discovering mysteries not revealed in many ages [finished]

[squishyarms]

Characters: Riza Wildman, Raiel
Content: Raiel just broke up with Hamel and it was all Riza's fault. He'll probably have some words for her.
Location: Raiel's room, BPH
Time of Day: A few hours after this log.
Warnings: Swearing at the very least. We're playing it by ear.

Comments

[pianistofraieln]

After watching Hamel leave, he'd just stood there for what felt like years, staring at the empty space where once he'd had a friend. Staring until he couldn't see anymore, until the entire world had dissolved into blurry shapes and abstract colours through his tears. Then he'd finally turned away and slowly retreated up the stairs back to his room.

He couldn't lock himself in; that second realization that his lock had been broken (and that it was probably Hamel who'd done it, too), sparked a brief flash of anger wherein he dragged his piano over to bar the door. But that brief flash was about as much energy as he had right then, and he just fell back against the wall, sliding to the floor, curling up. Blocked out the world. Cried until he couldn't cry any more, but still couldn't bring himself to move.

Not until he heard the knock. But all he did was glance sideways at the door, and the piano in front of it, and decided that there was nobody in this world he could possibly feel like speaking to right now, unless it was Hamel coming back to say he hadn't meant any of it.

And, optimist that he was, even Raiel knew that was impossible.

[squishyarms]

She knew how people could get sometimes. How they hid themselves away when the going got too tough to handle. How they didn't want to talk to anybody and just prayed the world would shut up and go away. She'd coached more than a few cubs out of that mindset. But something like this would be tough.

"Raiel," she said through the door and knocked again. After a cautious pause, she added, "It's me." Like he wouldn't know. Understandably, she didn't sound happy. There wasn't reason to be happy about a lot of things going on between these two. If Hamel could be as vicious as Raiel implied, then... well, Riza could form a good idea. And whatever had happened was all her fault, let's not forget.

Forcing the door open would get her nowhere. From the dull thump, it sounded like she knew from trying. All she had left was hoping she could get his attention. Somehow. "I want to talk." She didn't want to. She had to.

[pianistofraieln]

Riza.

Fuck.

He let out a ragged sigh, pressing his hands over his eyes for a moment before letting his head slide between them, burying his fingers in his hair. He didn't want to talk to anybody. Why was Riza even here?

He shouldn't ignore her, though. She was involved in this too, wasn't she?

So he pulled himself to his feet and pushed the piano aside, so it was leaning against the wall instead of the door. It took him longer than it should have; he felt like he was moving in slow-motion ever since--...

He pulled the door open. He wasn't looking at her. His eyes, red from crying, were downcast, unfocused on some point between them.

[squishyarms]

She was more involved in this than she wanted to be. But this was how she made her bed; she swore to God she'd lie in it.

That Raiel opened the door at all was enough of a response for her. It meant that he wanted to talk. Or yell. Or break down. On whatever level, he wasn't done with her. For better or for worse. And that was good. It was better than silence.

Riza hadn't been crying. She was never one to do that. But she felt like shit all the same. If Raiel looked for it, he might have seen that the skin on her knuckles was torn, or that her hair was a bit more unkempt. If any of that even mattered to him. It probably didn't.

"I'm sorry."

Was that ever going to be the right thing to say?

[pianistofraieln]

I'm sorry.

Hm.

His eyes moved up, falling on her face now. He didn't notice any of the signs of the toll the situation had taken on her; he didn't care to, he wasn't in a state of mind that allowed him to care to.

He'd thought he was done, that he'd just gone numb by now, but the minute he opened his mouth he was on the verge of tears again. "What did you say to him?" He barely managed it. He wasn't crying again yet, but he was painfully, obviously close.

[squishyarms]

It was strange, thinking back to that moment. Knowing now the consequences of what she had said. It wouldn't be the first time tonight, and she was sure it wouldn't be the last. The scene played out in her head again.

You gave me the choice of do a lap dance for you or the city gets fucking wasted!

"I said I knew that he could destroy the city."

...Who told you?

"I said you told me about it."

Keep your body. I don't need your pity.

"That's when he left."

It was far from her proudest moment. But she had managed to look up from the ground and directly at Raiel by the time she finished.

She deserved anything he could throw at her.

[pianistofraieln]

He'd thought he was too drained for anything anymore. He'd thought that no matter what she said, he just didn't have the energy to react.

He was wrong.

Trust, betrayal, telling, not telling, why was this a theme? When had this become his life? Why was everything a goddamn trust issue?

In a flash, he had Riza cornered. Grabbed her by the collar and pinned her against the wall beside his door. "What the fuck made you think that was a good idea?" he shouted, all that grief suddenly turned to pure rage. "I told you not to treat him any differently! I told you not to tell him you knew! You promised me, Riza!"

[squishyarms]

She'd actually been expecting this. She would have been more confused if he hadn't lashed out. If he hadn't tried something like this. And even though her heart immediately started beating faster, she didn't fight back.

