(no subject)
I am trying very hard. I have had a shitty time of the last year and a half, and having escaped the seventh circle of hell, I am trying very very hard to make my life better. I have been having regularly scheduled meals, I have been socializing with anyone who will stand to be around me [which is essentially my dad, and my mom when we watch Game of Thrones together]. I have been getting out into the sun, and going for walks, working out and doing Yoga regularly and trying my hardest to keep busy. But it all feels fake. I feel like I am trying to trick myself into believing things are getting better, when they're getting worse. I'm just getting better at putting on a good face. That's all it feels like I am doing. Getting better with masks. I'm so crushingly, despairingly lonely.
And I know this, I know I am not getting better, because the one thing I can't fix is my sleep. I stay up until 6 am every night alone in my bed for hours, just thinking about everything and anything, and crying, and trying to convince myself I'm better off. If I happen to sleep, the problems just invade my dreams; they take my fears and they run with them, and it leaves me waking up in shakes and sweats. I don't miss the sex. I don't miss the talks or playing videogames or going out together. I miss walking into a room and seeing someone, just one person in my entire life, light up at seeing me. I am lusted after, but I am not wanted. Boys will take me on dates and show me the time of my life, but at the end of the night, they want the body, not the personality. And I thought that was okay; at least I was desired. But it's not. It's not okay, I'm not that kind of person. I'm so lonely. And I don't even miss him. I don't. He is not what I miss, because he became a boy who didn't care anymore. But I miss that smile, that special smile reserved only for you. The one you get when you walk into a room and he sees you and you know his world just brightened a little.
And I know this, I know I am not getting better, because the one thing I can't fix is my sleep. I stay up until 6 am every night alone in my bed for hours, just thinking about everything and anything, and crying, and trying to convince myself I'm better off. If I happen to sleep, the problems just invade my dreams; they take my fears and they run with them, and it leaves me waking up in shakes and sweats. I don't miss the sex. I don't miss the talks or playing videogames or going out together. I miss walking into a room and seeing someone, just one person in my entire life, light up at seeing me. I am lusted after, but I am not wanted. Boys will take me on dates and show me the time of my life, but at the end of the night, they want the body, not the personality. And I thought that was okay; at least I was desired. But it's not. It's not okay, I'm not that kind of person. I'm so lonely. And I don't even miss him. I don't. He is not what I miss, because he became a boy who didn't care anymore. But I miss that smile, that special smile reserved only for you. The one you get when you walk into a room and he sees you and you know his world just brightened a little.