changed
Talking to Beth tonite, I realized just how much I have changed just in the 3 years we've known each other. Hell, I'm a different person today than I was 8 1/2 months ago. I was so naive. I'm not saying I'm a complete adult yet, but I'm getting frighteningly close. 3 years ago I wouldn't have been able to handle getting pregnant and going through everything I've went through in the past 8 1/2 months. I'm a much stronger person than I was back then. I think it has a lot to do with my choice of friends. Not that the friends I had 3 years ago were any less spectacular than the friends I have today, but they're different. Being friends with Courtney has made me have to be the adult. She was never taught right from wrong, and to keep her from killing herself (literaly) I had to stand up to her and for her. It really opened my eyes. Max and Michael have really helped me to grow up too. Michael a bit more than Max, although I love them both, but Michael showed me that it was okay to be a party poop and to just say no to everything. I was able to sit and be sober with him without feeling like a moron or feeling that I was trying to ruin the party. Anytime I felt uncomfortable, I leaned on him. I don't think he realizes how much of a crutch he actually is for me. He's wonderful, I would be lost without him. Those two (Michael and Max) are always there when I'm lonely and need someone to hold me. They're my sanity in this crazy world. I'm so proud of Max. He's growing up too. He knows it. We talked about it the other night for about an hour and a half. I know that growing up is a part of life, but I didn't expect it to come so soon. I thought that I'd be a grown-up at 25, not at 21. It's just crazy. Last year I was out drinking and partying half the night, stumbling in (after driving home smashed) about 10 minutes before mom's alarm went off and crawling up the stairs before she heard me and realized I was drunk. My biggest worry was whether I was ever going to get Matt back, or if I had lost him forever to Caitlin. Now my biggest worry is what kind of mother I'm going to be or if I'll ruin my baby's life. How silly was I to worry about someone as stupid as Matt? The only thing I've clung to from that is Caitlin. She's wonderful and I was so lucky to meet her. Even she's grown up with me in the past year. It's crazy. I keep watching all of these people grow up and then I see the people that are the same today as they were when they first entered my life, and I think what a shame. Everyone that I've ever been friends with had great potential. Some of them just keep wasting it. It makes me sad. I'm happy that the baby has changed my life so much. I'm ready to be a mommy. It'll be a new start on the life I've already screwed up. Trust me, I've screwed up my life pretty badly. I'm babbling as usual. When I think of something more to babble on about, I'll put it here. I'm having trouble sleeping, so who knows how much more I'll find to write?
Love to everyone.
Julie
Love to everyone.
Julie