So, to start....
Actually, I'm not sure where to start. I'm here, in Texas, with the family for the holidays and I figured....I'm near a computer, might as well post some sort of an update. I mean, why not?
It's funny, I had a great list going in my head at one point of all the things I wanted to just kinda note in an entry but like all great ideas that aren't written down....I forgot. Oh well, it was meant to be forgotten I suppose....
This year has been so interesting, mostly for reasons that I'll never be able to articulate. But just so you all have a rough idea of how my life was for a while, let's do a rundown of the past year shall we? :)
October 08: Things hit the fan and I was hurt physically more than I'd been hurt since I was in middle school. I reached out (granted, I did it all in a panic so nothing really made sense to others AND I don't remember much.), but in the end was left with just myself and two or three people immediately accessible. These people became my core group and I relied on them heavily for a while. I had a dear, dear friend (sister of my heart) visit me, golfyball - it's still talked about!! In fact, I want to come and visit you sometime, though I will point out you're on a list of a few others so it's probably going to happen when I do my cross country road trip! :) SO excited about that!!!
November 08: The ex finally moves, I'm left with an apartment in shambles (I had abandoned it in October after the altercation so as to keep myself safe), I'm asked to house 2 additional fuzzy babies (one of which had a broken back - who I got to walk and run and jump again...) and my employer decided to listen to my ex instead of me and fired me. I actually was grateful to be let go - even though if you technically look at it, I quit - I was so done with drama and all that it entails.
December 08: I visit family for the first time since I became single, had a relatively good visit - and decided that when I got home I was going to completely shed my old life. Starting with the fung shuei (sp?) of the apartment.
January 09: I'm unemployed, but spending my time cleaning the apartment from top to bottom, getting rid of things from the apartment (just moving them to the garage to sort later) and making new friends.
February 09: A dearly departed from this world friend and I begin the long process of getting all 6 babies vaccinated and operated on as well as going through MY things. Not just clearing out the apartment anymore (that was January) - going through my things. I got rid of 20 bags of clothes - almost all of them black or not my style (due to the ex's preference). I find another job (not the greatest but it worked for me), however my car starts to die out on me. I begin to seriously consider putting into action the "Shedding" phase. Essentially this was a phase in which I completely started my life over - with just me and my few precious belongings. I learned so much in February that I started reading again, I'll post my book list at the end. :-)
March 09-May 09: Not too much changed other than I released myself of other's belongings, began to look for a roommate and for another place to live. In addition, I began to look for homes for my babies. I was working full-time, living between two apartments for the most part and developing my now awesome social group. I admit, I lacked in the communication with long-distance friends at this point...but all of you understand - and it's because ya'll are the most complete women I've ever known. Being "alone" (not with my girls, is what I'm getting at) was and still is hard. I didn't make friends of the right caliber, and because of that I got burned (I also helped to burn myself, but theoretically a friend is not supposed to squish you - they are supposed to touch your shoulder and help you, you know?). But no matter what happens to me, you ladies are always there for me. Thank you for that. (I actually got emotional and started to tear up, aren't you lucky!)
June 09: I start placing my babies in new homes, and begin the process of moving out. I found someone to move into the apartment (though she was not a good choice for me, she certainly gave me a much needed break), and the weather was warm enough for me to not rely on my car again. By this time I had dropped all of my stress eating weight (about 35 pounds if you'd believe it! I was wearing lots of skirts *too tight* and sweat pants but then when I started working I got to fit back into jeans and my other clothes! By June I was back to my "pretty" weight. I call it "pretty" because I can wear all of my clothes when I'm around that weight - colorful and beautiful.)
July 09: I quit my job so that I could visit a family. I ended up going to Molunkus lake for a week. After I got back I pretty much crammed all of my stuff I needed a truck for into the garage so that I would be out of the new roommate's way. By the end of the month, I'm ready for a vacation to somewhere extremely hot and to be done with my old apartment.
August 09: I visit my family in Texas and when I got back I spent the week before my birthday hauling things across town. The people in my old apartment junked most of my belongings so I really only made out with what I could box up in June/July (why didn't I just move all at once? I'll get to that...it's called NOT stressing. :-) ). My birthday wasn't spent the way I wanted it, my car hit a pot hole on our way north and not only did my rearview mirror fall off of the windsheild (which I thought was pretty funny), but it popped my tire and bent my wheel rim. So, needless to say, I did not spend my birthday at a mountain that I so wished to get to. Instead, I spent it being happy in my new home with the one baby I kept and my roommate watching movies and eating Chinese food. The beginning of the month was hard though - I had lost a dear friend. She was brutally murdered, while I was out of state. I couldn't believe that just like that (snap) she was gone. I miss her so terribly, there are days where I want to just text her - but I know that I would never get a response.
