(no subject)
If you’re easily offended, already having a rough day, hate when people whine about their life and air their dirty laundry, or genuinely hate me and only keep me around to creep- I’d recommend to stop reading right now.
These past two weeks have been anything but fun, truthfully. I’ve been trying to get all my thoughts together and know where I stand before writing this, but I can’t hold it in anymore or I might drive myself to insanity. I’m angry, disappointed, scared, and a little bit of just fecking over it.
My sister, future BIL, mom, and I drove down to Austin for a few days to work on wedding junk for them. We end up getting in an argument, because that’s what sisters do when they’re stressed and together for too long. Really, that’s what happens when I end up driving my car four hours to a city I pretty much despise to begin with, end up paying for some of the gas as well, am expected to drive around this city with little-to-no help with directions, and have to listen to someone bitch about being sick for days when they refuse to do anything about it. So that’s fine, I drink a Diet Coke in the morning and smoke an entire pack of cigarettes for the first time since I quit and hope we can get through the next couple of days. Good news: my sister found her dress. Bad news: she got pissed, threw a tantrum, and locked me in my own car for an hour in 95 degree heat in god knows what part of Austin. Apparently, it took “talking Evan into” walking my keys to me from the hotel. What’d he do when we got there? Said absolutely nothing. Handed me my keys then walked away. I asked if he was coming with me so he didn’t have to drive, and he kept walking. If I wasn’t already pissed, I was livid by now. My problems with my sister are my problems with my sister are my problems with my sister are my problems with my sister. OUR issues. She joined a sorority, and has a billion and one “sisters” or however that shit works, she’s been in relationships, and Evan is about to become my brother-in-law.. but our relationship, friendship, is strictly between the two of us. So when I’m being punished for something I don’t see or agree with in the first place, and then add on the fact that as soon as my sister is upset Evan is immediately pissed at me too.. it makes me feel like I’m in high school again. I refuse to share my relationship I have with my sister with someone else, and if it comes down to it, I’ll just back the hell away.
Maybe it’s the simple fact that I’ve honestly never had a decent, healthy relationship. My mom and dad didn’t have one. My grandparents didn’t have one.. I guess either “set” or them? I didn’t know my dad’s side that well. Many of the people in my life who are married and/or dating someone spend the majority of their time bitching about them or cheating. So it’s different and weird and I’m a little pissed when whatever problems I’m having and talk to my sister about- Evan automatically knows as well. I thought the whole “taking sides” thing kind of faded after graduating high school, and people fought their own battles. I’m also not okay with threats of being kicked out of the wedding. It sounds harsh, I know it does, but I find marriage somewhat silly. The only thing binding you to that person is one extra step, one piece of paper, and this idea that you will honestly last until you die. Some people do- they get lucky and meet someone who they can put up with and vice versa- but I’m only excited about this because my sister wants it. She wants it, I’ll do it for her. I’ll lose 400 pounds, put on some damn heels, take it easy on the drinking, try not to embarrass her, and keep an optimistic outlook on all of it. But for the love of bobsacks, do not threaten to kick me out of something I will never 100% agree or want to do in the first place.
I’ve had fights with her like this before. But it’s been a week since I’ve spoken to her, and I’m just starting to feel a little sad. She drives me insane, she is downright mean sometimes and honestly cannot see it, but she’s my sister. And it scares me that I feel like family bonds are not invincible. Family can leave us- people do it everyday. And I know that if I got to that point where I couldn’t handle it anymore, if one of my family members was just too damn toxic for myself, I would walk away and find it very difficult to ever look back.
And let me just say something about Austin: you are not better than the people who visit your city, just because you eat more organic food and find it “gross” to sell drinks people will actually pay for in your restaurant. It’s not cute when 3/4 of the population wears neon sunglasses and men’s jeans are tighter and smaller than Barbie clothes. It’s not attractive to not take a shower for four days, smell like absolute shit, and sit out on the street corner like a bum when, in fact, your mom and dad probably bought you those $80 ripped jeans and $100 shoes you scuffed up. I can appreciate the history (though truthfully, I’m so turned off by everything I could care less at this point), the landscape that is littered with homeless people, and a lot of the architecture. It’s interesting, to say the least. I don’t mean to offend anyone who does live there and love it, I’m just extremely over it. There’s this attitude and arrogance about everyone I’ve met there, and it’s annoying as feck.
