Laying it all on the line
I have a question for all of you.
All of us have lost someone special...is there a certain song that, when heard, makes you think of them? Why? Leave a comment on my journal. This isn't a forward, this is simply curiosity.
Many have heard me talk of my friend Ms. Louise Tawwatters. She was a wonderful person. She died of cancer in 2001...September 12. As if it wasn't hard enough watching people dying on the television, I had to come home from school to the news that my best friend in the entire world...was gone.
My dad and I had a lot of bad times when I was growing up. I felt alone..she was the one I ran too. Something in me is telling me to pay this respect to her. I think she still lingers here...and it hurts...she doesn't let me feel her every time, because she knows it will hurt too badly. When she does let me feel her, it is the best feeling in the world, even though I shed my tears for her again. When you lose your one and only friend in the world, it hurts like a million daggers through your heart and soul.
And yet, as I type now, I feel her....sitting close to me...watching me..I think about her a lot. I think about all the good times we had...she's in a better place now, and I know that. But as I type this, I come to a deep realization. I have grown as a person. I have gone from being a sad little girl, to having some of the greatest friends in the world. I think she helped lead them to me, because she knew I couldn't make it on my own. I don't have to worry about how I'm going to deal with this situation on my own, and I don't sit and think about how I should end my life anymore. But...I know I wouldn't have felt this way if she hadn't died. I wouldn't have grown at all and would have stayed sheltered.
I shed tears each time I visit her grave site. My tears have permanently stained the ground there. And yet, I keep going back, hoping to feel her one more time, or to hear her voice once more as she tells me to pull up a blanket and lay on the couch. I remember once when I was little, she was babysitting me, and we went out to her parents house. I saw a picture of her with brown hair, and said "Hey look! Your hair hasn't always been gray!" and she proceeded to tickle me silly. She had a fantastic sense of humor. When she lost her hair, she began to become very self conscious. It started to grow back, but it spiked up a bit. She joked about dying it purple and becoming a punk rocker. It was funny...I remember when they told her their was nothing they could do, and they knew she was going to die....I went next door, and her daughter comes in there and says "You better come back here..she needs you..." I walked back to her room to find her crying and she grabs me and hugs me...she cries on my shoulder and tells me she's dying...I didn't let myself cry...I had to be strong...and that's where I learned to hide my pain so well. From her...She cried...and then...we had some laughs. After that I started buying her things. Balloons, stuffed animals, cute things to make her smile...She got put back in the hospital...then September 11th rolled around. I was in school, and that's when we were told that America was under attack. Great news to hear. I go to my mom's business after school and watch the news all day. I couldn't go to the hospital...I wasn't allowed...in fact..no one even knew where she was except her family. The next day...I was in school. No one called me to tell me she had died. Around 10:30, I started feeling sad. Come to found out, she had passed away.
Treasure the time you have with your family, friends, and people...you don't know when it will be gone...
All of us have lost someone special...is there a certain song that, when heard, makes you think of them? Why? Leave a comment on my journal. This isn't a forward, this is simply curiosity.
Many have heard me talk of my friend Ms. Louise Tawwatters. She was a wonderful person. She died of cancer in 2001...September 12. As if it wasn't hard enough watching people dying on the television, I had to come home from school to the news that my best friend in the entire world...was gone.
My dad and I had a lot of bad times when I was growing up. I felt alone..she was the one I ran too. Something in me is telling me to pay this respect to her. I think she still lingers here...and it hurts...she doesn't let me feel her every time, because she knows it will hurt too badly. When she does let me feel her, it is the best feeling in the world, even though I shed my tears for her again. When you lose your one and only friend in the world, it hurts like a million daggers through your heart and soul.
And yet, as I type now, I feel her....sitting close to me...watching me..I think about her a lot. I think about all the good times we had...she's in a better place now, and I know that. But as I type this, I come to a deep realization. I have grown as a person. I have gone from being a sad little girl, to having some of the greatest friends in the world. I think she helped lead them to me, because she knew I couldn't make it on my own. I don't have to worry about how I'm going to deal with this situation on my own, and I don't sit and think about how I should end my life anymore. But...I know I wouldn't have felt this way if she hadn't died. I wouldn't have grown at all and would have stayed sheltered.
I shed tears each time I visit her grave site. My tears have permanently stained the ground there. And yet, I keep going back, hoping to feel her one more time, or to hear her voice once more as she tells me to pull up a blanket and lay on the couch. I remember once when I was little, she was babysitting me, and we went out to her parents house. I saw a picture of her with brown hair, and said "Hey look! Your hair hasn't always been gray!" and she proceeded to tickle me silly. She had a fantastic sense of humor. When she lost her hair, she began to become very self conscious. It started to grow back, but it spiked up a bit. She joked about dying it purple and becoming a punk rocker. It was funny...I remember when they told her their was nothing they could do, and they knew she was going to die....I went next door, and her daughter comes in there and says "You better come back here..she needs you..." I walked back to her room to find her crying and she grabs me and hugs me...she cries on my shoulder and tells me she's dying...I didn't let myself cry...I had to be strong...and that's where I learned to hide my pain so well. From her...She cried...and then...we had some laughs. After that I started buying her things. Balloons, stuffed animals, cute things to make her smile...She got put back in the hospital...then September 11th rolled around. I was in school, and that's when we were told that America was under attack. Great news to hear. I go to my mom's business after school and watch the news all day. I couldn't go to the hospital...I wasn't allowed...in fact..no one even knew where she was except her family. The next day...I was in school. No one called me to tell me she had died. Around 10:30, I started feeling sad. Come to found out, she had passed away.
Treasure the time you have with your family, friends, and people...you don't know when it will be gone...