(no subject)
Good evening everyone. I am making a great effort to do regular posts, but that proves to be more difficult than previously thought. So I am going to make this one a pretty good size, because I have a lot to tell. Oh, and I'm saving the worst news for last.
Haven't been sleeping well. Big shock there, right? For some reason, I just can't sleep well at all. It isn't because I stay on the phone, or the internet, all night long. Mostly it's because...I just can't sleep. So my mom tells me it's the caffeine..but I've ALWAYS had caffeine, since I was a baby, and it hasn't affected me like now. But that is a problem for another day. However, it has gotten so bad that I am completely...disoriented. I keep having to remind myself what day it is, and I don't mean the date, and then a few hours later I say something like "Hey, I need to know -such and such- by thursday" then I hear "Uh...today is thursday..." And some other stuff like that.
On the bright side, Aimee and I have (not literally) kissed and made up. I'm glad. I missed not having her as a friend (and it was only for a few days, what does that tell ya?)
I got my feelings hurt last night/this morning. But I'll get over it suppose. I just don't like being lied to...yeah...anyway.
Now, the worst news I have...About three months ago my grandmother had a mammogram. It came up clean (no that isn't the bad news. Shut up and let me finish). A few weeks ago she had another one, and they found a mass. They took it out and it was cancer. She has to have a Mastectomy on the 16th. If you pray, please pray for her. God has given up on listening and waiting for me, just I have given up on listening and waiting for him. And if I get one comment that preaches...I'm going to mutilate whoever did it. If you are more of the positive energy sending type of person, please send as much of your kind thoughts and energy her way. She's heavily religious, so I'll just tell her it's prayer....
I was on my way to work when my mother called me and told me it was in fact cancer. Not a good thing to go to work to. I started crying in the truck, but I haven't let anyone see, or hear, me cry. I won't do it. I will be strong for everyone. But..I'm kind of worried about a few things.
When my best friend died I didn't cry at her funeral. I had to be strong for her daughter and her grandbaby. That tore me apart. I don't know if I can do it again. But that sounds a bit selfish...
The other thing I am worried about is my grandmother and I didn't have a good relationship, really. She favored my cousins over me, we fought a lot, she fought with my father in front of me a lot. I'm worried that she is going to think she's dying, and try to rekindle a relationship between all she has wronged...but it would be in vain. I don't know if she is going to die, and to be honest that thought scares me....not knowing...I don't know if I can take that the only reason she is truly showing her love to me now is because she thinks she is dying. I don't want her to die. But at the same time I can't be very positive. Cancer is a big problem in my family.
My mother informed me of some great news though. "Since both of your grandmothers had breast cancer, you know what that means, right?" I looked at her and told her I didn't. "That means that your chances just went up." Yippee...So...I'm going to die of cancer as well. It's pretty much predestined. Yip...ee....yeah....-sigh- I want to just crawl into a little bawl and sleep...when I sleep I don't dream much...anymore at least...so I can just pretend the thoughts aren't real, and escape them if only for a few hours....just lock myself in my room and cry...but I can't...Have to be strong for her...
I love my grandmother...thanksgiving and christmas at her house is the only real connection I have to the rest of my family...that's the only time we get together...if she dies...the rest of us will just drop out of communication...I don't particularly like my family much, but I do love them...
-sigh- I'm making my thoughts worse and I have this ever growing lump in the back of my throat screaming at me to let it all out. But I can't. I don't want to cry...not yet..not now...
I suppose I should let you all go now. I'm sure you have more important things to do than to listen to my rambling. Take care all...Fare thee well...
Haven't been sleeping well. Big shock there, right? For some reason, I just can't sleep well at all. It isn't because I stay on the phone, or the internet, all night long. Mostly it's because...I just can't sleep. So my mom tells me it's the caffeine..but I've ALWAYS had caffeine, since I was a baby, and it hasn't affected me like now. But that is a problem for another day. However, it has gotten so bad that I am completely...disoriented. I keep having to remind myself what day it is, and I don't mean the date, and then a few hours later I say something like "Hey, I need to know -such and such- by thursday" then I hear "Uh...today is thursday..." And some other stuff like that.
On the bright side, Aimee and I have (not literally) kissed and made up. I'm glad. I missed not having her as a friend (and it was only for a few days, what does that tell ya?)
I got my feelings hurt last night/this morning. But I'll get over it suppose. I just don't like being lied to...yeah...anyway.
Now, the worst news I have...About three months ago my grandmother had a mammogram. It came up clean (no that isn't the bad news. Shut up and let me finish). A few weeks ago she had another one, and they found a mass. They took it out and it was cancer. She has to have a Mastectomy on the 16th. If you pray, please pray for her. God has given up on listening and waiting for me, just I have given up on listening and waiting for him. And if I get one comment that preaches...I'm going to mutilate whoever did it. If you are more of the positive energy sending type of person, please send as much of your kind thoughts and energy her way. She's heavily religious, so I'll just tell her it's prayer....
I was on my way to work when my mother called me and told me it was in fact cancer. Not a good thing to go to work to. I started crying in the truck, but I haven't let anyone see, or hear, me cry. I won't do it. I will be strong for everyone. But..I'm kind of worried about a few things.
When my best friend died I didn't cry at her funeral. I had to be strong for her daughter and her grandbaby. That tore me apart. I don't know if I can do it again. But that sounds a bit selfish...
The other thing I am worried about is my grandmother and I didn't have a good relationship, really. She favored my cousins over me, we fought a lot, she fought with my father in front of me a lot. I'm worried that she is going to think she's dying, and try to rekindle a relationship between all she has wronged...but it would be in vain. I don't know if she is going to die, and to be honest that thought scares me....not knowing...I don't know if I can take that the only reason she is truly showing her love to me now is because she thinks she is dying. I don't want her to die. But at the same time I can't be very positive. Cancer is a big problem in my family.
My mother informed me of some great news though. "Since both of your grandmothers had breast cancer, you know what that means, right?" I looked at her and told her I didn't. "That means that your chances just went up." Yippee...So...I'm going to die of cancer as well. It's pretty much predestined. Yip...ee....yeah....-sigh- I want to just crawl into a little bawl and sleep...when I sleep I don't dream much...anymore at least...so I can just pretend the thoughts aren't real, and escape them if only for a few hours....just lock myself in my room and cry...but I can't...Have to be strong for her...
I love my grandmother...thanksgiving and christmas at her house is the only real connection I have to the rest of my family...that's the only time we get together...if she dies...the rest of us will just drop out of communication...I don't particularly like my family much, but I do love them...
-sigh- I'm making my thoughts worse and I have this ever growing lump in the back of my throat screaming at me to let it all out. But I can't. I don't want to cry...not yet..not now...
I suppose I should let you all go now. I'm sure you have more important things to do than to listen to my rambling. Take care all...Fare thee well...