while there's still something left to save [finished]

[atleasticansee]

Characters: Tara Markov (Terra), Agent Spin
Content: Tara is finally ready to fill Spin in on what happened to her.
Location: The Strand 2.0
Time of Day: After this.
Warnings: Less terrible drama than a standard Terra post.

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[atleasticansee]

From the way Spin sounded to her, Terra wasn't the only one who had no idea what to do. But she was a pretty terrible judge of things. She could have been wrong. "Hi, Spin." That was easy enough. Now just do that, but with more words per sentence, and with words that actually mean things. Yeah. She could do that. Sure. "Good to see you got here safe." She may have meant that, but that wasn't what she meant.

She noticed a pretty decent seating arrangement here. So far it hadn't been ruined by crabs, which was good. A couple comfortable-looking chairs. "Wanna do this here or go up to my room?" she asked him, though his answer wouldn't matter in a moment. She thought back to the stairs and visibly cringed. "How about we... talk here."

She wasn't going to force a smile. She guessed Spin would have been able to tell anyway. He could sight-read her like sheet music. "I'm just worried if I take any more time with this I'm going to psych myself out and not say anything." There we go. There's that honesty. Or whatever wave of emotions she was riding. She was already moving towards the chairs. No point in being a bad host on top of everything else.

[eba05]

It didn't take a listen to her buzzing tune to know how off kilter Tara was. Anyone could see it, hear it. Spin swallowed. Time to get focused; she needed an Agent's best. He'd have to do for now.

It didn't matter that she hadn't given Spin the moment to answer; he would have offered whatever she was more comfortable with, regardless. He caught the flinch, but not exactly where it was aimed. His brow furrowed, but there wasn't anything to be said. Tara had asked him here on her own, and he trusted her to say whatever she needed.

Spin have her the faintest of smiles as she gave the short explanation. It was just small enough to be real. "I gotcha. Thinking can ruin things." Did he ever know it. The Agent took his own seat, making himself comfortable before setting his gaze firm on her again. "I don't suppose you want to beat around the bush, then."

[atleasticansee]

Sit down, and then don't screw around. It's like Spin said. No beating around the bush. Tara hoped he'd forgive her for not looking directly at him. She sighed. Bent forward. Rested her arms on her legs, clasped her hands together.

"You probably know what CARP did." That was beating around the bush. That was exactly what Spin said she didn't want to do. "One of them snuck up on me. She pushed me down the stairs." She turned her head in the direction of the stairwell. "Not here. Somewhere else." Didn't matter. "Just because I was different from her." You know, the way they tended to work.

Her attention returned to a very interesting spot on the floor between her feet. "It's not the first time it's happened to me. Back home, I have... problems." Hesitation. She had to wrap this up quick. "I thought I was done with it when I came here." Hell of a surprise.

Tara finally looked up at Spin. It was his turn to say something; she sure as hell didn't trust herself to do anything more. Well, without going overboard.

[eba05]

Spin leaned on his knees as she spoke, in quiet attention as Tara told him the details. It was what he'd suspected--CARP at work, taking on a girl who already had these sorts of problems haunting her. She'd never said what it was that hurt her back home, but someone who came in that shaken up left clear indicators of where things were wrong.

When she finally raised her head, Spin gave a deep sigh. He was up. It wasn't the easy sort of thing, to know what to say, but he hadn't been expecting it to be. "You've... been through a lot."

Gosh, no, really. She had tried to avoid beating around the bush, he should return the favor. "I can't say I know what you went through back home. But I do know that when something like that follows you, habits are hard to break.

"And when you're dealing with something like that, alone..." He shook his head. "But even if it feels like you haven't escaped it, you know that's not true. Because here you're not alone anymore, remember?" He pushed up his glasses. "Cheesy as it is." That wasn't going to be enough on its own, he knew. But that didn't change the fact.

[atleasticansee]

It might have been cheesy, but it got her to smile a little. "I know I'm not alone." And she would be eternally grateful for that. Even with everything that was going wrong and how badly she'd hidden inside herself, people like Spin and Rosette were always going to be here for her. The more she said it, the more she believed it.

She wasn't going to pretend that everything was okay, but at least she managed to keep her eyes on the agent the whole time. "Thank you, Spin." For still being here. For not treating her like the world did. For being a real friend to her.

"If I didn't have you guys here, I... don't know what I would have done." This wasn't something that just went away on its own. Obviously. "I wish I could let you know what happened back home, but..." She paused only for a moment before deciding she had to tell the truth. No matter what. "To be honest, I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready to talk about that." If Spin were really curious, he could just get her angry and defensive and it would doubtlessly come out in the ensuing outbursts. Control issues were a hell of a thing.