So I get back, have a few days to get ready for summer school, and then head to Midland. Why? I can’t say. Because I want to see friends again, because my mom’s house is more comfortable to me than my apartment, because I like the five hour drive alone to blare music and sing my heart out, because the smell of the water there reminds me of my childhood and I like being able to remember little things like that. Every time I go back, I’m reminded why I moved away in the first place. I crave visiting there so badly sometimes, and I actually start hanging out and going out, and I know immediately this isn’t the place it used to be for me anymore. I haven’t had that sense of “home” in two years.. sometimes I get a little scared that it’ll never come back. It’s not as simple as saying home is where you make it- I dunno what will “make it”. I know that I miss the convenience and comfort of Midland. Everything is tiny, you don’t have to fight for parking, people go out to bars in jeans and flip flops, it literally takes 15 minutes max to get across town, I know people, and it’s easy to get a job there. It’s easy to have a baby, find a man, and get married (yes, in that order).. half of my graduating class has done it. In Dallas, crazy girls get all dressed up to go to a bar, you fight for parking even going to freakin’ Target, it takes me 15 minutes to go two miles, and I’m essentially alone here.
I go back and forth with it all, because I don’t know what would make me happy at this point. I don’t think it’s Midland or Dallas. I could stick this out, graduate, and find a place that I would honestly be happy living in.. and I think that’s what I’m gonna end up doing. It’s not the alone time that bothers me, it’s the fact that I used to be a social person who enjoyed the company of others and now I find myself backing away from everyone. I like going out in Midland because I can get wasty face and what’s the worst that could happen? I don’t feel like I’m above the law there, I just know that things are a lot more laid back and it’s kind of nice to release my tension through alcohol. I like that Rosa’s is five minutes away, I like that I could finally buy a bicycle and go riding on actual sidewalks and straight and flat roads, and I like that at least half of my family is there, and yeah- the cheap ass drinks and trashy bars are sort of awesome, too. We’ll see. Knowing what I knew about my Granddaddy, wanting to make my mom and sister proud, and the fact that I refuse to be that person working at a sandwich shop or local 7-11 the rest of my life makes me wanna keep going. But most days I cannot stop doubting and regretting where I am right now.
My girlfriend says Midland boys are a special breed. I didn’t always fully agree with this, but after this last trip back I’ve gotta say she might be on to something. I’m not trying to say it’s just Midland, because lets be honest- men everywhere are sort of assholes at one point or another- but there is a pretty thick concentration of them in and around that city. I’m not that jaded betch who likes to pre-judge every male who I come into contact with (alright, I’m trying very hard not to be), but I cannot tell you how many times over the last month my guy friends or men I came into contact with found it necessary to make an ass of themselves. I guess they’re used to getting away with it, used to not being called out on and told to sit the f-bomb down and handle their shet, used to .. I don’t know. I cannot understand it. I can’t even begin to.
I don’t like that there are ignorant people who actually still use the words ‘f*ggot’ and the n-word. It’s not okay, and I don’t know any other place (alright, other than like Arkansas haha) where it’s acceptable to do so. It’s not okay to make plans with someone and then break them repeatedly. It’s also not okay to call me a “miserable f-ing cunt who needs to get in a car accident or kill myself” thinking that’s a mature response to “You screwed up and I’d like an apology.” If you have a friendship with me, I demand the respect I think I deserve. I don’t know why that’s difficult for the people of my hometown, specifically the boys. I don’t like that a 23 year-old man has a two year old daughter, has been married, and still doesn’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”.. doesn’t know what I mean when I say my field is Geology.. and thinks threatening a girl who lives five hours away is necessary. It’s not just him, though, and that’s why I’m so damn horrified at the whole situation. Living in an apartment that’s trashed with fast food bags and drugs, living on a mattress on the floor, and being almost 30 years old without any dreams or motivation to be a productive member of society.. I don’t have sympathy, I won’t in 30 years when you’re still with mom and dad, and that’s.. not okay. I’ve ignored the red flags and doubts that kept creeping in, and I dislike myself very much so for doing that. Hell no. I’m not looking down on anyone, and I am trying very hard not to come off as a snob, but don’t you want more for yourself? Your family?
People keep telling me I have social anxiety, and that all I need to do is get on medication. I’m not against it, I just keep thinking I can help myself naturally before resorting to spending the money and time giving into pills. But it’s not getting better.. I’m running out of ways to try and make it better. I’m nervous about going out in the crowds, nervous about going to school, I feel like I’m in the spotlight all the time, and being a nervous pooper is literally one of the most annoying things ever. I don’t answer my phone sometimes because seeing it ring literally gives me butterflies. I don’t feel like it’s getting better; I feel like I’m sliding downhill and the only thing that really makes me happy is boxed wine, painting, photography, the occasional Shoshua visit, National Geographic magazines, and sleep. Where are friends, school, a relationship, a CAREER.. in that equation? I can’t make myself do things I don’t wanna do anymore, and that’s scary too. Haven’t felt like myself in a long time, and I dunno how to get that back.
