It's demeaning. I wish I wasn't doing this, but my feelings won't leave me alone. Day in, day out, she's all I think about. It sucks. I wish we had never met now. I wouldn't be in such pain. "It's better to have love and lost then never to love at all." Not true. A better quote to counter that would be "Ignorance is bliss." I don't even know how long she's been with this Tom guy. All her talk about her trying to "help" him is bullshit. I see through her fragile lie like it were glass. She's not good at lying. She tries, but I'm better. I see the signs. She's lying to me. I don't know why I continue to bitch about her when I should just leave, but I can't. I can't pry myself off her no matter what I do. I want to be with her still, and it hurts. I'm desperately trying to rush getting my drivers license because she said that she'd want to be with me again if I got my license. But that's not even a guarantee. She might be with someone else. God, why me? Why is it always me that has to be punished all around? I get the short end of the stick everytime.
*sighs* On a happy note, somewhat. I'll be going to CCSN on the 17th to sign up for college classes. Yes, me. College. Funny, eh? I'll be taking programming and computer tech with my buddy Daron. I'll also be moving out soon to my own place. Yay! I can be ALONE finally! Heh, for such a lovesick person, I can't believe I long to be alone so much. I want to just shut the world out of my life. Fuck this world. It's full of pricks and selfish kids. If you think about it, the earth does actually have a brain and thoughts. It's us as a whole. Humanity, when looked at from afar, actually acts like a single sentient being. I seem to be the outcast of that little system. I don't really fall into any catagory other than "The nice guy who is uglier than Michael Jackson." Yep, that's me. Everyone says I can get another girl. A nice girl who'd treat me nice. Yeah? Who in the hell would want to be around this stick body and ugly face 24/7? I can't name one person. Sure I have friends. Female friends. But none of them would ever think to look at me in any way other than friend. I guess it's for the best, though. Love can kiss my ass. I'm flying solo for a bit.
Well, thank you Don for not letting me have my birthday off! I have 30 minutes before I have to get going. On my birthday! Thank you! I love you, too, FUCKHEAD! *sighs* Okay, enough of my depressing rant. I'm gonna be posting in this thing a lot more often. I need a vent, and for a while, this will be it. Later.
Brandon