up in the air
Never have I been any more up in the air than I am right now about things. And I mean everything. It's really quite strange, and im not necessarily unhappy or depressed, I think?
Last night was nuts. M.I.A. is an awesome performer, what a high energy show. It was so nice to just dance my ass off for a night. The only bad thing was the crowd, not ALL of the crowd, I think it was just the dumb bitches we were standing by. That could also be because we were in the front row so you get the usual dumb hipster fans. ANYWAYS, during 10 Dollar she wanted to get some girls on stage to dance and I went up there! Not only was I working the stage, MIA came over and we sang to each other! ahh starstruck!
Besides that, things are just kinda going. Going and going. Maybe I will reach some sort of clarity when winter break comes, but then I have to apply to Jobs. FUUUUUCCCCK! What else? Lets see....the whole Mike thing is iffy. Not saying it's good or bad, I just thought I would hear from him by now. Then again, isn't that how it usually goes?
And as far as Seth is concerned I haven't seen him in a week. which is good. considering we got into some old and bad habits during the past few months. Not going to put any goals or restrictions on that one....
What else? Thanksgiving has come and gone and I feel fatter than ever. I know it's stupid but you know what? I have some severe body issues that i need to deal with. I know it's stupid to blame other people for this, but I KNOW im not fat, and I know that Im attractive, I just cant help but be unhappy with myself because Ive been pressured to be thin since i was in FOURTH GRADE. You can blame my mother for that one. Not until Junior year of COLLEGE did she realize just how much she was fucking with me. I mean, how easy is it for a 9 year old to be told that I need to watch what I eat...dont eat too much of this or you'll get fat and then you'll be sorry. My favorite and I think the thing that fucked me up the most was being compared to every girl around me by my mother. It really makes sense when i think about it. Perfect sense. But still doesnt change the fact that I cannot be happy with myself if i am above a certain size. Also my brother thinks everyone above a size 8 is fat. Im not joking, if you know my brother, you know this is what he truly believes. So the combination of my older brother thinking i'm fat, my mother wanting me to be a size 6, and my own fucked up mind distorting this has caused me to have serious body issues. Oh and northbrook. Good ol' northbrook. ANYWAYS, the point of all of this is, for my own sake, im going to get in the gym again and try to slim down a little. As fucked up as this all is, I AM a happier person when i am working out. I wonder why i didnt just develop an eating disorder. Maybe it's because my mother told me I should become anorexic for a while. ha.
I just have to keep reminding myself.......STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA. THINK OF THE CHILDREN.
blah. journaling.
Last night was nuts. M.I.A. is an awesome performer, what a high energy show. It was so nice to just dance my ass off for a night. The only bad thing was the crowd, not ALL of the crowd, I think it was just the dumb bitches we were standing by. That could also be because we were in the front row so you get the usual dumb hipster fans. ANYWAYS, during 10 Dollar she wanted to get some girls on stage to dance and I went up there! Not only was I working the stage, MIA came over and we sang to each other! ahh starstruck!
Besides that, things are just kinda going. Going and going. Maybe I will reach some sort of clarity when winter break comes, but then I have to apply to Jobs. FUUUUUCCCCK! What else? Lets see....the whole Mike thing is iffy. Not saying it's good or bad, I just thought I would hear from him by now. Then again, isn't that how it usually goes?
And as far as Seth is concerned I haven't seen him in a week. which is good. considering we got into some old and bad habits during the past few months. Not going to put any goals or restrictions on that one....
What else? Thanksgiving has come and gone and I feel fatter than ever. I know it's stupid but you know what? I have some severe body issues that i need to deal with. I know it's stupid to blame other people for this, but I KNOW im not fat, and I know that Im attractive, I just cant help but be unhappy with myself because Ive been pressured to be thin since i was in FOURTH GRADE. You can blame my mother for that one. Not until Junior year of COLLEGE did she realize just how much she was fucking with me. I mean, how easy is it for a 9 year old to be told that I need to watch what I eat...dont eat too much of this or you'll get fat and then you'll be sorry. My favorite and I think the thing that fucked me up the most was being compared to every girl around me by my mother. It really makes sense when i think about it. Perfect sense. But still doesnt change the fact that I cannot be happy with myself if i am above a certain size. Also my brother thinks everyone above a size 8 is fat. Im not joking, if you know my brother, you know this is what he truly believes. So the combination of my older brother thinking i'm fat, my mother wanting me to be a size 6, and my own fucked up mind distorting this has caused me to have serious body issues. Oh and northbrook. Good ol' northbrook. ANYWAYS, the point of all of this is, for my own sake, im going to get in the gym again and try to slim down a little. As fucked up as this all is, I AM a happier person when i am working out. I wonder why i didnt just develop an eating disorder. Maybe it's because my mother told me I should become anorexic for a while. ha.
I just have to keep reminding myself.......STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA. THINK OF THE CHILDREN.
blah. journaling.