These past two weeks have been anything but fun, truthfully. I’ve been trying to get all my thoughts together and know where I stand before writing this, but I can’t hold it in anymore or I might drive myself to insanity. I’m angry, disappointed, scared, and a little bit of just fecking over it.
My sister, future BIL, mom, and I drove down to Austin for a few days to work on wedding junk for them. We end up getting in an argument, because that’s what sisters do when they’re stressed and together for too long. Really, that’s what happens when I end up driving my car four hours to a city I pretty much despise to begin with, end up paying for some of the gas as well, am expected to drive around this city with little-to-no help with directions, and have to listen to someone bitch about being sick for days when they refuse to do anything about it. So that’s fine, I drink a Diet Coke in the morning and smoke an entire pack of cigarettes for the first time since I quit and hope we can get through the next couple of days. Good news: my sister found her dress. Bad news: she got pissed, threw a tantrum, and locked me in my own car for an hour in 95 degree heat in god knows what part of Austin. Apparently, it took “talking Evan into” walking my keys to me from the hotel. What’d he do when we got there? Said absolutely nothing. Handed me my keys then walked away. I asked if he was coming with me so he didn’t have to drive, and he kept walking. If I wasn’t already pissed, I was livid by now. My problems with my sister are my problems with my sister are my problems with my sister are my problems with my sister. OUR issues. She joined a sorority, and has a billion and one “sisters” or however that shit works, she’s been in relationships, and Evan is about to become my brother-in-law.. but our relationship, friendship, is strictly between the two of us. So when I’m being punished for something I don’t see or agree with in the first place, and then add on the fact that as soon as my sister is upset Evan is immediately pissed at me too.. it makes me feel like I’m in high school again. I refuse to share my relationship I have with my sister with someone else, and if it comes down to it, I’ll just back the hell away.
Maybe it’s the simple fact that I’ve honestly never had a decent, healthy relationship. My mom and dad didn’t have one. My grandparents didn’t have one.. I guess either “set” or them? I didn’t know my dad’s side that well. Many of the people in my life who are married and/or dating someone spend the majority of their time bitching about them or cheating. So it’s different and weird and I’m a little pissed when whatever problems I’m having and talk to my sister about- Evan automatically knows as well. I thought the whole “taking sides” thing kind of faded after graduating high school, and people fought their own battles. I’m also not okay with threats of being kicked out of the wedding. It sounds harsh, I know it does, but I find marriage somewhat silly. The only thing binding you to that person is one extra step, one piece of paper, and this idea that you will honestly last until you die. Some people do- they get lucky and meet someone who they can put up with and vice versa- but I’m only excited about this because my sister wants it. She wants it, I’ll do it for her. I’ll lose 400 pounds, put on some damn heels, take it easy on the drinking, try not to embarrass her, and keep an optimistic outlook on all of it. But for the love of bobsacks, do not threaten to kick me out of something I will never 100% agree or want to do in the first place.
I’ve had fights with her like this before. But it’s been a week since I’ve spoken to her, and I’m just starting to feel a little sad. She drives me insane, she is downright mean sometimes and honestly cannot see it, but she’s my sister. And it scares me that I feel like family bonds are not invincible. Family can leave us- people do it everyday. And I know that if I got to that point where I couldn’t handle it anymore, if one of my family members was just too damn toxic for myself, I would walk away and find it very difficult to ever look back.
And let me just say something about Austin: you are not better than the people who visit your city, just because you eat more organic food and find it “gross” to sell drinks people will actually pay for in your restaurant. It’s not cute when 3/4 of the population wears neon sunglasses and men’s jeans are tighter and smaller than Barbie clothes. It’s not attractive to not take a shower for four days, smell like absolute shit, and sit out on the street corner like a bum when, in fact, your mom and dad probably bought you those $80 ripped jeans and $100 shoes you scuffed up. I can appreciate the history (though truthfully, I’m so turned off by everything I could care less at this point), the landscape that is littered with homeless people, and a lot of the architecture. It’s interesting, to say the least. I don’t mean to offend anyone who does live there and love it, I’m just extremely over it. There’s this attitude and arrogance about everyone I’ve met there, and it’s annoying as feck.
