Devastated.....
Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life.
I have been battling J. for a while. I refuse to be disrespected the way I had been when he was with H. I will not allow my so-called best friend to pretend that he doesn't know who I am when he's with her. Not again. So I told him that. It was difficult finding the right words to express how I felt without making it sound like an ultimatum. We talked about it alot. I thought he understood me. Last nite, via text message J. tells me that he doesn't want to be friends anymore.It was so childish. It was so final and hurtful. Reading that I couldn't decide if I wanted to throw up or cry. He's willing to throw away 10 years of friendship.
Then a belligerent bar guest told me I looked like I should work in a go-go bar. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. She kept berating me until I had to leave the bar. That was the second time I almost lost it. Her friends apologized profusely for her words but the damage was still done.
I noticed that G. was wearing his wedding ring and asked him why. I come to find out that she was coming there with a bunch of their friends. He said that pretending was easier that fighting or dealing with questions. Third time I almost lost it. Seeing them together made this entire situation too real. It was really difficult to see him there, wearing his ring, with her when just hours before he told me he wished he could see me all the time.
Time passes and I am trying to act as normal as possible considering all the events of the nite, when I start to over hear comments and become a bit uneasy. Someone flat out says something to me about G.'s wife being there. I am so confused to how anyone could have possible known about us. We never spend time together when it's not safe. We never leave together or spend too much time alone. I only told one person, F. who I thought I could trust being as though she is in the exact same situation with T. A few times before things have been said about G. and I, always random and always without proof. F. herself called me one nite to tell me that she thought S. was spreading the word.
I took S. aside last nite and asked him if he had been saying anything. He was so upset that I could have ever thought that. He told me that he had heard things from random people and had no clue himself how they were finding out. It didn't take us long to figure out who was airing my dirty laundry. By this point, I was way past saving. I starting drinking.
I am completely devastated. I thought I could trust F. I confided in her as a friend and looked to her for advice on how to keep this quite since she herself is an expert at silent home-wrecking. She knows the havoc the could occur if the wrong person finds out. I cannot believe she could do this to me. I cannot believe I was so stupid to trust her. Maybe this is why she has barely spoken to me in weeks?
I woke up this morning crying. Tears for J. Tears for G. Tears for F. And tears for me.
:: now I understand why dawn is called mourning ::
I have been battling J. for a while. I refuse to be disrespected the way I had been when he was with H. I will not allow my so-called best friend to pretend that he doesn't know who I am when he's with her. Not again. So I told him that. It was difficult finding the right words to express how I felt without making it sound like an ultimatum. We talked about it alot. I thought he understood me. Last nite, via text message J. tells me that he doesn't want to be friends anymore.It was so childish. It was so final and hurtful. Reading that I couldn't decide if I wanted to throw up or cry. He's willing to throw away 10 years of friendship.
Then a belligerent bar guest told me I looked like I should work in a go-go bar. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. She kept berating me until I had to leave the bar. That was the second time I almost lost it. Her friends apologized profusely for her words but the damage was still done.
I noticed that G. was wearing his wedding ring and asked him why. I come to find out that she was coming there with a bunch of their friends. He said that pretending was easier that fighting or dealing with questions. Third time I almost lost it. Seeing them together made this entire situation too real. It was really difficult to see him there, wearing his ring, with her when just hours before he told me he wished he could see me all the time.
Time passes and I am trying to act as normal as possible considering all the events of the nite, when I start to over hear comments and become a bit uneasy. Someone flat out says something to me about G.'s wife being there. I am so confused to how anyone could have possible known about us. We never spend time together when it's not safe. We never leave together or spend too much time alone. I only told one person, F. who I thought I could trust being as though she is in the exact same situation with T. A few times before things have been said about G. and I, always random and always without proof. F. herself called me one nite to tell me that she thought S. was spreading the word.
I took S. aside last nite and asked him if he had been saying anything. He was so upset that I could have ever thought that. He told me that he had heard things from random people and had no clue himself how they were finding out. It didn't take us long to figure out who was airing my dirty laundry. By this point, I was way past saving. I starting drinking.
I am completely devastated. I thought I could trust F. I confided in her as a friend and looked to her for advice on how to keep this quite since she herself is an expert at silent home-wrecking. She knows the havoc the could occur if the wrong person finds out. I cannot believe she could do this to me. I cannot believe I was so stupid to trust her. Maybe this is why she has barely spoken to me in weeks?
I woke up this morning crying. Tears for J. Tears for G. Tears for F. And tears for me.
:: now I understand why dawn is called mourning ::