[eba05]

"That's fine," Spin assured her, smiling. "When you're good and ready. Whenever that is. If ever that is." He could have gotten something out of her, sure. But the thing about being a secret agent was that you understood pretty well the notion of keeping the past in the past.

"But you have to remember, then," he added on, "that since you're not alone, it means you can't go acting like it any more." A glance up the stairs, to wherever her room was. "Can't lock yourself up there, as though no one will worry, or will want to help. Because they do. We do.

"You don't have to tell anyone what happened if you're not ready. But that doesn't mean you get to lock yourself away. Makes things harder on everyone, you know?"

[atleasticansee]

Tara was glad to be able to smile; equally glad that Spin could understand what was going through her head. All the unspoken reasons. "You never know what could happen around here," she told him; with how much she'd given him already, it might only have been a matter of time.

But her smile dimmed a little, then disappeared completely as he finished. He had a point. She couldn't hide away; didn't have to, or at least that's what he was saying, and he sounded confident enough for her to believe it. But that didn't change everything. It barely changed anything.

"Old habits die hard, Spin." Matter of fact, that. She'd been doing it for so long that she didn't know any other way to handle things. It was self-destructive and unhelpful, but it was her.

[eba05]

Spin sighed. "I know they do. And I can't expect you to change at the drop of the hat. Like I said, I don't know what you've been through, and I'm sure they're good reasons." He gave her a smile. A real one. It wasn't like he was trying to scold or pressure her. "But you said yourself--you left it behind when you got here. Some bad parts may still be around, but it's not the same.

"And all things considered, you're already getting there, aren't you? Finally getting around to talking to me." He gave a small shrug. "Just gotta hone in on it. Bit by bit."

[atleasticansee]

That was the thing about Spin. Nothing he told her ever came off as anything but helpful. Any pressure in his words, she was adding herself. Anything detrimental was just mental. Spin was doing his damnedest to help her, and the least Tara could do was recognize that. From there, it wouldn't take much to actually listen and work with him.

"If this happened a few months ago," which it had, but it wasn't here and didn't matter, "I think I would have just started running and never looked back." No thinking about it; that would have been exactly her reaction. "You're... you and Rosette, both of you, and everyone here, you're all helping me." More than they knew? No. They must have known what they were doing for her. "Sometimes I think it's more than I deserve," she muttered, again trying to stay true, even if she were a little ashamed to admit it.

"What's the line? 'Nothing's gonna change my world'?" She glanced up for confirmation, then let out a small, but real, laugh. "No offense to the Beatles or anything, but you don't get across the universe without changing a little. And maybe a little is all I need right now."

[eba05]

Spin chuckled. "You can find endless wisdom in that Fab Four, but that doesn't make their word the last one. Everyone's got something to hide, me and my monkey included. However long you carry that weight, know that I'll offer my pillow. The very last thing you've got to do is hide your love away." The theme that he had picked on a whim on their first real meeting had come back again. Hey, something about Tara just called out to the lyric's relevance. Or perhaps John was just that good at covering the important topics.

"Not everyone gets it right all the time, see? Not even the most famous people, the ones that some would call perfect. But the same way, even if a person feels like they've been a nowhere man, you could find nine-oh-nine things they've done right."

He gave a sage nod, or as sage as a music nerd could get when he was born decades after the songs he quoted were written. "You take that with you on the long and winding road, it may make all the difference in finding your place. That is," he added, "if you haven't already. You know we're all putting in our all to do that. Because you do deserve it." The last bit was emphasized.

[atleasticansee]

It was a little strange, really. Tara was the one who had brought the Beatles up in the first place, so she should have known what to expect. But that didn't make the speed and number and sheer appropriateness of all the references any less dumbfounding. "You're... really good at that," she managed to say, with a significant amount of surprise. And something else. Not quite awe-filled reverence, but something just as good: Respect.

"You're really good at everything you do," she added after giving herself a moment to process things. For now, she believed him. For now, he was right. The only thing left to do was make sure that now lasted for a very long time. "I guess I really do get by with a little help from my friends." She smiled at him -- something genuine and real, and the kind she very rarely seemed to let out anymore. It was only the right thing to do for someone who, she was getting to realize, was one of the best friends she had here.