So I get back, have a few days to get ready for summer school, and then head to Midland. Why? I can’t say. Because I want to see friends again, because my mom’s house is more comfortable to me than my apartment, because I like the five hour drive alone to blare music and sing my heart out, because the smell of the water there reminds me of my childhood and I like being able to remember little things like that. Every time I go back, I’m reminded why I moved away in the first place. I crave visiting there so badly sometimes, and I actually start hanging out and going out, and I know immediately this isn’t the place it used to be for me anymore. I haven’t had that sense of “home” in two years.. sometimes I get a little scared that it’ll never come back. It’s not as simple as saying home is where you make it- I dunno what will “make it”. I know that I miss the convenience and comfort of Midland. Everything is tiny, you don’t have to fight for parking, people go out to bars in jeans and flip flops, it literally takes 15 minutes max to get across town, I know people, and it’s easy to get a job there. It’s easy to have a baby, find a man, and get married (yes, in that order).. half of my graduating class has done it. In Dallas, crazy girls get all dressed up to go to a bar, you fight for parking even going to freakin’ Target, it takes me 15 minutes to go two miles, and I’m essentially alone here.
I go back and forth with it all, because I don’t know what would make me happy at this point. I don’t think it’s Midland or Dallas. I could stick this out, graduate, and find a place that I would honestly be happy living in.. and I think that’s what I’m gonna end up doing. It’s not the alone time that bothers me, it’s the fact that I used to be a social person who enjoyed the company of others and now I find myself backing away from everyone. I like going out in Midland because I can get wasty face and what’s the worst that could happen? I don’t feel like I’m above the law there, I just know that things are a lot more laid back and it’s kind of nice to release my tension through alcohol. I like that Rosa’s is five minutes away, I like that I could finally buy a bicycle and go riding on actual sidewalks and straight and flat roads, and I like that at least half of my family is there, and yeah- the cheap ass drinks and trashy bars are sort of awesome, too. We’ll see. Knowing what I knew about my Granddaddy, wanting to make my mom and sister proud, and the fact that I refuse to be that person working at a sandwich shop or local 7-11 the rest of my life makes me wanna keep going. But most days I cannot stop doubting and regretting where I am right now.
My girlfriend says Midland boys are a special breed. I didn’t always fully agree with this, but after this last trip back I’ve gotta say she might be on to something. I’m not trying to say it’s just Midland, because lets be honest- men everywhere are sort of assholes at one point or another- but there is a pretty thick concentration of them in and around that city. I’m not that jaded betch who likes to pre-judge every male who I come into contact with (alright, I’m trying very hard not to be), but I cannot tell you how many times over the last month my guy friends or men I came into contact with found it necessary to make an ass of themselves. I guess they’re used to getting away with it, used to not being called out on and told to sit the f-bomb down and handle their shet, used to .. I don’t know. I cannot understand it. I can’t even begin to.
I don’t like that there are ignorant people who actually still use the words ‘f*ggot’ and the n-word. It’s not okay, and I don’t know any other place (alright, other than like Arkansas haha) where it’s acceptable to do so. It’s not okay to make plans with someone and then break them repeatedly. It’s also not okay to call me a “miserable f-ing cunt who needs to get in a car accident or kill myself” thinking that’s a mature response to “You screwed up and I’d like an apology.” If you have a friendship with me, I demand the respect I think I deserve. I don’t know why that’s difficult for the people of my hometown, specifically the boys. I don’t like that a 23 year-old man has a two year old daughter, has been married, and still doesn’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”.. doesn’t know what I mean when I say my field is Geology.. and thinks threatening a girl who lives five hours away is necessary. It’s not just him, though, and that’s why I’m so damn horrified at the whole situation. Living in an apartment that’s trashed with fast food bags and drugs, living on a mattress on the floor, and being almost 30 years old without any dreams or motivation to be a productive member of society.. I don’t have sympathy, I won’t in 30 years when you’re still with mom and dad, and that’s.. not okay. I’ve ignored the red flags and doubts that kept creeping in, and I dislike myself very much so for doing that. Hell no. I’m not looking down on anyone, and I am trying very hard not to come off as a snob, but don’t you want more for yourself? Your family?
People keep telling me I have social anxiety, and that all I need to do is get on medication. I’m not against it, I just keep thinking I can help myself naturally before resorting to spending the money and time giving into pills. But it’s not getting better.. I’m running out of ways to try and make it better. I’m nervous about going out in the crowds, nervous about going to school, I feel like I’m in the spotlight all the time, and being a nervous pooper is literally one of the most annoying things ever. I don’t answer my phone sometimes because seeing it ring literally gives me butterflies. I don’t feel like it’s getting better; I feel like I’m sliding downhill and the only thing that really makes me happy is boxed wine, painting, photography, the occasional Shoshua visit, National Geographic magazines, and sleep. Where are friends, school, a relationship, a CAREER.. in that equation? I can’t make myself do things I don’t wanna do anymore, and that’s scary too. Haven’t felt like myself in a long time, and I dunno how to get that back.