September 09: I did a lot of work for my roommate's grandfather who owns the house I'm living in. Mostly yard work, and mostly at his home (he's in his 70s and has cancer so I do all I can to help him and his wife). I also completely finished my "Shedding phase". My goal in 2008 was to shed all negativity and all that's connected to it (material and mental wise) before Halloween of this year. Success!! (Ha, and people call me unmotivated...) I donated over $900 worth of items, and helped to sort it out at the donation spot. I ended up with a sweet blanket (one of those "Mexican" blankets. Not an "Indian" blanket, though I have one of those too....) and a light heart.
October 09: I begin to learn guitar, I start teaching piano. Halloween rolls around and I had a blast. I was Janis Joplin. =) I also was one of 3 who partied hardy, woot. I'm also beginning to start up my own small business. Nothing major or really worth mentioning at this point, but October was the month marker of where things got serious. I devoted most of my time to making my environment copacetic (sp?), setting myself up for the potential business while still helping the grandfather and grandmother out.
November 09: I'm still helping with working around the house and the grandfather's house, but by this time we're at the point where we can start to redo his kitchen. This was a majorly fun experiment, not to mention extra educational. Both in the realm of housemaking but also in family. I spent Thanksgiving at my roommate's mother's house and had a blast until we had to go to sleep. (The air mattress had a hole in it so we ended up sleeping in the shape of a V for hours, then my tailbone barely rested on the floor...then just my lower back. I was SO sore and cranky the next morning! Took me a while to get outta the funk because of the dynamics of that family, but in the end it was a super holiday.)
December 09: It snows and so my jobs kinda change. I'm officially serious about selling my car, too. It's once again that time of year where I analyze where I am, and where I want to go. I come to Texas for Christmas, and here I am - updating.
OK, so that's the synopsis of this past year.
Relationship? Kinda. I don't want to actually call it anything. Not for fear of it going anywhere, but because I don't want obligations or expectations. My past relationship was NOT healthy EVER. I know people thought I was happy and healthy and that when I became single I was the exact opposite - but that was a twisted and self-serving perception. Had I picked friends more akin to what I "needed", I think things would be different. I was suppressed, which is why I was such a funky person. I would lash out in the strangest ways, totally throwing people for loops. And for that I'm sorry, though I'm not sorry for moving on and not looking back (hence my header for the journal, which by the way - Thank you kandycain for liking as well. :-) That totally made my day when I came across your message!) I had gained weight that put me closer to my heaviest I'd ever weighed, and while I don't judge myself by weight, nor do I hold others to ideal weights for their height and age (after all, I am a Kinesiologist, however I'm a practical one...) - I was not treating myself right. And now that I look back, I see why. It's because I was doing everything in my power to keep the boy I was with happy. Stupid, yes - but when you say I love you to someone and you WANT to mean it - you'll go to great lengths to at least prove to yourself that you're truly in love with that person. I wore the colors he liked (he told me my favorite dress made me look pregnant, so I put it away. It wasn't until after he was gone that I took it back out again, oh happy day!, and I have gotten nothing but compliments on it!), I didn't cook because he didn't like my cooking (I am a GREAT cook, and absolutely despise the fact that I played dumb with people in the kitchen - but that's what you do when you try to live a life that you THINK is right so as to be consistent), I shut down when it came to confrontations with "friends" and in general I managed to scramble myself up so much inside that I didn't even know who I was.
I just want to be free, be me and enjoy life. I happen to have found someone who is not only on the same page, but who has enough patience to help me sort myself out so that I can get to my goals faster. I met the person who I now live with in a weird way, but through him I have met quite possibly the most complete group of people ever. I'm so sad that my past life was so dark - but really, it made sense. I am proud to say that I am a complete woman now, and I have found a fabulous man as my counterpart. I have NEVER given anyone as much as I have given him - it's a deeper sort of connection that I have never felt before.
Since I had gone from November to February without a job, I had a lot of time on my hands. Granted, in the beginning I holed up and completely drowned my sorrows. Felt amazing to just lose touch with the world that was so dark and hurting in my eyes. I found a world that was colorful, hopeful and meaningful - very much unlike the world I had left. Felt amazing to finally realize that the people that had been in my life previously were not good for me - the New me. I realized that I was worth time, and effort. I realized that everything I had sought for in life was still worth pursueing - I just needed to set up a different plan to get there. I began a personal journey that still continues to this day and I won't end it until my time in this lifetime is up.
I will point out that I have never had nor never will have drug or alcohol problems. Yes, I can drink and yes I party hardy. However, I don't need any of it and I routinely go without any kind of "toxication" (including caffeine, pain killers like the anti-inflammatory and muscle relaxer prescribed for my broken rib and jaw) because I just don't feel like taking any in. My past life had what looked like problems, though I will also point out that most of that was spearheaded by the ex. I had my share of participation, but I certainly never instigated it. I offered to share my life with people, and now that I look back - it wasn't a cry for help, or an attempt to corrupt anyone. It was me figuring out if my life was something worth sharing. As we can all see - my life was not something that was readily accepted or even addressed constructively so it became something of a black hole. People ran from it - and I ended up abandoning it as well. Hence the new life.