[eba05]

Spin's grin got a bit faint as she spoke. Him, really good at... well. He wasn't actually about to say no to that, not after all the encouragement he was giving. But the last few weeks made it feel like an undeserved bit of praise, after all the worrying, wondering, but nothing of real value happening to assure him, he'd been starting to wonder if he was any good at anything.

Well. Maybe he should take some of his own advice, then. Being honest, letting things off his chest. Spin leaned forward, expression returned to one of caution as he rubbed at his neck. "Let me tell you something," he started. "The whole quoting thing, the rhyming, it comes natural. Don't even need to think about it. But I didn't start with it. When it first started happening, I thought I was a real weirdo. Random freak talent, right?

"Did a lot of things like that when I was a kid. Ignoring all the things I was good at. Thinking something was wrong. Getting me to be myself wasn't something that came natural. Still sometimes have my doubts. But I roll with it as best I can. Not always perfect. Rarely, it sometimes feels like." He gave an awkward laugh. "Just like I was sayin' with the Beatles, I guess."

He smiled at her again, shaky but true. He wasn't sure about sharing this with someone outside the Agency, even inside, but it just felt like something he needed to say. "I wasn't myself for a long time, and it was scary when I tried for it, but I had people to see me through. A little help from your friends is all anyone needs."

[atleasticansee]

If Tara had known what the last few weeks had been like for Spin, she would have tried encouraging him sooner. She would have come out of her shell for his benefit. Because he needed the pick-me-up more than she needed to wallow in her own emotions. And that's how these things worked, right? Everyone else was more important?

Whatever. What mattered was this moment, right here and right now. And in this moment, Spin was pouring his heart out and she was over here wondering who she should be paying more attention to. The answer was obviously Spin. Her brain caught up with him somewhere around how he didn't start with being able to rhyme effortlessly.

She would've been pretty stupid not to notice what he was saying. What he wasn't directly saying. It explained a lot, but it still wasn't the same thing. But even then, she wasn't going to judge him, even though she sincerely wanted to -- when had rhyming ever gotten someone killed, and there was the thought she was trying to avoid, best to get off that with a song about how many ways her life has changed -- and like she was saying, she wasn't going to judge him. They'd both had enough of that, hadn't they.

There wasn't really anything else she could think to say that wouldn't just be re-hashing the same thing over and over again. So enough about her. "Talking goes two ways, Spin," she started, trying to play it off as a joke, but what she said next was anything but. "How are you holding up? What's it been like in Spin's world lately?" It was that bit about his own insecurities that had finally gotten her to ask.

[eba05]

Spin had no idea that his attempt at drawing a parallel between their feelings of insecurity ran a little deeper than he expected, nor did he realize how trivial his little rhyming shame was in comparison. Honestly if he'd had any idea how stupid it sounded alongside her issues, he'd've kept that bit to himself. But hey, he didn't, so he hadn't.

When she turned the tables back to him, he gave her a wry smile. "Well, you know. Fine enough." He grinned weakly at his knees, thinking about all the agonizing he'd done over the last few weeks, the beating himself up and worrying, fearing, doubting. "...Physically."

Suddenly, Spin laughed far too brightly for the situation. "You know, it's been pretty awful, actually." He rubbed his forehead. "I've been having a pretty Sinatraforsaken awful time."

[atleasticansee]

Don't worry about it, man. It didn't matter what the parallels were so much as that they existed. And nobody was judging anyone anyway. In fact, Tara had already let it drop in her head.

At his laugh, she sat up a bit straighter while simultaneously moving back in her chair. That was totally the wrong emotion for what he was saying, but... you know, she could understand that, too. If you can't find a reason to laugh, even if it's in the midst of the biggest crap tornado of your life, why even bother? Even if it's laughing at your own misery.

"Join the club," she muttered, and louder, "Why? What's been going on? If I can ask." Never any pressure. She would extend to him the same courtesy he had to her. If he didn't want to answer, she wouldn't make him.

[eba05]

Oh good, he would have been worried about that if he'd known.

A big part of him told him to stop there, back it off. He'd already talked through it with a lot of people, with no result. Spin didn't like to give people reason to worry about him, when the problem was no one but his own... yet obviously he couldn't stop at there. Not after he'd just told Tara to share. He felt like an idiot, but the show must go on...

Spin gave another faint laugh. "Probably the part where there's a club to join," he admitted. "I'm never much better off than the city is, and well... you've seen how it's been."

He looked off in some nonspecific direction. "I just... I know that there's nothing I can do about all the people in the city not getting along. But I just..." There was a pause as the Agent rubbed at his temple. "I just can't shake the stupid notion that I should be able to do more."