Dear Old Man
Welp. Back to packing.
Life has met a strange stalemate.
I had made my peace about going home. I was making plans, preparing myself, and preparing my things. I had a vision that I was walking towards.
Then, June 4th started something new. I was curious and followed a thread. The boy asked me for a couple coffees. We bumped it up to a film and a meal. We agreed after two or three weeks that we were dating - come what may on August 5th. The following week we sealed the deal with a few kisses and a hang over the next day.
And now he's tender. Now he calls, and I call him as well. When we're out, he reaches for me. When we walk he puts his arm around me. We talk about food, routines, and sometimes our thoughts about God and life. I like his mind and when his humor is tickled. He has seen me play publicly, which was a nice return for the events I've gone to for him. This weekend I spent about 22 consecutive hours with him. This afternoon I am prickled inwardly: I want more time with him.
However, I'm leaving.
I'm leaving, and my vision is disrupted. I don't want to go, yet a part of me doesn't want to stay... it's already left for America. I don't want to enter life without this guy. And yet the two of us have an incredible problem of being from different countries. We realize it would be a huge deal if one of us were to move for the other. What do we do? We don't know.
Perhaps this is nothing. Perhaps we were two souls who met and gelled very easily. Perhaps we should enjoy these last three weeks and let this all go once I'm out of the country.
But I can't help but think or do some big things in my head. He makes dinner for me in his kitchen, and as I hug the feeling of familiarity and comfort, I imagine a ring on his left hand which signifies to the world that he will never be joined to another soul. Once, I imagined myself as his semi-vegetarian girlfriend. Now I imagine myself as his American wife (or he as my British husband). I pray dearly to God that he would work out all of the big problems in our relationship (namely, geographical distance and faith). He looks at me in between kisses and draws in a breath, and I wonder if this will be the moment he tells me he loves me. He hasn't though.
I could keep going. The films, the music, the tv we watch. All the stupid little things. He makes it all so much richer. And he likes me. He likes ME. He says me I'm beautiful. He strokes my face and hair. I fit nicely under his arms when we embrace. I could keep going in detail, but I should probably curtail the details here.
I don't know what to do. So I will do something concrete, and box up my possessions to send home. I will also make plans to see my friends more. I've given up time with them to be with him. I need to try and make things go back to how they were before this all happened. Nothing is different now. The only thing that's changed is that I have a man in my life. Soon, he won't be. It will be as it was before.
Is this Alan all over again?
Life has met a strange stalemate.
I had made my peace about going home. I was making plans, preparing myself, and preparing my things. I had a vision that I was walking towards.
Then, June 4th started something new. I was curious and followed a thread. The boy asked me for a couple coffees. We bumped it up to a film and a meal. We agreed after two or three weeks that we were dating - come what may on August 5th. The following week we sealed the deal with a few kisses and a hang over the next day.
And now he's tender. Now he calls, and I call him as well. When we're out, he reaches for me. When we walk he puts his arm around me. We talk about food, routines, and sometimes our thoughts about God and life. I like his mind and when his humor is tickled. He has seen me play publicly, which was a nice return for the events I've gone to for him. This weekend I spent about 22 consecutive hours with him. This afternoon I am prickled inwardly: I want more time with him.
However, I'm leaving.
I'm leaving, and my vision is disrupted. I don't want to go, yet a part of me doesn't want to stay... it's already left for America. I don't want to enter life without this guy. And yet the two of us have an incredible problem of being from different countries. We realize it would be a huge deal if one of us were to move for the other. What do we do? We don't know.
Perhaps this is nothing. Perhaps we were two souls who met and gelled very easily. Perhaps we should enjoy these last three weeks and let this all go once I'm out of the country.
But I can't help but think or do some big things in my head. He makes dinner for me in his kitchen, and as I hug the feeling of familiarity and comfort, I imagine a ring on his left hand which signifies to the world that he will never be joined to another soul. Once, I imagined myself as his semi-vegetarian girlfriend. Now I imagine myself as his American wife (or he as my British husband). I pray dearly to God that he would work out all of the big problems in our relationship (namely, geographical distance and faith). He looks at me in between kisses and draws in a breath, and I wonder if this will be the moment he tells me he loves me. He hasn't though.
I could keep going. The films, the music, the tv we watch. All the stupid little things. He makes it all so much richer. And he likes me. He likes ME. He says me I'm beautiful. He strokes my face and hair. I fit nicely under his arms when we embrace. I could keep going in detail, but I should probably curtail the details here.
I don't know what to do. So I will do something concrete, and box up my possessions to send home. I will also make plans to see my friends more. I've given up time with them to be with him. I need to try and make things go back to how they were before this all happened. Nothing is different now. The only thing that's changed is that I have a man in my life. Soon, he won't be. It will be as it was before.
Is this Alan all over again?