I'm so happy now. I mean, my life is filled with music, heart, warmth, positivity and for once in my lifetime I feel complete. I am SO glad that I never had kids. I truly believe that absolutely NO one my age that I can put a name and a face to (including myself) is in touch with themselves enough to be able to have dependants and not lose themselves in the process of raising. Absolutely no one. I won't elaborate on it more now, partly because I'm half distracted by a football game going on downstairs and partly because if I do I'm sure someone will think I'm pointing fingers. And while I really don't give a care if anyone is offended by my words - I do not want to have any negativity harbored toward me, nor do I want to be the instigator. Therefore, I'm going to just leave it as that - my opinion.
It looks like this upcoming year (2010) will be my "financial catch up" and my get ahead in life year. I'm so excited about where I am now, I know that there are ups and downs- heck there are days where I get caught up in the past and I just want to ring necks (including my own), but I couldn't be luckier or happier. I even have a plan that is roughly 2 years long - but it's slow paced enough to where I think it's going to work!
I kept one baby - like I had mentioned, her name is Evie - and she is doing fabulously. No surgeries since early this year when I was living in the old apartment!! She's taken to jumping up on my lap, talking to everyone and even letting others hold her. I'm so impressed with her, she's been the one who has been with me throughout it all. She is absolutely, truly amazing and I am continually impressed by her and awed by her.
I mentioned I'd get to something called NOT stressing. And it's connected to why I didn't just move all at once. Well, for starters I had a lot of things that I managed to get out of the apartment, and practically NO room in the new apartment. So, I pretty much moved one or two car loads at a time, sorted through it all - placed it where I could in the apartment, then stored the rest in the garage (yep, the one that I posted a picture of in the other entry). Because going through EVERYTHING took time, and because of my working schedule, it took a while. I was busy 24 hours a day. I didn't get much sleep for a few months - and that's when I realized that I could potentially be starting a bad cycle all over again. Stress breeds negativity (and vice versa), and both of those will immediately affect absolutely ALL facets of life. The trick is to NOT stress, to smile and to truly believe that absolutely NONE of it matters, and to be happy with what you have when you have it. I can't take it with me when I die, so really - what's the point to freaking out about it now? Isn't the whole point of life to experience it, create memories and to be happy? I think so, and it's that kind of philosophy that I adopted in February when I started working. I didn't really apply it though until an "upset" in my schedule happened (a.k.a. moving). I didn't want to cram all of my things into a tiny apartment only to be overwhelmed. I didn't want to do it quickly, because sometimes people aren't on the same page as you and when pace differentiates between people - oftentimes snapping and frustration ensues. I didn't want to mess anything up with the person I was moving in with, especially considering he was so gracious as to help me. So, we'd do one or two car loads at a time, then I'd work it out. I'd go back to the old apartment, create another car load - then work it out, and so on. Working full-time, realizing that socializing is important and keeping the non-stressing philosophy basically slowed me down. I have learned to just move at a pace that isn't turtley, but isn't harelike either. Often I frustrate people, because I think about what I say before I say it, because I make sure my actions are truly mine, and because I don't like to rush - but that's OK. I took time to breathe. People would pressure me, ask me why I don't just get it all done (hey, it's what they'd do - so it must be a good method right?) - and I'd tell them, "I don't want to stress. I want to do this right, I want no regrets and besides - it's my life I'll take it at the pace I want."
To this day I don't regret getting rid of anything, or of not having things/people around. I took an objective point of view when it came to analyzing myself (and I had truly good on the inside people kind of analyze me too, which I took into serious consideration when I was given criticism) and saw that certain things happened for a reason and I can't do anything about it now. Why should I think about the past or worry about the future when all I have is right now - all the time? I learned that part of my philosophy is embodied in "The Power of Now" thinking early on in my "Shedding" phase, and it just fueled me all the more.
I suppose that this should be all for tonight, I want to go downstairs and set up cookies and say goodnight to the family before we wake up to Christmas morning! :-) Oh, before I forget:
Book List:
Tales of Beedle the Bard
The Boleyn Inheritance
The Sign of the Seahorse
The Eleventh Hour
Enigma
Illusions - The Revelations of a Reluctant Messiah
Jonathan Livingston Seagull
The Tao of Pooh
Intensity
The Other Daughter
The Celestine Prophecy
The Story of B
The Alchymest
The Magician
The Celestine Prophecy (again)
The Tenth Insight
The Search for Shambala- The Eleventh Insight (I'm currently on this one)
I plan on re-reading The Alchymest and The Magician so that I can then read The Sorceress and after that - The Necromancer. I also plan on reading more of The Boleyn Inheritance series. I'll probably read all of the Harry Potter books first though, since I never made it past the 4th book.
And with that, I bid thee adieu.