"I wasn't thinking, Raiel!" she yelled back at him, inches away from his face. "I know what you told me! I know I promised!" Louder didn't mean angrier. Everything she was shouting was as a matter of fact. Her eyes weren't mad. There was no growl, no tensing, no baring of fangs. She wasn't transforming; wasn't even struggling.

"I fucked up," she finally said in a lower voice. "I know I did. Do whatever you want." The sooner he got his anger out, the sooner she could figure out what to do to make this up to her friend.

[pianistofraieln]

But he didn't do anything. He couldn't take it out on her. She already knew she'd fucked up; there was no need to beat the point into her. It wouldn't make Hamel come back and it wouldn't even make Raiel feel any better.

He stepped back, letting go of her shirt. A sniffle; he rubbed the back of his hand over his nose. All he could do was stare at her, it seemed. He didn't know what to say.

She wasn't forgiven. But he didn't want her to leave. She was here, she was part of this, and most of all, she was his friend.

And when those seemed to be in increasingly short supply, he needed all he could get.

"He left." Wasn't sure if he meant to say it or not, but there it was.

[squishyarms]

Forgiveness never came easy. Betrayal, no matter to what degree, was never something anyone took lightly. And this entire situation may as well have been a circle of exactly that.

She slumped against the wall when he let go. This wasn't anything to take casually or in stride, but formality, even in the smallest of ways, was never her strong suit. Anything that made it familiar helped her to cope.

"I'm not surprised." Not much surprised her. Maybe it was the wrong thing to say. But the way Raiel said it made it more than obvious that Hamel hadn't just left to clear his head. No. She didn't even need that to know. The things he'd told her up in his room, few though they were, let her know everything.

He was gone.

And what he hadn't taken out on Riza, he'd done to Raiel.

The leader of the pack, the one person devoted to keeping everyone together, was singlehandedly responsible for tearing it apart.

"What can I do?"

[pianistofraieln]

"Nothing. He's gone, he left. It's over." The tears had started again. He tried to wipe them away but they wouldn't stop.

"We've known each other since we were three! We went through so much together, and then--and then he just--" He choked back a sob, arm settling over his eyes so he could just cry into his sleeve.

"It's my fault." I never should have trusted you.

[squishyarms]

She reached out for his arm and tried to pull it away from his eyes. Even if he wouldn't let her, her words came out all the same. "It's not over." She wasn't going to let it end like this. Looking directly at him, she repeated, "It's not over. And it's not your fault."

It's my fault. I made him tell me.

Hamel hadn't believed her. If he had, it didn't help. "I made you tell me. I promised to keep it secret. I fucked up." Yeah, because she didn't feel horrible enough as is. Keep repeating all the mistakes. That would make them go away.

"This is my fault. And if there's anything I can do to change it, tell me, damn it." It wasn't a request. It was a plea. This had to be undone. This was wrong, and it was all because of her.

[pianistofraieln]

He did let her pull his arm away, but being able to see his eyes might have been worse. There was just so much despair in his face.

And then the only thing he said was, "No. I still never should have told you. I should have known better."

[squishyarms]

Damn it. Being able to see what she'd actually done to him wasn't making things any easier.

"Yeah, maybe you should have." She paused, but decided not to go down that road. "And maybe I should have kept my fucking mouth shut. But if we spend our time focusing on what we should have done, we're not going to get anywhere." Even if her words sounded determined, all she was really doing was trying to convince him. The more she tried, the less it worked. Slowly, but surely, it was wearing her down.

[pianistofraieln]

"He said--" Choked up, had to take a second to regain his voice. He wasn't looking at her anymore; couldn't really see her anyway even if he had been. "'You're dead to me.'"

That was about as final as it got. Friendship = over, that right there.

Moreso than that, the important part of what he'd said was the fact that he had no hope for this situation to ever make a recovery. It wasn't in his words, but it was in how he said them and how he stood. It had been final for him, as well as for Hamel.

[squishyarms]

Riza stood in silence for a moment. Pushed herself off the wall and actually stood.

What Hamel had said was serious. The way he said it, too. Even if she hadn't been there for that, she knew what it was like. The control he had was scarily impressive.

Maybe she could channel some of that into her own words.

She reached out and grabbed his arm again, holding on even tighter this time. "Look at me." One pull and she was close enough for him to have to try to avoid it. "Look at me, Raiel."

I don't need your pity.

"Do you think for a second that this isn't killing me?" Look at what you've done. "I look at you, and I see what I did." Keep control, even when it seems impossible. "I threw away two of the only people I have left in this fucking city." Control, damn it. Don't show what this is doing. Tell him, but never show him. It's easy to control words.

"I don't care if you or him never trust me again." Her eyes shut tight for a moment; she glanced to the side. "I don't expect you to." Back to Raiel. Everything this was doing to her was nothing compared to him. "You're only dead to someone if you lie down and take it. And I swear to God." She swallowed; it felt like a bullet from a firing squad. "I swear to God that I'm not going to stop until I find him and make things right again."

Barely was the last syllable out that she let go of his arm, shoving it away like she wanted nothing to do with it. The sideways glance from earlier turned into a full-on head turn as she slumped herself back against the wall. Now it was her turn to hide her eyes.